TL;DR: bf has a female bestfriend he sees whenever we're not together and treats her the same as me
I met my now boyfriend last September, and we've been going out for 5 months now. We're both 28.
Don't get me wrong, I'm completely fine with the idea of having friends of the opposite sex. I was a bit jealous initially while we were still getting to know each other because despite having more guy friends he was a lot closer to the girls, but I tried really hard to get over it since nothing seemed wrong at first. It got better when I eventually met his friends a few times and specifically talked to the girls among them, they're all lovely and kind.
The issue comes from his actual best friend… he has known her since highschool so it's been almost 10+ years, and they're both VERY close. If he's not with me over the week end and/or he's not hanging out with that group of friends (who she is part of), then he meets up with her. They see each other pretty often despite them both being busy and her living far away. Also, she's in her own long time relationship herself and living with her bf.
The vibe around them is weird. He's a hugger with everybody, but he's even more physical and touchy with her even when I'm around so sometimes I wonder if he's the same if not worse when I'm not there. Yeah he'll focus his attention on me but I've still seen him play with her hair one time, put his arm behind her back or over her shoulder another, and she does the same back. They'll whisper stuff to each other if they're sitting close and stuff. I try to not let it get to my head but it looks wrong.
Outside of that they go on walks and even picnics together from times to times just to talk while laying down in the grass which to me is a pretty date-coded activity if you're two people together (as opposed to doing it with like many people). I'm okay with him sharing a hobby with a friend but this is something else. It was one of our first date spots and I thought it was a sweet idea that came from him but now looking back on it, it's just something he does with her and it's almost as if he treated her the same way he is around me… or rather he treats me the same as he does act with her. I've seen their texts and they even say "love you" (the equivalent of it in my language) and send each other hearts all the time too. The worse thing is that he's not even trying to hide any of this.
A few days ago I told him I was feeling uncomfortable with how he acted around her and told him about each of those things and how it looked like from my perspective. I can trust him to an extent that there is nothing going on, but this still feels so out of line. I'm not asking him to stop texting or seeing her, but the way he handles himself is wrong even though he would tell me she's "just like a sister".
He answered that he understood my concerns but that's just how they showed each other their "affection", and that while he might think again about how he acts or tone down the physical touch, he doesn't want to compromise on the time he spends with his friends and most importantly his actual best friend. As long as it doesn't "impact our relationship" he's free to do whatever in his own free time whenever we don't see each other. And he argued that since I also act that way with my girl friends which I also see quite often when I'm on my own, that I had "no right to criticize him" for that?? but that's just not the same dynamic at all?
Like yeah I see other people all the time too but the limits and vibes are obviously very different between two straight girls than when you have one guy and one girl, even if they're genuienly platonic, and especially in this case when the both of them are seeing someone… again I can understand having friendships with the other sex even though I don't have any close male friends, but this is overboard.
So? feel like I'm taking crazy pills here. To me it looks like he'd rather spend his time and energy on her and the only thing that is holding him back is that we're together most of the time either at my place or at his. I'm not asking to be his #1 priority all day everyday, but he should be ready to compromise a bit more when it comes to our relationship. She's a nice girl but I'm not comfortable with how they both act.