I’ve been dating a guy for couple months now. For context, I am a massive dog lover, so this isn't an issue of me hating animals. But I’m really struggling with a situation that happened recently, and I need some outside perspective on whether I’m completely in the wrong here.
On our very first date, it was just the two of us and we had an amazing time. However, on our second date the following weekend, we stayed over at a hotel. When we got to the room, his dog, Rollo, was there. Since that second date, my boyfriend has brought Rollo with him every single time we spend time together. This includes days out, five separate trips away for a night, and anytime he comes to visit me.
Although he has never once asked if I was comfortable with him bringing his dog everywhere or if it was okay with me, as he seemed to just automatically assume this, that wasn't the problem at all. I genuinely enjoy the company of dogs and didn't have a problem with Rollo being around in general, so I didn't say anything.
The issue is much deeper than that, and the core problem is that Rollo is an absolute nightmare when humans are eating. He barks, yelps, squeals, and constantly jumps up at you the entire time food is present. It’s stressful enough that it even visibly frustrates the guy!
For me, it triggers a much deeper issue: I am fully recovered from anorexia (I spent time in an inpatient clinic five years ago), but mealtimes can still be a major mental struggle. When a dog is barking and crying in my face while I'm trying to eat, my anxiety spikes, I feel overwhelming guilt like I should be giving all my food to the dog, and it completely puts me off my appetite.
The breaking point happened a few days ago. I had been working away and hadn't seen him in a while. We planned a nice night at the same hotel where we had our first date. I was really looking forward to getting takeout and watching a movie while we ate—watching a movie is one of my main coping strategies because it distracts me from the anxiety and lets me just enjoy my food.
As soon as we sat down to eat, Rollo immediately started barking, crying, and lunging for the food. Watching the movie became impossible. Between the sensory overload, my own internal anxiety, and being heavily on my period, I became completely overwhelmed.
I didn't snap at the dog of course, but I did get upset and spoke up to my him. I told him I was really struggling and a bit pissed off, and said, "It would be so nice if just one time we could be alone. I am really struggling to eat with the dog around, it completely overwhelms me. It makes me sad that you’ve never noticed how stressed I get, and that you've never once asked if it was okay to bring him." (The man has kids and options for pet care, but chooses not to use them).
When I said this, he offered to go stand outside the hotel room in the corridor with Rollo and I could eat quickly. Truth be told, because I was already so mentally overwhelmed, I was a bit pissed off by this suggestion.
I told him that the whole point of a date was for us to eat together and watch a movie, and that it was weird for one of us to have to stand out in the hallway while the other ate. I declined his offer and said, "Well, it's basically ruined now, isn't it?"
Looking back, I completely acknowledge that this specific response from me was quite childish and harsh, and it came from a place of frustration.
After that, he snapped back very harshly. He told me, "How the hell am I supposed to read your mind? You need to grow up. This is silly behavior, and if you don't want the dog around when you eat, you need to say that."
He insists that it is completely normal to bring your dog everywhere you go, including every single date with a new partner. I disagree.
I know I am at fault for not opening my mouth and speaking up sooner, and I know my reaction in the moment wasn't perfect and became childish when I was angry. I should have communicated my boundaries weeks ago instead of letting it build up.
But I feel like his reaction was incredibly cold and defensive, and he refused to take any responsibility for the fact that he never once checked in with me.
Am I going crazy here? Is it normal to bring a dog on literally every single date, and was his reaction as cold as it felt to me?
**TL;DR:** guy I’m dating brings his dog on every single date without asking. I don't mind the dog's company normally, but he is highly disruptive during meals, which triggers my anxiety around food recovery. When I finally broke down and told him how overwhelmed I was, he offered to stand in the hotel corridor with the dog.
In my frustration, I acted a bit childishly and told him the night was ruined. He then blew up at me, told me to "grow up," and claims bringing a dog on every date is completely normal.