So I have been dating for 18 months; he is my first partner and serious relationship I’ve ever been in. For context, my boyfriend's family is less well-off than mine. This is important since he paid for all of his university and has been working since he was 14. Recently he graduated from his degree, which took longer than he was expecting, but he hasn’t stopped working during it and after. A month ago he officially became co-owner of the martial arts school he has been working at for more than 10 years and also works half-time at an accounting firm. Most of the money he makes goes to the martial arts school and savings since he recently got accepted into pharmacy school, and I have seen him stress out over the school loans he has to take and be able to fix all the stuff he needs for the school before he starts studying again in September.
One of the main things that has him stressing is his housing situation; he still lives with his mom and doesn’t have to worry about rent, but pharmacy school is 2 hours transit from where he lives and 1 hour drive. Driving is not really an option for him; gas prices are super high, and the university that he is going to has parking that costs $1000 per semester, and transit in our city is covered by the university.
I on the other hand, have only helped during the weekends at my parents' business growing up but never really had to work seriously until last year. At 18 I decided to study at a university abroad, and my parents covered my bachelor’s, apartment, and expenses and still do even after I went from having a student visa to a work permit. I’ve been paying for all of my expenses since last year, but my parents still pay for my rent, which, even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment in the city I live in by myself. I work not because I need it but because I feel bad that my parents spend so much money on me.
Why am I saying all of this? Well, I live 45 minutes transit from my boyfriend’s new university, and after seeing him stress so much, I offered him to crash out at my place the day he has classes. I told him I couldn’t offer him to live with me since in my culture and religion it is not well seen to move in together until you are married, and if I move in with him, most likely my parents would stop supporting me, which I’m not in the financial position to allow, but he already spends the night at my place 3 times a week behind my parents' back, which would be hard for them to know since they live in my home country and I do not.
After thinking for a couple days my boyfriend told me my offer would be his last option. First he was going to try to move in with one of his friends or somewhere else, but if he was honest, he didn’t think he was going to be able to afford rent, so he might take me up on my word, but he felt guilty and was talking about taking advantage of me from doing so. I told him that he could pay for my groceries or the utilities (which are stuff I pay for), but that he wouldn’t have to pay rent, especially if my parents or my siblings come over; I would have to kick him out, so it wouldn’t be living together. It's pretty rare for them to visit, and if they do, it's once or twice a year, but I would feel bad making him homeless when my parents come over.
They don’t care if he spends the whole day with me; it is the sleeping and living together part that they don’t approve of, especially since my parents have this fear that if we give someone spouse benefits before marriage, they would never want to commit since there is no point to it and that you shouldn’t live together unless you are married, which I somewhat agree with, I guess?
Like, next month I’m going to a wedding and invited my boyfriend as my plus one. Since the wedding is happening out of town, I needed to spend the night, and my boyfriend couldn’t afford half of the hotel, so my mom asked him if she paid for the hotel, could he go with me? He agreed, and my mom ended up renting an $800 dollar hotel room with two queen beds, which could have been only $350 if it would have been a single bed. We are not even going to sleep in different beds, and they also know we have sex. Like, my mom paid for my IUD and makes jokes from time to time; my dad is the one that prefers not to comment on it.
The thing is that I have grown really nervous. Would it be really such a bad idea to let him sleep over? Could it bring issues to our relationship? Should I charge him for rent or would it be a bad idea? Could spending the nights at my place change our current routine, where he spends his weekends with me, and now we spend less time together when he stays? Should I take it back? Please, any advice or suggestions are welcome.
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