me (38/M) my friend (38/M) who callously ghosted me as a child. Wants to reconnect after seeing me 25 years later.

30 comments

1. Even with his current messages it doesn’t really seem like he’s itching to invite a hangout. Sounds like he just feels guilty and won’t even say it properly.

   I dunno man, I’ve had a couple friendships that went this way too and I don’t know what I’d say if they suddenly showed up in my life again like this. But you’ve already made up your mind that you do not want to reintroduce the friendship. I’d let the conversation peter out and leave it be.

2. What I see is both of you downplaying how what happened effected you then and now. I would literally just put all your cards on the table because at the end of the day, you don’t really know this person and worst case scenario you go back to two people that happen to exist in the world. You don’t really have anything to lose by saying “hey, actually I was really hurt when you stopped talking to me back then. When we stopped being friends I felt like xyz.” And while it’s perfectly valid to not forgive him if he does apologize, I think putting yourself in his shoes might give you a different perspective. He was also a child trying to figure out life. Who knows what all he was going through during that time and how his transition to a new school went. And even if you do forgive him, you don’t have to be friends with him. I had a person that hurt me in highschool apologize to me years later, and while it really did mean a lot, I have no interest in staying in contact with them.

3. To be completely frank with you, ‘begrudging’ is not a good trait nor is it one you should ever lean into. That is not a good thing at all.

   In my view, you have two options here:

   1. Leave this where it lies and move on. Don’t push the conversation, don’t point fingers, and don’t make a point to try and force him to validate how you feel. ; OR

   2. Continue this conversation earnestly from the perspective that the past happened but it is in the past and now is an opportunity to begin anew.

   ‐————-

   I want to clarify a few things from an outside perspective for you.

   1. Its okay to feel how you are feeling. There is very clearly a lot of harbored resentment. What’s not okay is be petty about it decades after the fact when your friend made a point to recognize the situation to you.

   2. Understand that your friend also had things going on that you are not aware of. This isnt a defense of your friends childhood behavior but you need to recognize the possibility that while the ramifications affected you directly it may have actually had absolutely nothing to do with you.

   3. People dont casually bring up the past because its a ‘footnote’. People forget footnotes or flat out dont think they are worth bringing up. Your friend, according to your recap, admitted the difficulty and offered to give you closure. Your resentment doesnt allow you to see how big of a deal that actually is. Think about the times you’ve ever told someone that- you probably thought about it a lot and it ate at you.

   In any case, I hope you find peace with this one way or another. Life is too short to spend so much time on resentment or revenge.

4. If you don’t actually want to be friends with this person there’s no reason you need to dig up the history or keep in contact. It’s fine to just move along without continuing the conversation 

   If it would benefit your life to have more friends, you can meet new people and start with a fresh slate instead of trying to revive something from decades ago with someone you still have negative feelings about. 

5. the fact you are still hanging on to this 25 years later means you would probably benefit from some therapy.

   He was a literal kid, you both were, but you seem to be judging him like an adult at the time.

   Take the olive branch and if it is still bothering you this much 25 years later talk to someone about it.

6. Uh, why did other people stop talking to you, just because this douchebag moved schools and ghosted you?

7. Maybe it’s just me but I think it’s strange to even bring it up in conversation. I’ve bumped into people I haven’t seen in like 15 years since school and we were friends for years, and in similar fashion we just stopped talking. Life happens, shit happens and people just move on but no one really brought up the whys or the explanations. At the age of 13, people do some really stupid things too so even at that age I think most things can be forgiven and forgotten.

   But even then what happened 25 years ago, I think resurfacing what happened then is just awkward due to the time. Times change and you won’t really get the same friendship as you did then. Of course you’re entirely within your right to not want to be friends for whatever reason but I think this is an all round strange situation.

8. I switched schools a number of times, and only some of the friends (not many) did we keep up with each other.

   It’s pretty immature, or not well-adjusted, to call this “ghosting.” Ghosting is a term primarily used between romantic partners.

   Men need to be able to interact and talk on a chill level. His message seemed pretty chill. If you act like a girl who got broken up with on prom night, most guys are not gonna want to hang.

9. “I am a very begrudging person.”

   Holding a grudge is definitely not good for your health. However I feel you are somewhat aware of this and are trying to change considering you are in therapy. My suggestion, you can forgive him and let go of the grudge and still not remain friends. If you don’t want to do something, don’t force yourself. Friendships shouldn’t be forced.

