I was with my ex-girlfriend for about 1 1/2 years, and our relationship was honestly amazing. It never felt like we ever truly left the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship, even just a week before this whole incident happened, we were touchy, intimate, lovey dovey with one another and everything. We had great communication, and had been friends long before we had confessed to having feelings for one another, so there was just this natural chemistry between us that made everything feel great.
Then about a two weeks ago, she decided to go out to a get together with her friend group. I'd met them all before, and thought they were all cool people, so I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Well, I get off of work that night and decide to go over to the friends house that they're all at to surprise her and just say hi. When I get there, I ask where she's at, her friends say she's in the master bedroom cause she got stupid drunk.
When I found her there, one of her guy friends was having sex with her. And it wasn't like she was just laying there and taking it either, she was actively engaging in it as well, and looking like she was enjoying it. I yell out at them both, and the guy immediately jumps off guiltily and hides off in a corner, while I'm trying to talk with my ex, but she's very clearly drunk and incoherent, just grunting and saying nonsense. I don't even know what happened after all that, I think I threatened to kill the guy and I know her friends all immediately came upstairs to calm everything down, but after a while I just felt hurt, embarrassed, and just fucking hollow, so I left. I didn't text or call her that night, and neither did she or any of her friends. The next day she texts me about how sorry she is and how she doesn't know how she ever let that happen. I ignore her cause honestly, I'm just feeling bitter and resentful at this point.
Then yesterday night, her friends all begged me to get on a call with her, saying how all of this is so fucked up and that they've all cut contact with that guy. I decide to go ahead and hear her out just for some closure, and that's when she basically says that she was raped by him. Basically, she was almost blackout drunk, and when her friends sent her to the room to sleep, that guy had come in and basically forced himself on her while she didn't know what was going on at all. She also said how sorry she is, and that she desperately wants us to stay together, that she would never intentionally do anything to hurt me like that. I told her that I just needed some time to think about all of this.
Part of me wants to believe her, cause I know that this isn't like her, she wouldn't do something like this, especially when our relationship just felt so right. But then I keep remembering what I saw, how she was being active with him, how she was making sounds like she was into it, and whether or not those were intentional or just her drunk mind fuckin with her, it still just stings really bad. Then I also feel like a piece of shit, cause if she really was raped, then what kind of fucking boyfriend was I to just storm out of there and ghost her like this?
I guess I just need advice on how to feel about this all. I feel angry as hell, not necessarily at her, but kinda at her? I also just fucking hate myself now too, I feel like I should've stayed back to figure out what was really going on. Does anyone even have any experiences like this or similar?