TL;DR: My wife and I love each other, but I think I have spent years trying to live a life that never really fit me. We are financially trapped, I miss my own kids, I hate our family home situation, and I don’t know if I’m having a midlife crisis or if I genuinely need a different life to function again.
My wife and I have been together for about 8 years. We both had children from previous relationships before we met, so this is a blended family.
She is genuinely a caring and loving person. She tries hard to support me and take care of me. That is part of why this hurts so much.
A few years ago we moved from a bigger city to a smaller town to build a calmer and more sustainable life. Instead, it became the opposite. We bought a house that became far more expensive than expected after renovations, rising interest rates, and other costs. I personally put in around $200k of my own money over time and most of that is basically gone now.
We also own another house that we rent out. We bought it at the top of the market and now the offers we get are roughly $100k lower than what we paid for it.
Right now we feel financially trapped. The debt is higher than the actual value of the houses. It feels impossible to start over or even create enough financial space for two separate homes.
At the same time, there is another major issue.
We became foster parents several years ago. The honest truth is that I never really wanted that life. I said so from the beginning. My wife felt very strongly that she could not say no to it. At the time I felt like my choice was either:
– accept it and stay in the relationship
or
– lose the relationship.
So I stayed and tried to make it work.
The problem is that I don’t think I ever truly accepted it internally. Over the years I have become more and more resentful. I feel like our whole daily life revolves around something I never really wanted. I know that sounds terrible, but I want to be honest.
I miss my own children constantly. I have long commutes. I sleep badly. I have anxiety almost every night. I feel emotionally exhausted and honestly not like myself anymore.
At the same time, my wife is trying. She makes food for me, takes care of me, supports me emotionally, and tries to hold the family together. That makes me feel guilty because I still feel miserable.
Lately I’ve started thinking about whether I need more space and independence to function again. Maybe even a small apartment closer to my kids. But my wife sees that as the possible beginning of the end of our relationship, and honestly maybe she is right.
What I need advice on is this:
How do you tell the difference between:
– a stress/midlife crisis where everything feels wrong
and
– genuinely living a life that no longer fits who you are?
And if anyone has been in a similar situation:
How did you move forward without destroying everyone involved?