10. People change …. people do studpid things when they are young… I would keep the door open with this old friend… you do not need to be close friends again, but take it as part of your healing journey, or as a game and see where it will take you … it’s very easy to cut connections, but it takes so much courage to open the door.

11. I feel like there is a lot of missing info here. How did this one friend stopping talking to you completely change your life? Why did a lot of people stop talking to you?

    Did something happen? Did you change your behavior suddenly and this was a response? Were they always assholes? Were you an asshole? Did you just lose touch with people, or did they suddenly ostracize you? Why?

    Not saying you have to answer, but hard to get a read on the situation or give advice with the info provided.

    You are certainly not obligated to continue the conversation with him, but FWIW, it does sound like an olive branch, so if you wanted to test it out, you could. Also, as others have said, holding onto a grudge is not a trait you want to nurture, even if you choose not to reestablish a relationship.

    Good luck.

12. How did you feel when you were friends ?
    Was he a good person to be around ? Fun? Did you have the same hobbies?

    I’m asking because he tried. It wasn’t perfect but had effort. You can always say I’m going to think about it. Sometimes is good to have company and have fun without being too serious.

    Your feelings are valid.

13. I like how you start by trying to keep it cool, saying your memory of the time/event was “fuzzy” – but then immediately contradict that by getting super detailed with scooters and blue CDs. lol.

    Let it go – talk to him or don’t.

14. It’s weird that you’re still so bothered by this. You don’t have to reconcile with this guy, but the fact that you struggle with making and keeping friends is the concerning thing.

15. I remember doing something like that to two different friends when I was young, one in maybe third grade and one in middle school. Didn’t affect me much at the time but I’ve looked for them on social media since then to apologize. It was done to me in high school by my best friend, and she was really my only friend since we came from a small school to a larger one and there were few of us, and I’ve never been good at having a whole lot of friends at once. She wanted to do the drinking and be popular thing and I was kind of boring and unwilling to try anything (which I don’t regret), but she never told me, she just stopped talking to me on the first day of school and it broke my heart. If she wanted to meet up and offer an apology today, I would do it. I don’t think we would be friends, but it would be nice to meet up for a meal. I do think in a way your old friend apologized, and maybe that is a good thing, can be a closure in some way. I hope it all works out for you.

16. Based on his messages it sounds like someone close to him has passed away and it has made him look back on his life and there are some things he seems to regret – not staying friends with you and/or how he treated you being one.

    The fact that he is still thinking about you and reaching out to you 25 years later means that at least at one point you were very important to him. Otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered reaching out.

    Is it going to hurt to meet him for a few beers or something? If you still don’t want to stay in contact after that then that’s understandable, but why not just a few drinks with the guy and see what he has to say?

17. Enough time has passed that it is very likely this is a different person you are meeting. Most of us grow and change in the 25 years between childhood and adulthood. That means this is someone you can get to know again for the first time. It is in the sweet spot of knowing enough of each other’s early history for there to be instant commonalities and having over two decades of distance to effectively start over as adults.

    I think you would do well to listen to your therapist. As someone who used to hold grudges, it is worth learning to let go. I used to think that meant letting hurtful people hurt me again or ignoring my gut. It does not. It means assessing this situation, seeing that there was no overtly malicious intent and the choices are very reasonably credited to developing brains. The message sounds positive, introspective, and seeking connection. Do you trust your gut to tell you if something is off? Like, if it turned out they needed a kidney, you would probably be able to sort out that this person is only reaching out to get something vs genuinely wanting to reconnect with an old friend?

18. He didn’t ghost you. He was a 13 year old who switched schools and hung out with other people. It happens.

    You didn’t have a fight. He didn’t bully you or anything. You just went different ways. The fact that he still remembers it 25 years later makes it sound like something he regrets.

    I think your therapist is right. You need to move forward in your life and I think reconnecting with him could help. You don’t have to force anything if it doesn’t fit, but holding this grudge doesn’t seem healthy.

19. I don’t know man. Being 13 and swapping schools feels like enough to just end up not talking unless you lived close together. Even then holding onto it as a memory into your late 30s is way too much of an over reaction.

    I had plenty of friends that we were on good terms but they moved/swap schools then there was no more contact from when I was young. Hell going form 8th grade to high school I lost my entire friend circle. Nothing happened we were even hanging out the week before summer ended and then just nothing. It’s a natural drift. I’ve seen a bunch of them in varying degrees since then and I don’t hold that against them, I’d hope they dont hold it against me as well.

