First I know this is a whole ramble as well so I do apologize, but I’m kinda just spewing it all out for context too.
I (F24) and my fiance (M25) have been together for almost 3 years. Our relationship was always pretty good I’d say, he definitely had alot of growing up todo but we were always pretty communicative. Eventually I move in with him so I move about 3 hours away from all my friends and family. I start a new job, career and honestly just completely start over. Well he ends up coming home with a puppy as a surprise (I’m in the middle of finals week, I’m also allergic to dogs) and I’m expected to take care of the puppy and what not. (This is important for later)
Fast forward about a year and we move again, we’re both working, and stressed asf. Well I end up having a miscarriage, when I called and told him it was a, “okay well thanks for telling me but I gotta get back to work” and that was that, he also had to leave a few days later to go to his military training for 2 weeks. We are texting, I’m handling things on my own and getting support from my friends, we are even sexting! WELL he comes back home and for whatever reason I go through his phone, and there’s a number blocked and I read all their messages. He’s been texting a girl for idk how long but also while he was gone for 2 weeks, she was sending pics and all that. But him and the girl both said they didn’t send anything. Well he ends up having to leave again, for another military thing and he’s gone for a month. He comes back and I just get the inkling to dig further, I go through everything. His phone, computer and laptop. And I find so much stuff, I mean he asked a girl for nudes the day he brought home the dog as a surprise, he went on a whole date with a girl, a few months after we started dating, and after I surprised him with trip he’s been wanting to go on, he had multiple porn site accounts, videos or girls and videos of them, stuff on discord, and honestly probably more stuff but I just cannot remember.
I confront his ass, and basically blow up on him so much so I end up in the mental hospital for a few days.
Now here’s where I know everyone (including me) is like “If you don’t leave this man, girl I swear” after I got out the mental hospital, it was a 180. So fast it was a little scary. He got his shit together, helped around a lot more, provided a lot more, I secretly still go through all his accounts and there hasn’t been nothing, started posting me, everything has been so much better.
Fast forward almost a year now, for the most part we are good. He’s still providing and doing a lot, we are actually pretty good. I still wear my engagement ring but we are not getting married anytime soon (he leaves for deployment in December/January) but I go back and forth, sometimes I want a future and the other time, I cannot stand for him to be around me and I just can’t let it go. I basically despise our dog just because she reminds me of the stuff I seen. And I go back and forth a lot. He’s a great guy but I’m preparing myself for him to cheat on me on deployment, and I just lay awake sometimes pondering everything. I just don’t know what todo. I do not want to be that girl who feels like she has to go through her partners phone, have anxiety when his phone vibrates and all that.
Last night, I went through his phone (I know. I know) well there wasn’t anything recent. There was a message from his friend saying he needs a prenup, and my fiancé agreed. (Which whatever, I’m the bread winner) but then in his notes there was a whole ass lefter dated a month or so after we became official (I assume he typed it in his notes app, and then sent it to her) but on the note it went into detail about how he thought she was so beautiful and amazing, went into depth about what he liked about her and described how beautiful she was. And how he didn’t want to lose her and he was scared and blah blah blah. Not really my business I guess. But I read it and truthfully after everything I was kinda just unbothered, kinda like a nail in the coffin. We are literally in the process of moving back to my hometown, so I’m like whatever I don’t really care. But I do? But nothing hasn’t happened recently and it’s all just old shit because I’m so nosy. But I don’t care/I do care. He would be a great dad, and despite all of that bullshit he’s damn near my best friend. We always have a great time together and sometimes I wish we could be just friends. Idk what todo. I could go into more details and stuff but I feel like I’ve rambled a lot.
I know I’m the stereotypical dumb girl, who complains but doesn’t leave. But I’m genuinely just stuck right now and I’m trying to get myself financially stable as well. I just idk. I battle with myself because he has had a whole 180, and ever since everything happened almost a year ago, I truly don’t think nothing has happened. But I just struggle sometimes and my mind takes me back to everything. The letter thing did hurt a lot tbh, I mean considering he didn’t call me beautiful until I mentioned it bothered me but he’s over here being Romeo to someone. But he has maybe twice wrote me something kinda like that. Bro :/
Also should I even bring the letter I found up, considering it happened almost 3 years ago?
TLDR: I’ve caught my fiance doing sketchy stuff, but for over a year later he hasn’t done anything wrong but I just still have a ¿resentment? towards him, I guess. I need advice because I’m tired of hearing the, “I mean no one is perfect so just choose the best options” because wtf.