Marry someone who washes your hair for you when you can't. Helps you walk when you only stumble. Who asks you throughout the day how you're feeling- who checks in if you need anything.
Marry that person. Someone who is present and dedicated when you're at your lowest, that's more valuable than anything…. unfortunately, I do not have that in my spouse.
46 comments
This is so important and I’m so sorry you don’t have that in your spouse
I am so sorry. Sending you a lot of support and strength
When I had surgery, my husband helped me to bed and dutifully woke up at 3 AM or so to help me get to the bathroom to pee and get my next dose of meds. He was always making sure I had what I needed.
I’m so sorry you do not have that.
Recently I also realized this very thing. It is concerning, to say the least, isn’t it? Especially because we just celebrated our 20th “meetiversary”. Almost 17 years married. But he really is incapable of doing anything like “checking in” or just knowing what to do if me or the kid is sick. I realize it has to do with his neglectful childhood, but that was many decades ago; how does a middle-aged man NOT know how to feel or even SEE when someone’s suffering in some way? The other realization is that he’s most likely on the spectrum, so there are two “strikes” against us. And at this point, I’m almost reconciled with the idea that he and I will not make it past our kid’s high school graduation in 4 years. But that’s a problem for future me, I guess.
Incredibly accurate. Broke both bones in my ankle, foot pretty much just dangling on my leg waiting for my surgery date had to keep it elevated to keep the swelling down. I was a major burden to my husband even though it was only three days. That was the time I decided I didn’t want kids with him. I can only imagine how fast he’d split if it was something worse or life threatening where the end was unknown. He stayed and complained knowing I’d be back up and walking ‘soon’ but soon wasn’t fast enough everything was rushed because he couldn’t help me
I’m sorry. Discovering this sort or thing on top of illness is absolutely devastating, isn’t it?
I am sorry you went through this.
My ex wouldnt even bring me a wet towel when I was in the bathroom floor sick as a dog.
Notice the important word: ex.
I wanna tell you I will wash your hair. I will take care of you and I will hug you when you needed the most. I will be your friend to you. And fuck spouses who don’t do that.
I went through this with my husband with both of my postpartum periods. I literally did everything for my newborns when I was healing and felt like I was dying.
Once I was feeding our son around 3 AM and my husband came out of our room (I was on the couch in the living room) and angrily asked me to stop burping the baby so loudly bc it had woken him up.
If I ever get divorced and am considering remarriage, I will be a lot wiser and more discerning. I read one time that each partner you have is either a lesson or your soulmate. Unfortunately, I’m really learning my lesson.
Is it that they won’t help, or perhaps they are freaking out and really don’t know the best way to help?
Sometimes partners are clueless about such things and need to be told what you need. It isn’t always innate for some. Hopefully this is fixable for you.
I am so so sorry to hear this…
Completely breaks my heart how some spouses can be so cruel and not care about anything but themselves. I just wouldn’t be able to stay with that person if this happened to me…
I’m so sorry. I am very fortunate in this department.
I don’t understand why are you still with these things? I’m not even going to grace them by calling them men because they’re not. But seriously women why are you with these things?
Ok but how do you truly know until it’s the time you need it? Or whether they will stop?
I am so sorry! I keep seeing stories like this, and it’s mostly wives who are being neglected by their husbands.
In sickness and in health. This is so abhorrent and I have second hand anger whenever I hear these horrible stories.
I hope you will heal, get stronger, and get on with your life, pursue happiness, whatever that means for you. 💐
I was with my last boyfriend for nine years when my back went out. He treated me like a pariah. There were signs before my back went out, but that was the nail in the coffin.
Had eye surgery on 2/18 then another on 2/25. My husband was amazing. Did cooking, house work, errands, took care of cats. Checking on me though out the day. Marry someone who respects & cares.
Sorry for all the people that don’t have someone who cares in their lives
We’d been married 3 years and had an 18 month old child when I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer.
We had to employ the “in sickness and in health” vows way sooner than we’d expected. I underwent surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Through it all, my husband carried the weight of our family while also lovingly caring for me when I was at my worst. I jokingly called him my ‘medical agent’ because he did it all – he handled all my communications with docs, picked up every prescription, took me to every appointment, dealt with insurance approvals/appeals, paid all the statements, etc. It was such a relief for me to not have to deal with the “business side” of my healthcare.
Everyone was always telling me how strong I was, but it was nothing compared to the strength that man had to have. He had to be filled with such deep fear, but only showed me hope and conviction. Because of him I fought like hell, and I’m here today writing this silly comment.
We recently celebrated our 8 year anniversary, our kid is finishing kindergarten, and I’ll officially be 5 years cancer free this August. Our life isn’t perfect, but one thing I know for certain, I married the right man. And I love him more today than I ever thought possible.
My husband of 20 years has been with me through sickness and lots of it. More than health, unfortunately.
