My mom (60M) met her husband when I (32F) was 21 and she married him when I was 23. For some reason she felt I was still young enough, despite not living with her or being financially supported by her, to see this man as a father figure. She was shocked and very upset that three years after she got married I also got married and did not give him any special or standout role in my wedding. He was a guest and he was treated with the same respect as other guests but that wasn't enough for her.
This has been one of a long history of up and down points with my mom. After my dad died when I was a baby she hopped from relationship to relationship for most of my childhood and settled into being single when I was in my mid-teens. She asked me a few times why none of them ever mattered to me and why I never seemed upset to see them go and I told her I knew every one of them was temporary and I hardly ever knew them that well.
Going back to her husband, she thought that it meant I wanted a dad and wanted to have another parent and that my age would not matter at all. Her husband is fine and we get along well enough. I'm friendly and we talk when we see each other but to me he's my mom's husband and no kind of father figure or parental influence in my life period.
It bothers my mom so much that I am not close to him. It bothers her that our relationship is not that deep and that he's very clearly not someone I look at as a father figure. She has brought it up to me a thousand times that she finds it disrespectful because he's a good man and he would love to be my father figure. She even told me I should be thankful for all he could and would do for me if I allowed him in. She said I grew up without a dad but don't have to live without one as an adult.
I have lowered contact with my mom over this but nothing has changed and I feel like nothing will change because she expects me to run to him and call him dad and have everything fit perfectly to her ideal. She has talked about it being a respect and appreciation of her to improve things with her husband. But she doesn't exactly think my husband needs to be her son or as close to a son as you can get and she has known my husband sine we were both teenagers. It's not that I think she has to or that my husband thinks that. But I find it so funny/strange that she acts like I owe her and her husband that but it's entirely one sided.
I'm not sure how best to move forward with my mom so I would like some advice on our relationship moving forward. She wants more contact to see my children but I don't want these disagreements around them constantly.