My husband and I have a 6 month old baby girl together, which could be adding to this issue. We’ve generally had a loving relationship but lately I’m really struggling with how we handle conflict and I’m starting to feel stuck and confused.
For context, I work only 2 nights a week for about 5 hours each shift. My husband works a high level job that is very demanding and he pays all of our bills so I can stay home with our daughter. I appreciate that a lot and don’t take it for granted. On the nights I work he stays home with our daughter, but he often complains that she’s “a lot to handle” and that it’s hard for him to manage her while also keeping up with his work responsibilities. Some days he will work 12 hours (mix of at home and in office), but he doesn’t work when he’s with our daughter which he’s said he’s okay with even though it’s a bit stressful for him. He does do a lot of helpful things for me, he cooks most days, helps clean, and is generally supportive in day to day life. He just isn’t very hands on with our daughter and does not take much initiative to be around her. This is part of why I feel confused, because it’s not like he’s a bad partner overall.
The main issue though is our communication during disagreements. When things are good he is very loving and supportive. But when we argue or I bring up something that is bothering me it escalates very quickly. He can get very angry and has said hurtful things in the moment including name calling in the past and dismissive comments like telling me to “get affection elsewhere” when I expressed needing more affection yesterday. He also tends to say things like maybe we should take a break or that I should find someone else even though I don’t want that, and I’m always trying to fix things during disagreements. Tonight I wanted to go out for an hour to Topgolf with a friend (my best friend 23F of 13 years) in the evening after our daughter was asleep (around 9pm). My husband was already about to go to sleep, as he has a work meeting in the morning. This led to an argument where said he doesn’t think it’s normal for a married woman to go out at night and he was worried about my safety and said he has a hard time sleeping when I’m not home. I explained to him that I would be safe, not drinking, he has my location, etc. I even asked him what i should wear, and he said i could “go naked for all he cares”. I also asked him to elaborate as to why he was uncomfortable as he never worries during the day and he wouldn’t give me an answer. I have been stuck in the house for weeks when he is at work lately as my car was just totaled and we are in the process of getting a new one, so I jumped at the opportunity to hang out with my friend without a baby around.
My concern is that I feel like I can’t bring up issues without it turning into him getting upset or defensive. This has been a pattern on multiple occasions. He gets very heated and will often call me names if i say something he disagrees with, and overall just gets frustrated very easily even with our daughter who is so little (he hasn’t done anything physical and never would). He always apologizes after but it has started to mean nothing to me because it’s always the same pattern. I want us to be able to communicate normally and talk things through even when we disagree. Instead I feel like my feelings become the problem or that I’m doing something wrong by bringing things up. There’s a pattern of hot and cold behavior where he can be extremely loving one moment and then very harsh during conflict, which is really emotionally draining for me. I’ve suggested couples counseling because I really want this to improve and I want us to learn how to communicate better, especially now that we have a baby and I want a stable home environment for her.
What can we do to improve our relationship? How can I make him see what is going on isn’t normal, and is very harmful to me? I grew up in a similar household with parents who were very explosive and it scares me. I just want a loving home.
TLDR:
My husband (25M) and I (24F) have a 6-month-old baby. He’s loving most of the time, but when we argue he escalates quickly, sometimes says hurtful things, and later apologizes. We recently argued because I wanted to go out briefly with a friend and he said it’s not “normal” for a married woman to go out at night. I feel like I can’t bring up issues without conflict turning harsh, and I’m feeling stuck and emotionally drained