I’m a 31M and I’ve decided to embrace a life without marriage. Honestly, I’m excited about the freedom of only being responsible for myself. While I used to want marriage and kids, I now know myself very well enough to realize living alone is the right choice for me. My only real concern is the future.
For those who are at a greater bracket of age and single, what does it actually feel like as you get older? Also, if you ever experience sudden waves of loneliness that specific ache of not having that person to share your day with, how do you handle those days?
Obviously most of my peers are married right now, that’s why I couldn’t get any real life feedback.
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Here’s an original copy of /u/Pandoras_Box__’s post (if available):
I’m a 31M and I’ve decided to embrace a life without marriage. Honestly, I’m excited about the freedom of only being responsible for myself. While I used to want marriage and kids, I now know myself very well enough to realize living alone is the right choice for me. My only real concern is the future.
For those who are at a greater bracket of age and single, what does it actually feel like as you get older? Also, if you ever experience sudden waves of loneliness or regret, how do you handle those days?
Obviously most of my peers are married right now, that’s why I couldn’t get any real life feedback.
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That’s great. I feel I am traumatized living with women and having weird expectations about when I should go to bed, how the furniture is arranged and what I do with my free time.
Data will tell you that men do not live longer if they are single. Scott Galloway talks a lot about this as he is bringing more to light about the crisis young men are having in today’s society.
It was fine until I was 35, then I really started wanting a relationship. I have had a couple casual connections since then (I’m 39), but I’m not going to have a serious relationship again, or marriage. I was completely single from ages 21 – 39.
Some years are very lonely and I have to throw myself into work and hobbies/academics to keep the loneliness from eating at me. I did make friends with a really cool woman a year younger than me last year – we are purely friends, but this has brought a new feminine energy & balance into my life.
Sometimes, friends are enough to keep the loneliness at bay, but not all the time. Loneliness is complex, and it is a gradient > there are diff. levels of it.
Not at all
it’s a nice concept, i made it to 40 without marriage, but it’s like trying to survive in the wild alone, you sprain your ankle and you’re dead, in civilization you get in a car accident and in hospital for months and you come out, your apartment is gone, all your stuff thrown out, job lost, bc no one knows where you went. Just one scenario. as you get older the reality of these scenerios becomes more and more real. but good luck. saw a documentary about a Japanese hikkikomori, was dead and rotted in his apartment for over a year, no one knew, he’d paid his rent up in advance, no one checked in on him.
I would focus on not limiting your horizons and learning to be content by yourself, and open to a potential life improving life partner if they happen to come your way
I’m 42 and have never wanted to marry or have children.
I got snipped last year and am happy about it. The framing of this question as lonely/alone/going without is jarring to me because I’ve rarely felt that way–and when I did–it was because I moved to a different city and had to build a new social network from scratch. It was never from thoughts of not getting married or having children.
But, I will also say, I kinda knew at age 17 that I didn’t have a desire to marry or have children. So, I never built a life where I have ever felt it as a “loss”.
I’m 31M like you and intentionally been taking a break from relationships/sex since I turned 29.. Long story short went no contact with family and finally living life for myself over others..
I believe the loner life is great for a period but I truly believe life is about relationships.. It human nature to be apart of a community since our ancient ancestors were tribal..
You should definitely socialize and find your happy place among people.. You don’t have to get married but you need a community..
You don’t have to get married amigo. Marriage is a waste of money and time. You can be with someone and become common law partners through time.
Fuck getting married. Fuck that.
Just want to offer some perspective on this from my career in wealth management. I’m married myself with 3 young kids, but I deal with a lot of older clients and often they are single.
For the most part, I don’t sense loneliness from older folks (60+) except in the case of divorce or death, but those single by choice seem to be doing well.
The only time you can genuinely see an uncomfortableness is when we start talking about estate planning and who to appoint as Power of Attorney. All their friends are their own age so if you’re 80 you can’t have someone 80 looking after you if you can’t make decisions so you’re left trying to find someone much younger and that isn’t always easy.
Worse still is who to leave their money to. Do we implement tax strategies? Sometimes, but other times they just don’t care – especially because the money never really goes somewhere “worthy”. Unless there’s a charity close to their heart it’s really frustrating knowing they’ve saved their whole life and it’s just going to someone else.
Nope.
