My husband 33M and I 28F have been together for over 5 years. He has severe ADHD that is untreated and will likely never be treated. He forgets important things all the time, loses things, seems disinterested in me sometimes, and gets upset with me for constantly nagging him about these things. He misses doctors appointments, has to be reminded about chores, and doesn't take care of the dog unless I ask him to. He travels multiple times a month for work and my happiest days are when he's gone. House is clean, mind is clear, I'm not micromanaging another adult.
These things are killing all the attraction I had towards him. I find myself fantasizing about a (nonspecific) man who is punctual, attentive, and responsible. At 28, those are the sexiest things to me. I have told him this, but he makes excuses about his ADHD.
I get it- I have severe anxiety, depression and ADHD. But I manage them through a lot of hard work daily. It doesn't even seem like he tries. All of attention goes towards work, his hobbies, and doing fun things/dates with me. When we do things together, it's super fun and amazing. But when it comes to everyday mundane things, we clash so much in how we approach life. Even finances are becoming a problem because he doesn't want to pay his student loans off.
I feel dumb for getting married. I was too scared to leave before the wedding. I don't know how to navigate this. I want kids. but I have to remind him when I ovulate about a million times in a week. I have to remind him that we need to try to get pregnant. I have to remind him to get a check up before we start trying. If I never mentioned kids, he's probably never bring up until I turn 35.
I know he loves me a lot, but he can't love me the way I need to be loved. He gets so upset when I complain about these things and says how I'm too negative all the time. This is because every day I'm reminding or asking if something has been done. When the answer is "no", I get upset. When I get upset, it's in a calm way. I calmly say how it's affecting me. That doesn't change the reaction.
Am I so negative for feeling this way or is he gaslighting me?