Sorry for the long post. I feel like I just need to get this out. Me (45F) my husband (54M) am having a really hard time trusting him. I had stage 4 cancer over 3 yrs ago. I went through surgery, chemo and radiation. The surgery affected how I talk, eat and much more. I am finally starting to do better. As I stated I still have issues due to the cancer. A few months back our old dog was super sick and I was laying with her and I wanted to look something up but forgot my phone charging in the another room. My husband’s phone was laying there so I picked it up to look whatever it was that I wanted to find out about. As soon as I opened the internet there was pages and pages of porn. I was super upset for many different reasons. Because of everything I had been through we hadn’t had sex before my surgery. I had told him many times we could but he act like he wasn’t interested. Then seeing the porn made me furious but also very hurt. Then I find in his Facebook messenger women send him pictures and videos. He really hadn’t talked to any of them but I was furious and hurt. I tried to talk to him about it and he just said all men do it. I am not anti porn or anything but just hurt that he would rather have that than be with me. He said he would stop. We also began having sex again. We always have each other’s locations and last week I just happened to check his when I was at an apt. I saw he was at an adult bookstore. When I text and asked what he was doing there he waited for like 10 mins to respond but it was just being sarcastic saying where am I now. I didn’t respond. Then on Mother’s Day his phone went off and he was sleeping so I went to check what it was. When I did I didn’t see any messages. So I just starting closing all his pages when I did he had been on YouTube looking at porn so it wouldn’t show up I guess in his history browser. So I was pissed. It caused a fight and my Mother’s Day was ruined except for my boys. He also has a drinking problem. He just quit drinking. Him looking at this consumes me because I feel like I am not good enough, pretty enough and it gives me bad anxiety and depression. I just started counseling. So I guess my question is how do you get over the hurt? I do love him and I want this marriage to work. I know my cancer has affected not just myself but him also. I went from working full time to being on disability because of my issues I still have. Idk how to deal with the hurt. Every time I see anything it brings all those feelings back up. It also makes me have no trust in him. I have told him that also. He isn’t a talker. He keeps his emotions bottled up. Idk what to do to try and not let this consume me. He is a good husband and did stick with me through all of this.