I'm trying to understand a situation with a friend I've known for about 4 years.
She used to say things like "you're like my brother" and we were pretty close. But over time – especially after an incident involving my (now ex-) roommate – her behavior changed a lot.
During one hangout, my roommate and another friend told me they had a "birthday surprise" and asked me to close my eyes. Instead, they slapped me multiple times. My roommate asked her to record it, and she went along with it without objecting.
I felt shocked and humiliated. Later, when I was dealing with ongoing issues with that roommate (including mental stress and taunting), she was the main person I opened up to.
After I moved out and started avoiding him, she gradually began hanging out with him and others more, while giving me excuses and avoiding me. When I started confronting her, she said things like:
- I have a "victim mentality"
- We're very different people and she doesn't have things to talk to me about anymore
- Earlier she told me she would "choose me" over him if that situation arises, but later clarified that she meant she would "choose me only when I’m sick"
- I shouldn't expect anything from her
- She's being "neutral" between me and him
- She has the right to meet anyone she wants
All of this confused me because her actions don’t feel neutral or match what she says, and it’s very different from how she used to treat me.
I'm trying to understand:
- Is this just her setting boundaries in a blunt way, or is this a sign the friendship is essentially over?
- How should I interpret someone saying you're important, but also telling you not to expect anything from them?
- Is this kind of shift in behavior normal in friendships, or is this a red flag?
- What's the healthiest way to respond here? Distance, confrontation, or just accepting it and moving on?
I also want to reflect on my side… when I confronted her, I was frustrated after feeling avoided for a while. It wasn't aggressive, but it probably came out emotionally. I'm wondering if I handled that poorly, and whether that could have contributed to how things turned out.
I've been feeling pretty low and confused about it, so I'd really appreciate outside perspectives.