You know the adage “Love will find you when you’re not looking”? Well I quit looking, and it found me lol. I can’t imagine going back to the single life now.
Boring and miserable. We are not designed to live alone. Nothing here is exciting.
Sometimes I see a father having fun with his kids. I wonder then what it must feel like, to have someone to protect. How’d the fathers feel when their children smile at them and see them as heroes.
But those are the only moments of weakness. I love being on my own. It’s a freedom of sorts to me. My home is my sanctuary of calm, I am free to pursue my own hobbies and interests. I’m free to keep learning new stuff, trying new stuff, do new stuff. Free to have dreams of my own.
When I was young I wanted to have family, four children maybe. But something has changed in me in my late twenties and now approaching forties I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who’s gonna ruin my sanctuary of selfishness and give me another purpose, but if that never happens, I will not die a sad old man. I live on my own, but I am not lonely and I have my dreams and needs that give me purpose and make me happier than I was when not living alone.
Thought that for a while to. I didn’t get married until I was 44. I wouldn’t change it for the world. To make a decision and be closed off to it is stupid. Things change and you do what’s right at the time. If a good woman comes along you’d be a fool to miss out on it.
Seeking? No. Barreling towards? Yes.
I’m a happily married old man, but my brother is a happy old loner.
IMO, it comes down to priorities and who you meet in life. I wouldn’t trade my wife for anything of course. But my brother has a level of freedom that most only dream about. He’s been all over the world, and is responsible for no one but himself.
I’m 49 going 50 single. You’re not alone.
47 and never married, no kids. I was just partying too much until my 40s.
Now I’ve gotten my life together, in great shape, but rarely feel like dating. I definitely have bouts of loneliness…but i never had that drive to have kids.
I am trying to get out and date again though. I suppose it’d be easier to stay single if you have some good friends. I don’t have but a couple left that can actually ever hangout. Been single over 3 years. I’m a major introvert so all I mostly do is work, gym, home. I love living and being alone but even I get lonely and a FWB just doesn’t cut it eventually.
Being with someone enhances your quality of life dramatically. I was a caveman before I met my woman. Now she’s making home cooked meals with love and wants me to sex her up every week it’s a beautifully thing. Plus she cares about me when I’m sick etc, these are basic things that are great. Put yourself out there man. Giving up is weak. Freedom of not having anyone responsible for is overrated. I like the fact my woman cares about what I’m doing, and I care about what’s she’s doing, protecting her etc.
Not intentionally seeking but seems I may be falling into that category by default. 33M and my dating prospects have never been worse. Also don’t have nearly the energy/enthusiasm for getting out there that I once did.
Yea I’d say do it unless you find a perfect situation. If its not perfect thats fine.
If I didnt meet my current wife by my current age of 34 probably would’ve gotten and incredibly cheap cabin in the hills.
But mostly its because im constantly stressed and I want no stress. However that also means less meaning. Less fulfillment.
And for me one night stands and flings were very easy. But what about as you get older? I dont love the idea of being 50+ dealing with dating life and running out of things to do other than relax at home. And i have a lot of hobbies. Its nice to share them.
As a 41M who planned on not getting married or having kids, who did both those things, let life happen. Live in the freedom of being single but don’t shut off from possibility of a partner.
I wouldn’t seek to be a loaner but embrace your single life and don’t think of it has a failure. Live your life and things will happen at their own pace.
Society and culture put these ideas of achievement. If we aren’t doing those things then we are a failure. I have pushed off that fake burden in my own life and it’s very freeing.
Nah I prefer to be happy
Divorced here. Have been single since 2002. I prefer being single and will remain so. The few relationships I have had (short-term) ended due to ridiculous demands regarding money, financial support, and loss of friends/hobbies to spend time with gf. Many of my friends have experienced similar demands while dating, so not just me. I enjoy my friends, family, and freedom. Would consider dating the right person but will never live with anyone or marry again.
I wouldn’t say I’m “seeking” either of those outcomes. Mostly just working to keep things simple and try to do positive things for myself. If I found the right girl who brought positive things to the table and the combination of the 2 of us was better than being single, I’d happy choose a relationship.
