Hi everyone, looking for some objective advice on a frustrating, hot-and-cold dynamic in my WLW relationship. My partner has a history of long-term relationships but exhibits strong avoidant tendencies.
Recently, she’s been physically unwell and stressed. When we are together or texting, she is completely shut down, emotionally flat, and gives minimal, low-effort responses. I’ve tried to be supportive, but at the exact same time, I notice she has plenty of energy to enthusiastically text, send updates, and share her day with a male friend. It feels like she uses up all her good social energy for others, and only brings her empty, draining energy back home to me.
To make matters worse, whenever I gently bring up or ask about this male friend, she gets incredibly angry and defensive. She snaps at me, saying she "already told me they’re just friends" and that she "doesn't have anyone else besides me." She then flips the script and turns it into my fault, getting mad at me for not trusting her and claiming that my questions make her feel suffocated and micro-managed. It feels like a deflection tactic to avoid taking accountability for how her behavior affects me.
What confuses me even more is her mixed signals. Whenever I get hurt, pull back, and go completely silent, she seems to notice the shift and tries to "soothe" me with small, superficial gestures. But as soon as she senses I'm still there and haven't left, she goes right back to being cold and indifferent.
I’m currently feeling a painful mix of anger and anxiety. I'm angry that my kindness is met with this "taken for granted" treatment just because I am her "safe space." At the same time, I have this deep fear that I’m not actually her favorite person, just a convenient safety net.
How do I handle my boundaries from here without playing mind games? At what point does a partner "feeling safe enough to drop their guard" just cross into plain selfishness and neglect?
Thanks in advance for any insights.