Bit of a happy rant. Flaired as venting because that’s all this is. I can’t call it a success story because that’d be premature.
But I’m having a good time and want get that off my chest lol
Some advice at the bottom 🙂
\*\*\*
This is the first time in my life I’ve ever felt this level of comfort in dating, and it’s kinda surreal. Like it almost feels wrong. Still I think it’s actually a good thing to not get the “dating butterflies”, because it means I can hopefully evaluate her more objectively?
And the weird thing is…
I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but…
… As much as I REALLY like her I kinda don’t care whether she likes me.
That’s not quite right….
I care what she thinks. Definitely.
And I really do hope I’m a good fit for her, because she’s exactly what I’m looking for in a partner. I legit love spending time with her and I like all I’ve learned about her from the times we’ve gone out so far.
But what I’m saying is I don’t feel any pressure whatsoever to convince her I’m a good fit: I’m always trying to grow and in that regard I feel inspired by her. but I don’t feel any need to change/ to “become” a good fit for her….
I’m just… not worried?
I’m definitely NOT saying that in a cocky way, it’s not like I’m thinking we’ll definitely “make it” or that I’ve got this in the bag lol
I’m just not worried because I trust her judgment.
I’ll explain:
Straight up, at this point if she were to tell me I’m not a good fit for what she’s looking for I wouldn’t hold it against her at all. Like if she decided to break things off I’d be bummed, for sure, but not heartbroken or destroyed.
Probably not even surprised. I think I’m a good person with a lot to offer, but that doesn’t mean I’m automatically what she’s looking for.
She could turn me down for any reason to no reason at all and I’d still just be rooting for her 🙂
And that’s an unexpected sort of peace, considering how much I like her.
she’s for sure the most impressive woman I’ve ever spent time with, I like her way better than any woman I’ve ever dated, and I feel legit optimistic about a future with her. When I say I’m not worried what I mean is: if we did make it I could absolutely see myself being really deeply satisfied, peaceful, and happy with her— for life. As in I’d enjoy being good to her 🙂
As in I don’t feel any apprehension on my part, as to whether this woman is worth my time.
It’s because I haven’t seen a single thing from her I dislike, rather i have seen so damn much that I deeply admire!
She’s got a great career, active in community service, she’s shows lots of empathy, she’s thoughtful, and I’m happy to say she’s smarter than me. we’re politically aligned, she’s a great conversationalist, she’s willing to call me out and be direct, she’s authentic and kind to the strangers and staff we’ve interacted with…. She seems to have a lot of wisdom and I trust her judgment. She’s also got a really calming presence, and a very attractive voice— a great sense of humor and a beautiful laugh. She seems honest… and I try not to let this matter to me, but she’s also legitimately so fucking pretty. Gorgeous I’d say. Part of the joy of being around her is just watching her and listening to her talk, I even like all her mannerisms….
ultimately she impresses me so much that I feel like I SHOULD be obsessed, fixated, and anxious to win her approval and admiration, but the truth is I don’t feel like I need anything from her.
I’m literally just rooting for her 🙂
And I’m thankful for the time she’s chosen to spend with me so far!
I want her to have a good partner, and with how awesome this woman is, i feel like she could literally have almost any man she wanted!
Now if what she wants long-term turns out to be me I will be cloud-nine thrilled!
Like I’d be beside myself and smiling for months on end! Because i admire the hell out of her and want to be around her more.
I’d love to be the guy who contributes to her peace and happiness— to be the guy she can look to for comfort, support, and companionship… but more than anything I just want this woman to have all that peace, happiness, comfort, and companionship that I feel she deserves…. from whoever she ends up choosing, even if that’s not me 🤷🏻♂️
Is that weird?
I think the thing is I fully trust her judgment. She seems to have high standards, confidence, intelligence, and self knowledge so I know she also has a high degree of discernment, and I trust she’ll make whatever choice is right for her and that’s refreshing af!
So I’m trying to just be me, putting out all the things right up front so she can get all the info, for a fully informed decision!
I mean I won’t go into all the details but I made a point of leading with all the stuff I thought may rule me out, early on: like being an avid dumpster diver, being a single dad, having a physical injury, some past traumas, etc.
I told her she can ask me anything anytime. Not in the hopes of ruling myself out, just in the hopes of getting things open so she doesn’t end up spending time on me unless the potential is real. If there is something that should rule me out for her, I’d rather she know right away.
At the same time I’m trying to evaluate her, as shrewdly as I can, but so far it’s impossible for me to find anything I don’t legit like or love about her.
The only hardship is our busy schedules, but if anything that makes me admire her more for her commitment and work ethic, and it just makes me want to take care of her and treat her to some fun and comfort and relaxation all the more🤷🏻♂️
Not to be crass, but…. when I’m interested in a woman, intrusive thoughts are a thing. But in this case, these intrusive thoughts are more tender than what I’m used to, and a lot of the time, if she crosses my mind I actually get chills.
If i day dream about her i think about cooking for her, cuddling, and combing her hair. I’ve never fantasized about any of that stuff with past women. It’s so out of left field I don’t know where it came from lol. And when more physical thoughts do pop into my head, all i fantasize about is making her feel good and cared for.
Suffice it to say, these are just way cleaner, and more wholesome than the intrusive thoughts I’ve had about past relationships— I think because I admire who this woman is and all I’ve seen of her mind and her personality. Big picture stuff.
And I know this is literally just a “happy rant”
I’m having a great time knowing her, but I know nothing is guaranteed.
I’m glad to be seeing her for now, and im ready and willing to be closer but again most of what I really feel is I’m just rooting for her to find the peace she deserves.
Anyway, rant done!
Perhaps I can offer some useful advice for others
A couple things here:
I’ve had some bad relationships, where I made excuses for people I didn’t really like across the board, because I told myself nobody’s perfect and I shouldn’t be shallow. And I’ve always been very adverse to hurting peoples feelings, so I’d accept behaviors I didn’t like, and stay with people to spare their feelings.
But some of those relationships were so bad I decided at this point in my life I’d rather be single than stuck with someone I wasn’t really 100% all about.
****
Advice 1: maintain high standards! Not to excuse shallowness, but don’t compromise your values! If someone isn’t right for you, trust your gut. Don’t make excuses for behavior or people who do not align with you and what you’re looking for.
Advice 2: dating apps can be really toxic, awkward, and uncomfortable. BUT if you’re going to use one, absolutely make liberal use of the filters! Be as selective as possible to ensure you’re initiating contact with and spending energy on people who actually have a chance of meeting your standards.
Advice 3: be radically honest. Don’t hide anything (other than your social security number lol)! If your goal is to find your “forever” person, then radical honesty isn’t just the kind and respectful thing it’s also the practical thing. Being forthright helps you and your potential partner discern whether fits are good, before investing a bunch of time, emotion, or effort on what could be a doomed cause.
Advice 4: if someone seems too good to be true, don’t be afraid to give them a shot! And don’t sell yourself short.
I legit couldn’t believe it when I matched with this woman on hinge, because her dating profile was so good I thought I had to be getting catfished. Like how many stunningly beautiful, professionally successful, confident women are trying to match up with dudes who brag about dumpster diving???
Protect your privacy and your safety, but don’t be afraid to aim high and try to connect with the sort of person you can truly, deeply admire.
Advice 5:
Don’t over-invest or let yourself too attached to the idea of a person. Chemistry matters, but don’t let it over-rule your discernment. No matter how overall attractive a potential match is, don’t let yourself get swept up and away. Your goal shouldn’t be to chase, your goal should be to learn about potential matches, and evaluate them as objectively as you can.