29F, never been in a relationship. I try to be open and honest, upfront, and intentional. I see no point in wasting time. If we’re incompatible, it’s fine. If you want sex and I don’t, it’s fine. But, men just seem to want to use me and I can’t figure out how to stop that.
Only conclusion I can find is that it’s me. Please, don’t try to convince me that I’m not the problem. I’m the only person I know who can’t date at nearly 30 and it’s NOT normal. I do NOT want to hear any lies about how I’m doing guys fine, or anything of the sort, cause I’m not.
I guess this just is what it is. I changed how I date, tried to be the one to take initiative, then I thought taking initiative was turning men off. So I now try to let them take the lead (not with paying or anything, just with asking for a first date). They still just want sex.
I’ll never figure out what’s wrong with me, or what I do wrong. I wish I was like the women around me, I really do. I’m missing *something*.
Edit: Just to clear it up, the issue I have in dating is that the men I meet don’t want anything serious. They just want casual, and no I don’t have one “type”.
32 comments
Id like to know in detail, coz this is vert vague and cant really say anything about, sure it might be you, but cant really say coz the details is very general
Same, I think ppl like to create this stereotype of them being “easy” or simple but they’re definitely not. . .
It’s not you. Some People just want some things and they dont care if they hurt or Use others.
It is a bit difficult to give any sort of feedback or helpful guidance given your post.
There is not much i can work with. You also seem to claim that you are the problem, which honestly could be the issue in itself.
I am close to your age and at this stage of my life I am only looking for a meaningful relationship where my partner has worked on herself as much as I have and has enough self awareness and understanding. If i sense that is not the case, I tend to seek the exit right away.
I would like help but I do not have much to work with. Perhaps share some details of a situation/date and details about what you think YOU did right&wrong and what that person reaction wad.
kindly dont be negative. its not you. Its problem of opposite to you whom u met with
I mean what do you bring to the table? And how are these men you have dated like?
Maybe you’re going out with the wrong men. Do men who are “safe” boring to you? If you’re only attracted to flashier men, they’re the ones who only want sex. The nice guys tend to want a relationship.
It takes time. I am trying to go slow with a woman but not sure what pace I should keep.
What do men want to use you for? Is it common with all tyr guys?
Honestly speaking, everything starts from attraction. Are you attractive to sleep with or attractive to keep? Sex is sex, doesn’t matter even if you’re not very attractive. Commitment or dating someone with intention, now that’s different. Everything matters, not just attraction. I can’t really pinpoint what maybe the problem or give any specific helpful advice if I don’t know what you look like or anything about you. All I will say is, if nothing changes, at least make sure you’re emotionally very attractive to men you meet.
Some people face difficulties that doesnt mean they are undatable its probably that they are late bloomers.
This is the reality of dating the apps, you have to weed through a lot of garbage. You are not special in this way and this experience is not unique to you.
It’s not you. It’s men.
Hi friend! I (28F) can relate to so much of what you said. I went 28 years with no boyfriend and really struggled with dating. It was always confusing to me because I know I’m not ugly, I have a great job and a good head on my shoulders, I have love for myself, and I have meaningful relationships with friends and family. Aside from never having been in a relationship, I can honestly say I don’t think I have any red flags. Not claiming that I’m perfect, but I’m ok enough to find love and it’s been frustrating and painful to go through life never finding it. I tried the apps. I tried meeting people in person. I did the speed dating. I had multiple short term situationships. Nothing ever seemed to pan out and I always found myself with the wrong type of person who would just use me or suddenly claim they didn’t want commitment. I would cry to my mom on the phone and tell her I’m going to be alone forever… because it genuinely felt that way.
In January of this year I went on my millionth first date with a man (35M) I met on Hinge. I almost couldn’t even pull myself off the couch to go because first dates were starting to feel like a chore. I told myself I would go out for one drink, feel it out, and go home since I had an early work day the next day. That date ended up lasting hours. We talked and talked, vented about the current dating climate, threw back a few drinks. We talked about our friends, families, goals in life, biggest accomplishments, biggest dreams. We kissed goodnight and he didn’t make a move to try to bring me back to his place for sex. It was all so refreshing but I also didn’t want to get my hopes up because a lot of new people start out good and then switch up along the way.
Well he never switched up on me, still hasn’t. Last weekend I met his parents and this weekend he asked me to be his girlfriend. I straight up cried lol. To this day, I don’t know where he came from. It feels like life did a complete 180 and I’m now being shown why I was forced to wait so long for love… all of the things I didn’t think were possible for me in love are actively coming true. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful and caring man. He is a literal Prince Charming and everyone who knows him speaks highly of him. He’s obviously not perfect, but dammit he really might be perfect for me.
