I honestly still feel numb writing this. I'm a 26 year old male that has been living in London for 3 years now.
I’m not from the UK originally. I moved here around four years ago for a master’s degree (Hull). During that time I met a group of friends through classes and eventually met my girlfriend, who’s american and was studying abroad for her own master before finding work here too.
We clicked ridiculously fast. Same humor, same hobbies, same weird taste in movies, all of that. We started dating not long before I finished my degree, and after graduating I got sponsored through work and stayed here.
We’ve been together for three years now.
Important context because it matters to the story: I’m a trans man. I told her on our second date because I didn’t want surprises or weirdness later. At that point I’d already had top surgery and was saving up for bottom surgery.
She reacted… honestly perfectly. No weird invasive questions, no performative “omg you’re so brave,” none of that. She just kind of accepted it and moved on. At the time that meant everything to me because I’d had bad experiences before, people that freak out, or that start with this weird behavior that makes you very uncomfortable. But with her, it was just like sharing another little thing that made me, well, myself.
Our relationship always felt stable. We moved in together a year ago. We split rent and bills evenly. We had routines, shared friends, inside jokes, plans for the future, you know, normal couple stuff.
And yes, before anyone asks, intimacy was normal too. I’ve always had insecurities about my body and she knew that, but she never made me feel unwanted. Last year I finally had bottom surgery after years of saving, money I had since before I even came to the UK. It genuinely changed my life. I was happier than I’ve ever been.
She seemed happy too, for me. We adapted surprisingly quickly and things honestly felt good between us afterward, which is why what happened yesterday completely destroyed me.
I came home early from work because my shift got cut short. I was actually in a good mood. I planned to catch up on some paperwork and maybe ask her out to dinner later.
When I walked in, she was in the kitchen talking to someone with her AirPods in. She has this awful habit of basically becoming deaf when she’s wearing them, so she didn’t realize I was home.
At first I wasn’t paying attention. Then I heard my name.
She laughed and said, “Don’t be mean to OP, he’s sweet.”
I don’t know why I stopped, but I did.
Then she started talking about my surgery. Saying she honestly didn’t think she’d “make it this far.” Saying she didn’t know what to expect getting into a relationship with me and that it was “way weirder” than she thought it would be.
Then she called me an experiment.
Literally said she still viewed the whole relationship as “an experiment” and that she was “curious to see how it goes.” At one point she said she honestly feels more like she’s “observing a weird thing” than dating a boyfriend.
And she laughed while saying it.
I can’t even explain the feeling properly. It was like every insecurity I’ve ever had hit me all at once.
Because if I’m honest, there were things over the years that bothered me. Sometimes she’d compare me to cis men in weird ways. Sometimes she’d ask questions that felt less like curiosity and more like she was mentally “studying” me. A few times she made comments in front of other people that genuinely made me panic she was about to out me.
Every time I brought it up she apologized and stopped, so I convinced myself I was overreacting.
Now I feel stupid.
I left before she saw me, and walked around for hours. Ended up sitting alone at some random pub trying to figure out whether the last three years of my life were even real to her.
What hurts most is that I genuinely loved her. I was planning to propose sometime next year. I already had savings mentally divided between a ring and us eventually buying a place together.
We were literally talking this week about upgrading to a bigger apartment once our lease ends in two weeks.
Now I’m sitting here realizing I don’t even want to touch her, or look at her. I feel disgusted with her and with myself. I can't stop thinking about her each of these years touching me just to feel how weird it would be.
I came home really late last night after she was asleep and stayed on the couch. Today I’ve barely spoken to her. I know she must sense something is going on.
But honestly? I don’t think I even want a conversation. I don't want to hear a try to explain herself, or a lame excuse to justify what I heard with my own ears.
Maybe that makes me immature, I don’t know. But I feel so deeply humiliated and used that I genuinely don’t see a point. I don’t think there’s an explanation on earth that would fix hearing your partner describe you like a science project.
So my current plan is:
-keep interactions minimal for the next two weeks
– wait for the lease period to end
– pack my stuff
– disappear
I can afford it. My job pays well now and I have decent savings because unlike her, I’m pretty strict with money.
The other thing is… before all this happened, I’d been looking at jobs in Australia. It’s kind of been a dream of mine for years, and there’s currently a skilled visa pathway for my field. Every time I seriously considered applying before, she convinced me to stay.
Now I’m thinking maybe I should’ve gone the first time.
Especially because Reform winning here has honestly made me feel less secure long-term as a trans person in the UK anyway.