No, happily married
Currently, thats my path. Finally got a new career a year ago and now I want to go after stuff for me. A nice house, an even bigger vinyl collection. Travel at least once a year. I do feel lonely sometimes, thats normal body chemistry/reaction, but I fix this with games, movies and going out with friends and family.
Future seems bleak and I have no desire for kids of relationships
I’d describe myself as a lonely person (38M) and have embraced it. I’ve done plenty of solo vacations and just spend time at home by myself for the most part. However, I wouldn’t exactly say this is the life I sought. This is more like how I’ve learned I prefer to function. Never been in a romantic relationship (and not seeking one) and I also live alone and like being financially secure. With that said, I still have personal goals mostly related to travel and fitness. I’ve joined rock climbing, hiking clubs, and am looking to become a mentor for at risk teenagers. Of course, the annoying question about finding a significant other still comes up, but it’s getting to the point where I’m honest that I don’t want one and it’s my decision.
About loneliness, I look forward to my hobbies and as an introvert, once a week is enough for me. I should also mention I’m a high school teacher, so helping to motivate a bunch of 15 year olds all day and getting involved in he school helps out as well.
Marriage and kids aren’t for everyone. But no man is an island. You still need friends.
I find it extremely miserable and lonely, but my reasons for choosing to be single and alone for the rest of my life are rooted in insecurity, anxiety and self-loathing instead of trying to find happiness. The future looks very bleak, both because I do very badly emotionally when I’m alone and also because I don’t make nearly enough money to be self sufficient and never will.
There are things my peers are going through now that they can only manage because they have the safety and support of having a partner that would straight up just kill me, and at some point sooner than later something will. A future without the chance of love and connection fills me with despair, but it’s the way it’s going to be. It is what it is.
Married at 24, had two kids and divorced at 53. I’ve been a loner for the last 18 years with the last nine spent taking care of my mother.Ive thought about being more open to another relationship,but then I remember the price I paid.Its sad really. I think we are wired to establish bonds,but holy crap are women difficult to deal with in a close relationship. It’s like theyre on their best behavior until they’ve locked you down lol😱
Turned 36 this year. I’ve been single for like 18 years. Focused on university and doing well, then getting into my career field, then it was a matter of not meeting anyone and then again throwing myself into my career. Then I tried meeting folks again and tried the whole online thing which I met some women, but it just didn’t work. But the last couple hears there are definitely some times where I’ve felt extremely lonely and wished I had someone in my life, other times where I’m content as is. When my mental health crashes, it gets really bad and the thing I crave most is just to sit on a couch silently with someone. But at this point in my life, I’ve kinda almost hit the point of why bother trying. Everytime I think I’ve found someone right, they give me a reason not to trust them. And it’s feeling like the loneliness is just a price to pay for not having to deal with the bad somedays.
Marriage and children aren’t for everyone. However, at 31, you’ve seemingly decided on your entire life’s trajectory. Isn’t it better to simply let things unfold naturally?
I’ve been alone my entire adult life. I love my freedom to do what I want when I want. Dont feel like cleaning? Tomorrow. Slamed a bag of chips? Fuck it! No judging eyes (though some begging doggo eyes).
I do find myself wanting a relationship. Im still open to marriage too. Ive never wanted to create my own kids. I still want to be able to do what I want when I want. That would take a very special person – which I realize.
I dont blame anyone but myself for the situation Im in. I’ve put myself under a rock rather intentionally for a while now. I’ve also missed many opportunities because im pretty oblivious to relationship stuff. Now I just feel lost in that department.
Regardless I love the freedom. Dont see anything changing anytime soon. Never know though! Universe works in mysterious ways!
38 and i don’t desire marriage. haven’t dated in 3-4 years.
I have great platonic women friends. we talk about life, past or present dating, everything. so my life isnt devoid of women. I just don’t seek romantic relationships right now.
i have a healthy social circle of men and women. i have hobbies, spend time outdoors, go to events. i spend time with friends once every month or so. just remember as you get older though, you may have more friends that are in relationships, as is the case with me.
regarding loneliness, my only “lonely” days are holidays/long weekends where my friends in relationships would all be away spending time with their own or their mate’s family. things like that. I use those days as extra practice for my musical hobbies. i don’t really do much on holidays anyway, family is across country so i spend those days alone usually. i keep myself occupied though.
but it can still be kinda lonely on those few days. just a tradeoff of being single i suppose. just have to keep productive.
