she’s my aunt (she’s a year older), but we refer to each other as sisters or cousins. i’ve been ignoring her messages since march. my heart begins to race with fear when i see the messenger app in my peripheral vision. i had these “episodes” of isolating myself for a long time. that’s how i failed to graduate and lost all of my friends. but her and i kept regular communication for a couple of years. last time i called her, we were both stressed from unrelated issues, and i was frustrated and behaved inappropriately. not agreeing on something and hurting each other is very rare for us, and for some reason it was so hard for me to apologize (usually, we easily apologize to each other, but i was really embarrassed during that entire conversation and didn't know what to say). i did apologize before we hung up, and we went to bed on warm and friendly terms.
we exchanged texts twice more after that, but it was just her sharing stuff with me but not getting a reply, and then a week later i’d be saying something like "hi! i’m really sorry, i promise to text you back, pls dw!” then, in april, she tried to reach me through my brother, he just told me to text her, and i said ok. i said ok and kept ignoring her.. i’m not even sure why i’m like this. i think i just get overwhelmed and isolate myself, and then as time passes, shame and anxiety pile up, and i basically submit to it.
she’s the most important person in my life, and i know she feels the same way about me. we were so close, but i’ve failed her repeatedly, and saying sorry again and again seems dishonest and hollow and i know people get tired of it over time. i wrote a few drafts, but when i reread them, i feel like i keep making everything about myself. i just don’t know how and what to say.
tomorrow is her birthday and i’ve never felt more tired of myself as i do right now. i cannot neglect her. especially on her birthday. i know i have to stop and change. please help me start. thank you!