I (20F) am extremely attracted to intelligence, especially academic intelligence. I genuinely cannot connect romantically with someone if they cannot hold deep conversations, think critically, talk about ideas, etc. I need mental stimulation in a relationship.

The problem is that in the past, I dated someone mostly because I thought he was intelligent. I ignored the fact that I was not physically attracted to him at all, or he wasn't conventionally attractive in any sense. The relationship ended up being terrible, he was emotionally abusive, treated me horribly, and after it ended, I felt a lot of regret about forcing myself into a relationship where I ignored physical attraction completely just because I liked his mind/personality.

Recently, I connected with a guy online and I genuinely really enjoy talking to him. He is academically smart, mentally on the same wavelength as me, good at conversation, respectful, emotionally engaging, and I feel very intellectually connected to him. He also clearly seems interested in me romantically.

Here is the problem: I am not physically attracted to him right now.

If he looked different physically, I genuinely think I would already be developing feelings for him because the personality/intellectual connection part is exactly my type.

Now I am extremely confused because:

  1. I genuinely enjoy talking to him and do not want to stop.

  2. But I also do not want to lead him on if this ends up being only friendship from my side.

  3. At the same time, I do not know if attraction can grow because we have only talked online recently.

I have a habit of disappearing the moment a guy shows romantic interest if I am uncertain, because I am terrified of giving false hope. But I also feel like suddenly cutting him off when I genuinely enjoy him would be unfair and maybe unnecessary.

So my question is:

Am I leading him on by continuing to talk to him normally when I am unsure about physical attraction/romantic feelings? Should I distance myself now before he gets more attached, or is it okay to continue talking while I figure shit out?


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