Me and my ex were together for about a year and a half. We had one major breakup before this current one. During that breakup she blocked me on everything, said really harsh things, built resentment toward me and around a month later got back involved with her ex. At the time she genuinely acted fully done with me. We stayed apart for around a year.
But during that year she later admitted she still constantly thought about me while with him. She even told me she accidentally called her ex by my name while they were together. Eventually she came back emotionally, apologised for a lot of things and we got back together. So this current breakup is confusing me badly because I’ve already seen her seem completely done once before and still emotionally come back later.
When we got back together recently things actually felt really real again. I was there for her constantly. I took her little sister to the movies when she was upset, went with my ex to all her appointments for that whole week and genuinely tried to be supportive and emotionally present. I really thought I was showing change from the earlier phase of our relationship.
One of the biggest issues in our relationship was that she believed I was controlling, especially earlier on. I’ll fully admit at the start I had insecure and controlling tendencies. But later in the relationship I genuinely changed a lot, gave her more space and worked hard on myself. I recently even spoke to a psychologist who basically told me I wasn’t this abusive controlling monster I convinced myself I was. He said it sounded much more like anxious attachment and emotional immaturity rather than actual abusive control. But obviously I understand relationships are about how someone emotionally experiences things too, and she clearly associates parts of the relationship with overwhelm and emotional exhaustion.
This current breakup started around the 20th but everything really exploded on the Saturday after. That night became the major turning point. She had apparently been telling friends I was toxic and controlling, and some of them wanted to hear my side of the story. While I was emotional and trying to defend myself and explain what our relationship was actually like, I ended up telling them about intimacy we had shared because they were reacting like “ew” toward me and acting like I was some horrible person. Looking back I regret saying it because I know it hurt and embarrassed her badly. After that Saturday night she became extremely angry, emotional and overwhelmed. She cried, said she wasn’t confused anymore and basically made it clear she wanted distance and wanted to move forward.
But even after that, a few days later, we had a 2 hour phone call where she was crying, angry, vulnerable and emotional all at once. There were positives and negatives during the call. It genuinely didn’t feel emotionally dead. She also told me during the call that she didn’t want the new guy to think she had a “crazy ex”. Since then though she’s moved further and further away emotionally.
This time she also got involved with another new guy really fast again, within a few weeks of us ending, and he had apparently also just gotten out of a relationship himself. She’s been getting a lot of male attention and validation lately too. One thing I’ve noticed about her pattern is when things end she seems to try really hard to emotionally move forward fast and almost force herself into a new emotional direction. In past breakups she’s even admitted she builds resentment and “hatred” toward me after things end, almost like she focuses on the negatives so she can detach properly.
After the breakup we went around 2 and a half weeks fully no contact. Then randomly she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower on Instagram and TikTok. What confused me is every other breakup she fully blocked me everywhere almost instantly. This time she didn’t fully block me, she just removed and unfollowed me. That’s part of why I’ve been struggling to understand whether she’s truly emotionally done forever or just trying hard to detach.
I tried checking in respectfully after the no contact. I sent a calm message on Instagram just asking how she’d been. No reply. Then the next day I sent a message on WhatsApp saying I wasn’t sure if the Instagram message went through and that if she saw it and didn’t want to talk I completely understood. She was active almost immediately after I sent it and still didn’t reply.
So now I’m genuinely confused because:
her actions scream distance and moving on
but the emotional intensity, crying calls, past reconnection after a whole year apart, history of resentment turning back into feelings and not fully blocking me this time make it feel deeper than simple indifference
Does this sound like someone who is fully emotionally done forever or someone trying hard to detach from a relationship they still have complicated feelings about? And realistically if I want any chance of getting her back eventually what do I even do from here besides leaving her alone completely?