He is unwavering and I love him more than life. We have neurodiverse kids, I’ve had god knows how many surgeries, complicated pregnancies, etc. He’s broken his spine (he got better) and had mental health issues, and we were never a burden to each other.
It’s really important
I had no idea how good I had it when I started having MS symptoms. This guy I’d recently started dating accompanied me to my spinal tap appointment, bought me an antique shield necklace “to keep me safe,” and then held my hand through the whole damn procedure (which suuuuucked.)
Well, later that man followed me across the country when I decided to go to grad school, stood by me when I *finally* received that MS diagnosis, and then married me five months later.
I now know how good I had it, because he still stands by me, especially as this disease gets shittier and harder to deal with. Fuck. And now I’m crying. Because fuck MS. Because I don’t let him know enough how grateful I am for him enough. Because I am not an equal household manager or co-parent because of my illness.
She did it for me when I paralyzed my dumbass for 6 weeks, I returned the favor for her cancer.
Each time, it brought us closer and closer.
We no longer have humility…. “Hun, can you come and put my leg in the shower?”
I just know my husband would never be there for me and that’s why he’s gonna be an ex soon
Gosh this is so true. I remember being so sleep deprived with our second and breastfeeding, grieving a big loss in my life and sicker than a dog from the Covid vaccination and I could barely hold my baby but still had to do it all on my own…. He is the reason I decided two kids was enough
I’m so sorry.
I had outpatient surgery years ago and my ex husband quickly got me in bed, setup a water and crackers – then promptly left to go hang with his friends.
He also threw a house party while I was in the hospital recovering from childbirth.
Yeah. Be selective.
My ex husband was a marriage so brief that it was shadowed by high school relationships! He had a near death experience and was brought back stoopid!!! Yes I spelled it wrong! Everything about him was wrong after that. An overdose! On a very new concoction! He called me fat while pregnant with an 8.6 lb baby.
Fast forward 11 months from an immediate divorce I remarried and it’s been 30 years! He always took care of me post surgery (1 heart surgery, 8 spinal fusions, an emergency C-section, a micro preemie at 24 weeks, ALL THAT, gall bladder and a hysterectomy, all before 40!
He has had an appendectomy that almost killed him! Hip replacement, knee surgeries and replacement along with a few other health issues. Never would I bail or fail him when he needs me most! And I always know I can count on him! That’s what we signed up for on those marriage documents!
My wife knew early on in dating that I would have health issues. She married me anyway. She’s had to be the caretaker way too much. But the last two surgeries were hers and I got to help her out. I got to, I didn’t have to.
My ungrateful fuck doesn’t understand I’d do that for him. Or maybe he does and exploits me anyway.
Watched my then-boyfriend (now husband) do this for his mom. I helped out (prepping meals for when she got out of the hospital). After she had been home a couple days I came home to her sitting in a chair (she couldn’t stand) sweeping the floor, because her husband wouldn’t.
Lesson learned.
I have pretty bad white coat syndrome, and over the last year I’ve had a lot of tests and scans done at an earlier age than most due to not having any family medical history to reference and me wanting to get ahead of any potential health issues. My husband made it a point to be in every room, even with me in stirrups at the gyno lol. Only scan he wasn’t allowed in for was when I had a mammogram, but he was right outside in the waiting room.
Shortly after all that, I ended up having an accident that left my arm in a cast with all my fingers having to be contained in the cast and needing to have surgery. He bathed me/washed my hair, took out and put in my contacts each morning and night, helped me dress, learned how to blow dry my hair and use a curling iron, and even got pretty good with a beauty blender when helping me with my makeup.
Absolutely agree – it matters who you marry.
One of the reasons I left my ex. She left me so sick I couldn’t get out of bed to go on vacation with family twice. Constantly insisted I go without sleep to bring her to and from work (we had opposite shifts). Wouldn’t even take a load of laundry in the washer and throw it in the dryer, or wash a single dish.
This is so true. I had an intestinal resection that went bad. Doctor was going to discharge me and my Wife pulled him aside. She said “you can’t discharge him. There’s something wrong. He’s talking funny.” Doctor says “he’s perfectly lucid.” “No, he’s not. He may seem that way to you, but I’ve known him my whole life, and that’s not HIM talking.” Turns out I was septic. If they had discharged me, I’d have been dead in a few days.
This is my dad to my mom. My mother was sick profusely new year. My dad left her to go a NYE party. I tried to indirectly get him to stay with her by saying “well if she was my wife I would stay home with her” he chuckled and went to that NYE party, alone. Idek how to get my mother to open her eyes. She’s soo in love with him despite him being a terrible partner.
I have been working through some stuff with my spouse, but I can say with certainty that he would do this for me. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Based on when I had our twins, I do not have that spouse either.
Postpartum my husband took care of our newborn daughter for an entire month. Did all her feedings, changing, bath, burping, cleaned my pump parts etc all while I rested. Always made sure I was eating enough carbs and taking me out to get sunlight etc. I’m so sorry
I am absolutely confident, without hesitation, that my wife would be there 24/7 365 if something debilitating happened to me and I am thankful everyday I have her.