So now I’m considering blowing up my entire life and leaving the country within the year.
I don’t know if ghosting someone after three years is cruel. Maybe it is. But right now I feel like if I sit down and listen to her explain herself, I’ll just lose whatever self-respect I still have left. And the single thought of remaining beside her for more time completely repulses me in a way I had never felt ever before.
TL:DR: I overheard my (26 f) gf of 3 years saying she sees me like an experiment. I plan to leave, though I don't know if it's right.
44 comments
If you can leave asap, do so.
You owe her nothing and you need your own peace.
Good luck and good future.
If what you heard was true I would say it is crueler to string you along for 3 years while having who knows what kinds of conversations about you with her friends than to cut her off. I’m really sorry this happened to you, this seems like a horror story I can’t even imagine. You deserve someone who doesn’t think of you as a “weird thing” or experiment. I hope you go after your dream job and leave her and all this behind you, good luck op
You knew things were off and yet you let it continue. If you want to move counties and change jobs, do it. She is not going to be your long-term life partner.
Dude just talk to her, say what you heard and that it deeply upset you.
My partner has said mean stuff about me in the past and right in front of me thinking I didn’t care, but it upset me and I spoke to her about it later and she apologised. Still together 10 years and happily together.
If your partner truely thinks you’re an expirment then decide to end it then and there instead of just disappearing.
My advice don’t try to start the conversation aggressively and be upfront about it and honest and hope to god she takes you seriously, otherwise if you stay silent you’ll get more resentful and it will drag out and hurt more than it should.
Do it, you owe her nothing. She’s cruel and heartless.
Breathtakingly cruel. Your current plan seems good.
I’d ghost after minimal contact (getting things packed up etc) and it’s up to you as to whether you let her know why. Either way, I wish you all the best and hope you get away soon.
You should definitely talk to her. Don’t throw it out just yet
She’s awful. You don’t owe her anything. Talking things out with someone has always been more painful than moving on if they did something unforgivable. . If she’s able to speak cruelly behind your back, she’ll probably tear you down out of anger if you try to confront her
Oh wow that is incredibly cruel. You have every right to leave although I’d personally tell her why and not just ghost her. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I’m a trans guy as well and love is out there for us. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you. You’re not weird or gross or whatever you’re telling yourself now.
I think you’re overreacting. Yes, she shouldn’t have said that, but like, you really don’t let her explain and plan to ghost her after 3 years? It’s a weird reaction, she wouldn’t even know the reason you left her. You said, you loved her but how deep was your love if you react like this? It’s very immature. Just talk to her and break up like an adult, but don’t just pity yourself and be like a baby about it. Comfort her, and get out. Now is braver and better, but playing relationship for two weeks and ghost her? You are no better, sorry.
3 years is a long time, if you ghost her and leave she’ll probably be on your mind 24/7 if you love her. Have as many honest and tough conversations as you can before you make a decision
It’s honestly pretty immature to just silent treatment her for 2 weeks and then bounce to another country on the other side of the world without a conversation after multiple years together. I get what she said felt like a punch to the gut and you’re still reeling, but if you loved this girl like you said you did, you should at least tell her what’s up. You don’t necessarily have to listen to her explanation but even a simple: “I happened to hear what you said about me to your friend last night and it really made me reevaluate our relationship. I don’t feel safe or respected, so I’m going to end things between us.”
Seriously though, you might look into getting some therapy after this. Both to sort out your feelings about the relationship and also to explore why your initial reaction to this was so extreme.
I would talk to her if you could. Obviously there was something there for 3 years, the people saying you should up and ghost are basing this only off of this post, not your entire experience in the relationship.
I’ve believed for the longest time that “girl talk” is one of the top killers of relationships, and I’m nearly prepared to die on that hill … but I digress.
Yes, of course, you can just ghost her, it really wouldn’t even be about right or wrong. Relationships don’t need any other reason to end other than someone is just done & ready to move on.
But honestly, talk to them, for no other reason than to clear up any doubts you have. Tell them what you heard, show them this post if it helps. Ensure they understand exactly how much they hurt you. Depending on what they say & do next will be the green light for you to either work to rebuild the relationship, openly & honestly, OR, she reveals herself to be an even bigger shit bag (especially if they try to dismiss your feelings), which will make it easier for you to kick her ass to the curb & move on with your life.
For what it’s worth, you’re not an experiment. You’re human, and deserve the respect & dignity that comes with it. Never let anyone convince you otherwise.