20. You don’t even remember what happened so how will he know the full details? Just chalk it up as kid being kids. I played with and had many childhood friends. People I played with all summer or stayed over their house and now I never talk to them. It was never a beef or falling out. That’s just life. You are almost 40. Neither of you are not the same kids anymore.

    He trying to clear the air but you for some reason want a full explanation and really it’s not any. He said he changed school so that alone tells us most kids don’t keep the same friends when they go to a different school. Are you upset that he left and so the friends you had stopped hanging with you?

    I’m guessing you bumped into him at a funeral? Maybe a mutual friend? He clearly probably wants to hang out or maybe grab a drink. Talk about the good times. Maybe not bring up why you stopped talking. Just let it go. Hang out like old times. Catch up on life.

21. I’ve grown apart with many friends over the years. People move to different states, start families, move on to entirely different hobbies/lifestyles.

    Just chat/text or meet once if they’re local, and see what happens. Sometimes it feels like no time at all has passed with friends I haven’t seen in a while, and others it just doesn’t feel right. All normal parts of life.

22. IMO you are the one with the issue not them – you two were 13…. literal kids and he stopped talking to you because sometimes thats what happens in life especially if he did change schools.

    Talk to him if you arent going to make it weird like this and only talk about the past

23. reading this, looking at your comments and previous posts, i believe you would greatly benefit discussing this in therapy. unfortunate dynamics that occurred as a child shouldn’t be held over others as adults.  

24. If you don’t want to be friends with him you don’t have to. Therapists don’t know everything. However if you want to work on not holding grudges you can talk it out and hopefully that will give you more of a sense of closure or peace. Yall don’t have to be friends though

25. Kids are dumb and shallow. I wouldn’t put too much stock in his behaviour back then. Changing schools is super stressful and he reached out and apologized. You don’t have to accept or hang out but you said you don’t have any friends. I’m super sensitive and have tried really hard to learn to accept people for who they are and what they can give, and not focus on the lack. Then you have to decide if you can live with how the math shakes out. Good luck OP. I had a rough time in junior highschool so I know how much it’s fucks with your head and self esteem

26. If you want to be friends, move forward and have a real talk. If you dont, let it go.

    Either way, I agree with the folks saying not to hold grudges.

27. I think you are using the trauma of lost friendships to avoid doing something in your life now. Something you really want to but is afraid of doing. Trying to solve the “mystery” of your lost friendship won’t help. But maybe making a new friend, with a shared past will. Try focusing on the fun things you did together, rather than “the break up”. He didn’t owe you his friendship.

28. Get a fucking grip dude.

29. This is all quite vague, which makes it difficult to understand.

    ‘Something grave’ reconnected you. This guy then reaches out to apologise. He’s aware he’s probably hurt you. Would he have been aware of how isolated you became over the next few years?
    Was that his fault, really?
    Would he know you blame him for that?
    (Why would you blame him for that?)

    His message comes across as a typical guy trying to say something uncomfortable, but he’s doing it with meaning. He sounds genuine, and is offering an explanation.

    Your reply to him is passive aggressive. Why did you pretend it was all fuzzy and you didn’t really know what he was talking about?

    I mean, you need to either meet him on the level, ‘you stopping being my friend really hurt me, why did you do that?’ ie have the conversation you clearly need to have with him, or tell him straight up ‘there’s nothing you need to talk about, bye’.

    He not trying to become friends again. He’s offering an explanation. And frankly, since there’s no healthy way to be friends with him whilst ignoring a massive elephant in the room, the question boils down to, Do you want to know why he did what he did??

    It’s only AFTER that convo that any question of being friends again could even be realistic, and that convo might change your view in a multitude of ways…. But to be honest, he was a kid, and I’d be surprised if talking to him didn’t help you let your grief and anger at him fade, as it probably needs to.

    You certainly do not have to ever speak to him again. But in my opinion you are looking at this backwards. You can’t know how you are going to feel in the future if your questions are answered, so there’s no way to decide now if a friendship is something you want or need from him.

    The only way you’ll ever find out though is if you’re honest with him. Because your messages are not honest. You were vague, and then pinpoint direct, but without ever making it clear what you were feeling or whether you actually wanted an explanation at all.

    Is he supposed to guess?? Because that’s not his job. He’s made an offer. Either accept, or walk away. But stop expecting him to ‘know’ what it is you want him to say, or for him to make a clear explanation to you in the face of a very unclear response from you about what you actually want.

30. Bro. It was 25 years ago when you were….13 years old? JFC.