We’ve been through something similar already; she was diagnosed with breast cancer while 5 months pregnant with our first child. I drove her to/from every treatment.
I remember a few weeks after starting chemo we were sitting on the couch and she was running her fingers through her hair like she always does and all of a sudden a big clump came out in her hand. She looked at me and I knew exactly what she meant. I went and grabbed scissors and my clippers and we headed to the garage so I could cut all her hair off for her.
I was by her side for that, for her emergency c-section to deliver our son, her double mastectomy and her reconstruction surgery, all of which happened within the span of 7 months. How her body is still in one piece is a mystery to me but she’s the strongest person I’ve ever known.
There was a point in my marriage where one of the reasons I didn’t want to end it was because I was afraid of what would happen if I got sick while I was alone.
And then there was a point in my marriage where I didn’t want him to be the one responsible for me if I got sick.
I had a stroke a couple months ago and my husband was visiting me in the hospital everyday. He brought me clean clothes.
He also kept texting me how much he loved me and missed me.
OP I’m so sorry for your situation. I hope you can find a good man that truly loves you the way you deserve.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry you don’t have that in a spouse. I got married for the third time very recently. My first husband got mad if I was sick for more than a couple of days. I left him after he told me that me getting pregnant was more important than my fears for my health, while I was so sick that my doctor was considering hospitalizing me because I couldn’t keep any food or water down.
The second would half-ass taking care of me, but spent more time patting himself on the back for taking care of me than he did actually caring for me. Unfortunately, he also ended up causing permanent damage when he assaulted me. My left wrist will never fully heal thanks to him.
My current husband hasn’t had the same opportunity to care for me, but when I’ve been sick, he’s gotten me water, held my hair back when I threw up, held me as I cried from the pain, gotten my meds for me, etc.
In an interesting turn of events, I’ve actually been the one taking care of him until recently. He had a pretty intense knee surgery last year. My goal was to be everything that I needed in a partner that I hadn’t gotten when I was recovering. I cooked, cleaned, and did anything and everything he needed since he was basically bedridden for 10 weeks. And, well, he married me, so I guess I did okay! Our relationship is very mutually loving and it’s an incredible feeling after having two marriages on my side and one on his where our partner just didn’t care. I’m fully aware of how lucky I am, and I hope that everyone finds the kind of love that I have
I’m sorry to hear that. My ex was the perfect husband while I was pregnant and suffering, going to all the appointments, cooking for me, holding my hand while I threw up, and I thought I hit the jackpot in terms of partners. Then he cheated on me a few months after the birth of our child. You just never know.
Who raises these type of men. Makes me so furious. One day when you do leave him, show him this Reddit thread.
I chose wrong.. mine would let me suffer and complain that I wasn’t treating him well… at lest that’s what he did the only times I’ve needed him.
I really think it comes down to simply you should want to do everything you can to make your partners life easier. I truly believe if both parties do that then life will be better
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My husband and I are currently separated, and this is one of the reasons I am not open to reconciling.
I had always imagined – and been confident – that if I were ever really sick, bedridden even, he would willingly and lovingly take care of me. Last year, he proved me wrong.
I gave birth to our first child, and discovered, when our baby wasn’t even two months old, that he had been having an intense affair. At that point we had been together for seven years, married for three.
But even before I discovered the affair, his behaviour during my recovery was deeply troubling.
The birth didn’t go as planned. It was an emergency C-section due to complications – had the doctors not caught it in time, I could have died. Possibly our baby too.
Any woman who has had a C-section knows the recovery is long and hard. Mine was particularly difficult because the underlying condition that led to the emergency surgery was still being monitored.
And yet:
❗️He refused to change diapers.
❗️He scolded me for not washing the dishes I used during the day – dishes from a breakfast or lunch I had to prepare for myself, because he never once thought to leave food ready for me. I was barely able to stand upright or walk properly. But he would come home from work and be upset about dishes in the sink.
❗️He would hang laundry on the line before leaving for work, then come home angry that I hadn’t brought it in. We lived on the second floor of a complex with steep staircases. Sometimes he’d leave the washing machine running mid-cycle and be equally upset that I hadn’t hung it out.
❗️About a week after I first discovered the affair, in a session with our counsellor, he said that HE does everything – the cooking, cleaning, laundry – implying I hadn’t been fulfilling my “womanly duties.” The only periods I was genuinely incapacitated were during my second trimester and the postpartum recovery. Those were the moments I actually needed care, and he resented every second of them. He said all of this to his wife, two months postpartum.
❗️He insisted on splitting the load; if he cooked, I washed up. In ordinary circumstances, fair enough. But I was recovering from major surgery while also caring for a newborn alone. It was heartbreaking.
So yes… one day your health will be tested, and it will matter who you married.
Marry someone genuinely concerned about you. Marry someone you’re genuinely concerned about. It’s a two way thing. That’s something people forget.