Whether she meant what she said or not, do you really want to stay with someone who talks to her friends about you like that? She has no respect for you, and someone who is supposed to love you doesn’t say stuff like that. You’d be well within your rights to leave in whatever fashion you desire. Follow your dreams.
Also, I will say the timing of this is incredible, two weeks before your lease is up? Sometimes the universe gives us exactly what we need exactly when we need it.
You deserve better. Go out and find it!
Hi, I’m sorry she said these things about you but I’m not sure ghosting is the right way to go. I would give her a chance to explain herself, people say stupid stuff when they’re among friends and although you should definitely react to that, it could be therapeutic for your confidence or for your couple life (if you decide to stay together) to discuss her position
You would be so justified in ghosting her. Let her study that and figure it out for the rest of her life. Don’t give her an explanation.
Dating a trans person is not something that most cis people have first hand experience with. Since this relationship might be out of her comfort zone, i guess i can see how she might see her relationship as an experiment and how she might not have seen your relationship going that far initially.
However, your hunches are also important. I think we are better at intuitively sensing malicious intent than we think we give ourselves credit to. If you think there’s something wrong with the way she treats you, that’s probably the case and nothing is more important than your safety.
If you want to get to the bottom of this, maybe have a trusted friend over to act as a mediator and for your safety. If not, just break up with her, but don’t let this loom over your head.
I also agree that UK is a hostile place for trans people. Even the Labor government was pretty bad with the ban on gender affirming care and Starmer’s open hostility, and now things will only get worse after the Reform victory. I’d get out of there honestly.
I guess It’s mostly about her insecurity. She loves you, but she’s afraid that if she accepts it, she will be hurt. Because if you’re basically wasting 3 years of your life to just experiment; you should be considering yourself as an experiment too.
But it’s also disrespectful to talk like this after 3 years. You have to talk to her.
Cool AI generated story bro
I think ghosting would hurt you more in the long run than ending the relationship with a discussion of the reasons why. But I do think it depends on whether you think she can manipulate you into staying with her longer (the fact she has talked you out of leaving to pursue a dream several times shows she can influence you).
I do think what she said is a massive red flag, made worse by the fact she has appeared to be so accepting of you throughout your relationship. So I can understand why you want to run immediately as well. It makes me wonder what else she is lying about if she fooled you, her long term partner. Also speaking that way about you to her friends calls them into question as well (as it sounds like they were critical from what you first heard).
Maybe she is simply very immature but the lack of empathy for someone she claims to love is glaring!
Also, if you do move to Australia – welcome! 🇦🇺
Honestly it’ll probably haunt you if you don’t even hear her out. You’ve been in a 3 year relationship, just have an open conversation and tell her directly what you heard and how it made you feel and see what she says. Then make your decision from there.
Not that it makes it much better but based off her first comment about not being mean, the friend she was talking to was probably bashing you/potentially transphobic and your gf just started placating them and playing along. Again not great, but it does shift the context a bit. What she was saying may not be what she actually truely feels given that scenario.
That is incredibly cruel of her. But I do think that you should talk to her. Not to hear her out, but to make get your own closure. Let her know that you’re leaving her, why you’re leaving, and that there’s nothing she can say or do to change your mind. If you ghost it will feel good in the moment but you’re going to end up regretting it down the line.
Can you make a follow up post in two weeks? I really want to know if you’re okay in the future OP.
If you thought you were going to marry this person then you owe your future self some important closure and data. I strongly urge you, when you’re ready, to communicate and share that you overheard what they said and that you feel that they have completely broken your trust and relationship and what the actual flying fuck is wrong with them. You’re probably going to be curious in the future and it will be helpful to know how to avoid fuckwits like this also–at least that’s my rational for suggesting you communicate. Admittedly you should probably make yourself safe and maybe ask these questions in a public setting. Be well OP, sorry about the bullshit people.
I would like an update on what your ex gf will say…
I’m gonna take a wild guess and say the people who are insisting you need to talk to her, explain yourself, or question your own “extreme reaction” aren’t trans and do not understand the gravity of this experience. So I would fully ignore that shit.
Let’s get something clear: accidentally hurting your feelings is very different than intentionally disrespecting your identity. If a partner says something off hand that violates your privacy or unknowingly says something that taps into an insecurity, that’s something that can be discussed and potentially worked out.