I’m telling you this to tell you not to give up. I genuinely did not believe this was possible for me. I always assumed something was wrong with me or that I was missing something… but maybe I was just missing him and didn’t know it yet. He did not come when I wasn’t looking… but he did come when I least expected it. It’s not you and it’s not your fault that you haven’t found love — divine timing just hasn’t taken place yet. It will come for you too, girl, I promise. 💗
Just want to say I feel you OP, and I’m 38! I can’t say I’ve never had relationships, but my dating experience is similar. It feels like you run into the same problems no matter who or how you date, so it must be you. And I definitely understand the frustration of people denying your experience 🙄 and telling you bs positivities 🙄🙄.
So I’m simply here to say I know what that feels like and it’s really lonely. It’s helped me to get to a place where I do authentically love myself and my life, even if romance is not something that comes naturally to me. I have accepted that that’s not a part of my story. And it doesn’t mean I’m bad or I’m necessarily doing anything wrong (though always be looking in, sounds like you have been).
This is where that dumb thing they say can be true: that’s when it happens. And it’s not because you changed anything, you’re just not dwelling on the opposite. Don’t do it so that this happens, it’s not a guarantee and treating it like one will make you feel worse later (“I’ve tried focusing on myself and I still haven’t met him waaaa.”) I’m just saying you’re young and you might be surprised.
Hang in there. I know it feels like it is, but I promise you romantic love is not the only incredible thing about this world.
I feel the same about women, I’ve tried almost every approach and I’ve heard every excuse as to why they won’t date me, I’ve practically given up
Try being 41 and no one wanting you it hits different
Why did you stop taking initiative?
That’s a huge assumption that it turns men off. Also dead wrong.
where do you typically meet men if you don’t mind me asking? I never use dating apps because it seems like a cancer.
Girl don’t try to be convinient:) The more you expect from the man, the nicer he will treat you. Now you sound like you are lowering your standards, you even mention „not with paying“. paying on the first date is absolutely absolutely bare minimum for a decent man. Try to work on your standards. Sorry if I’m wrong, your description is very short but that’s my impression
Do you respect yourself and the men you’re going on dates with, and do you have solid boundaries around how people treat you and speak to you? Do you know clearly what you want and won’t tolerate?
If you somehow learned that you always need to put other people’s needs before your own, I could imagine that making it easier to attract men who don’t have a problem using you. I’m guessing you may be unconsciously signaling that certain behavior is acceptable or will be tolerated, even if consciously you dislike it.
I’m not a counselor, just wanted to throw the thought out there.
I know what you mean
Are you low enthusiasm or shy around them? This can give them an idea of seeing if you’re actually into them
Some men like toxic chaotic women dont take it personal
Some men are just wanting sex until someone new comes along then they actually didnt like you that much all along
The good news is if you have the mentality that the “problem” is your fault, then the solution is also in your hands!
You don’t seem happy in life, and that’s usually pervasive in how you come across. Would anyone really want to put up with that over and over again?
This is just a problem you have to deal with as a woman; it has nothing to do with you as a person. Men have to deal with women only wanting them for their money. It sucks, but the only way to find a guy who actually likes you is miserable trial and error.
i feel like i dont understand what youre trying to say.
Can you reword in like a sentence what exactly is the problem.
As a dude I’ll be honest, most guys on this current dating culture even the “nice” ones see having sex as the end goal. If having sex is not in the table until you are comfortable is good to be open to express that early in a relationship. The one that is willing to wait is worth it, if not then they are not meant to be for you and your boundaries.
Ok but honestly… I’ve dated a lot in my life and that is what men are like? So so many of them would much rather choose the easy route of sleeping with someone without having to make a commitment. It’s so exhausting to try and navigate. They’ve got all sorts of tricks to make it seem like they want something more but really, it’s just sex. So you’re not alone in experiencing this.
I keep trying in dating and I feel like I am being used/treated badly as well.
Dating apps have been pretty horrible for me. Lately ive been just trying to do more social activities that aren’t the bar. I still have a lot of personal stuff to work on before I try for those first dates.
Stop dating people your attracted to.
I’m reading between the lines a little bit here but it sounds like there might be some hang ups about sex in a relationship for you, maybe predominantly the early stages. Again, I’m assuming a lot, but for guys, sex is not just about orgasm/release. It’s an important way that many men (women too… but less common) use to gauge compatibility, feel closeness, and express themselves. I truly don’t think the average guy is really “using” women for sex. I’ve had some really incredible relationships that failed because I did not take the strength of the sexual connection and compatibility seriously enough early enough. So exploring your own relationship with sex might be an interesting place to look.