I have been married for 23 years to my wife. I married her because I love her. I have been the primary provider for the entire marriage. I have often worked 60-80 hours per week to provide. She is a good home maker. She manages finances well. In many ways I have no complaints. When I kiss her she doesn’t shy away or reject the kisses. On the surface the marriage looks good to others. She holds my hand in public, in church etc. it looks good from the outside.
The problem?
For years I have been unsatisfied with our sex life. Specifically the frequency of it. For a long time she turned me away for intimacy so many times that I almost stopped trying. She had very little libido and I have a much higher libido. She would not initiate affection or kisses and I had to initiate all of them for the longest time making me wonder if I’m actually intruding when I do. I felt tolerated, not loved or wanted. I experienced months without intimacy at times. And it became a point of contention and strife.
I started keeping track about three years ago of all intimate encounters. I have established a pattern. Even after promises over the years of trying to do it two or three times a week it almost only happens on Sunday’s. Even that is inconsistent. (We did have sex about twice a week for a short periods of time after discussing it and I thought things were getting better but that never lasted). Now it almost never happens except on Sunday, she has verbally confirmed that it is an appointment. And worse yet on several occasions she has expressed a lack of desire for me. She will not see therapy or assistance from medical service proves to help because she believes there is nothing wrong with her. Only with me. She has told me that sex with me is a chore (not a privilege) and worst of all on my birthday last year (November of 2025) she compared intimacy with me to slavery. Then again made the same statement on Christmas Day 2025. I have been struggling to reach a climax more often lately because I believe she doesn’t want me when we do it. I am heartbroken and destroyed. It is not for lack of desire. I simply don’t want to feel like a rapist when we are intimate.
Overall she is a good woman. I don’t believe she is having an affair. However, I don’t feel desired or really loved or wanted for myself. I know she needs what I provide and I feel like she tries to give me “just enough” so that I don’t leave like it is a chore. I don’t feel loved. For this reason I feel empty inside. I feel alone in my relationship. I feel almost dead inside or at least like I’m dying. I’ve cried so much I’m now being tears. I’ve reached acceptance and if she asks for a divorce I would sign without a second thought. I’m really done and truly at a point where I almost pray that she asks for a divorce but she is too comfortable in the marriage and won’t get a full time job to support herself. I fear the financial devastation of divorce. However I also fear the death of staying married to someone who doesn’t love me.
Advice??