This was absolutely not that. This was your partner flat out dehumanizing you. It doesn’t matter if it was some fucked up joke, it’s the kind of joke a transphobe makes. It doesn’t matter if she’s trying to save face with some transphobe friend, that would make her the kind of person who keeps the company of transphobes. And even if by some incredibly unlikely circumstance this wasn’t about you being trans, who the fuck talks about their partner that way? Not people who make healthy partners and certainly not people who genuinely love you. If a partner ever called me an “experiment” to a friend in **any** context when they thought I wasn’t around, I’d be packing before they realized I was home.
Having conversations and explaining yourself is reserved for people who respect you. This person clearly does not. Leave how you want. If you really want to be clear about why you’re leaving, leave a note. But don’t make any room for her to warp things to cover her ass. I would leave and block. I hope you love Australia.
I am so, so sorry for the rug pull you just experienced. I’m also proud and envious at how certain you are about protecting yourself and your self respect. I’m seriously so proud. I struggle there. How you feel makes total sense to me.
I wish you the absolute best and hope your new life in Australia is everything you wished for.
I can’t think of any context where what she said would be reasonable or a misunderstanding, and I don’t really see how you get past that. BUT. I don’t really think ghosting is the way to react either. I get why punishing her is tempting. But running away and avoiding any sort of confrontation is just not healthy for you to be doing. However hideous it’ll be, you have to be the bigger person and communicate, for your own personal wellbeing and growth. There is far too much avoidance these days and it’s preventing people from learning vital life lessons. Tell her what you heard, how it made you feel, and that you are leaving. Do that for YOURSELF. Wishing you luck
For some perspective, all women talk shit about their men. Slagging them off to their friends and treating their relationship like an experiment whilst still being deeply in love is pretty standard for cis relationships.
You have way more restraint then me. I would’ve confronted her right then and there.
Get out of there.
I am one of those who normally would say run. But what you wrote if the conversation, it seems like was not saying it in a mean way. She was expressing it.
Of course anyone can breakup over anything, but in this case, you really should sit and talk to her
I think you should talk with her. And I am neurodivergent and my girlfriends often joked that I was weird and I joked as well. I am different and I know it. And they loved me for the difference I was. I understand it is not the same thing. But exploring the difference, like between cultures, is an exciting experiment, yes. You know what, if you do purpose and she accepts, now what? Have a prenuptial if you’re much better off. But then you’d know how committed and loving she is to her “experiment”. The whole of life is an experiment. Do take everything in consideration. But this specific word shouldn’t destroy your happy life. Talk with her.
Idk why people are saying to give her a chance. I’m Latino and if I heard someone making comments about my race like that about them not being sure about interracial relationships and me being an experiment I’d drop them immediately.
Dont give her a chance. She’s proven to be a nasty transphobe already who apparently tells her friends about your genitals in detail without your consent.
Ghosting is nothing compared to the cruelty of what she said.
I mean, she sounds sociopathic. Like, not to diagnose anyone, but there are not many types of people who could behave this way for three years, when that was their underlying motivation. It is a deeply messed up thing.
People thinking you should talk to her…maybe need to think about how easily she has manipulated you this whole time. Closure is a thing you give yourself, not something you get from her.
I’m baffled (and kind of offended…) that some people here are taking this lightly. I think some of these responses would be quite different if you being trans wasn’t the issue.
Hoooly shit. That is so fucked. I’m sorry man.
Idk, in this instance I would support ghosting. She’s not been forthcoming with you and so you don’t owe her clarity. For all those saying he might not feel good about it – the fear of being manipulated back into a relationship is real.
If she hasn’t been supportive of your dreams anyway (like going to Australia, even to try it for a bit) it doesn’t sound like a particularly good relationship. Might as well give Oz a go!
Cruel? You got called an experiment and secretly laughed at for 3 years. Take the opportunities given to you and she will see what it’s like when actions have consequences
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You don’t deserve this at all. You’re a human being, not an experiment. I hope that you’re okay OP, sending lots of love your way
Go, run! Go to Australia, and I hope you can forget all about this and find someone who loves you earnestly.
You were scared she would out you? Dude nobody need‘s to out you. Hate me or not, truth exists, a trans person can be defined from 100 meters away.
FWIW I think your plan to ghost and move to somewhere you’ve always wanted to move to and move on with your life sounds like a solid plan.
You were going to marry her.. but now you just want to cut and run with no discussion?
Look if you want this to eat at you for the rest of your life, sure just bail. If you want to actually understand this situation, how you feel and how she feels, then stop and think.
She’s said some things that have massively triggered your insecurities. This is the time to grow as a person and regardless of how your relationship turns out, if you can’t have a hard conversation then what are you even doing dating someone?
Don’t be a coward, at the very least. For your own sake.