I don’t seek a loner life but I do casual/short term romantic relationships, I want intimacy and some sort of connection.
I was in a 16 year relationship and we recently split. It’s been 18 months now and I’m starting to feel the loneliness. The independence was great for a while but coming home to an empty house is sad.
I had a close female friend who id know for probably 18 years but we recently stopped talking for reasons unknown to me. So I’m feeling it even more now.
I’m more of a loner and never thought I’d be married although I did have a couple serious relationships. One from 24-29 then again from 31-33. Was single and never thought I’d get married then at 36 I met my wife. Got married at 39. It does sound like quite the shit show out there today, I have buddies w all kinds of dating app stories and another buddy that’s already been divorced twice. I would say just because you aren’t looking doesn’t mean it will never happen. Keep an open mind.
I mean everyone is gonna look at you like your creepy, when you’re single in your mid 30’s you better have some good guy friends. All my friends are fucking losers, allthey do is drink, so I gotta do everything by myself, and I’m not the best looking guy so I have to be careful where I go or people will look at me like I’m some criminal. You’re better off having a family, that way society at least treats you like you’re human
I’m 34 and well I don’t know if I’d call it “seeking” but I’m quite discouraged from finding a long-term partner.
I wouldn’t approach life in this manner. If someone comes along that makes your life that much better it could make you change your mind, just keep an open mind you don’t have to actively be searching day and night
Funny how this has been brought up. I’ve undergone several periods of self-reflection/consternation and have come to the the conclusion that I am not intimate relationship material.
My time in the service further cemented this unfortunate fact, and I just feel incredibly lost navigating society’s expectations of having a healthy friend group and a (caring, trustworthy, transparent) significant other.
I haven’t dated at all (I’ll be 30 next year) and my only sexual escapades have been with escorts. The bullying and teasing that came from revealing to my friends that I was a late 20s virgin spurred me to seek out providers’ services.
I also strongly believe that I am neurodivergent, since close relatives and members of my immediate family have been formally diagnosed. This makes it somewhat hard to pick up on cues that I may or may not have gotten from women.
It’s a lonely life. But we all die alone at the end. That’s my freeing thought or saving grace for the future.
If you can somehow make yourself inhuman and cope with that I salute you. I wish I could.
35M. Don’t want kids, friends partnering off and any potential partners seem to want kids. Not in touch with family.
I’m hurtling towards a loner type lifestyle, I have a wide net of friends so still socialise once a week but it’s nothing like my 20s.
Barely get a date too. It is what it is. It’s scary being alone but at the same time I can fully lean in and trust myself whilst understanding and supporting myself better.
It’s tough but I feel like I’m growing through the experience and learning to be just fine with it.
34M, been single my whole life. I want to get married and have a life partner, but it seems it may not be for everyone, such as myself and it’s the reality I’m willing to accept. I’m also childfree so trying to find a partner also CF and wanting to be with me is less likely than me winning the lottery.
I was feeling that way for the past two years after two back to back shitty relationships.
I threw myself into hobbies, MMA, skydiving, rock climbing, got more active in Alcoholics Anonymous, and really focused on my career.
Then it just felt kind of empty. Like, this is it?
So I changed up the tinder profile, stopped just trying to get laid and then poof. There she was.
It’s good for me to have someone to care about and help take care of. I find it more fulfilling than just caring about my own goals but to support someone in theirs and see them improve.
And the sex is really really really good. Way better than casual sex. Like, hi how are you? Boom boom boom. Ok, see you next week. That was exciting for awhile but then seemed empty too.
It’s never too late tho. And you don’t have to have kids. Just live your life and don’t worry about it. If it happens it happens. It’s just weird to me that I met someone who’s weird the same way I’m weird and isn’t annoyed by all the things that annoyed partners in my past relationships. It’s just weird how easy it all is. The really difficult conversations just… happen. Naturally. All the weird, silly, lame sounding shit that you hear women’s magazines talk about to have healthy communication, just happens naturally.
Fucking weird, man. I never expected it. This chick is like what I’d be like if I were a chick. And me if she were a dude.
I was. Had been happily single since 2012, then the parents died and my view changed.
If you’re single and living alone and decide you don’t like it, changing your life is much easier than if you’re married and living with family and decide you don’t like it.