Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We met when we were 16 and we’re both 20 now. It started online, and now we’re in a medium-distance relationship (about 2 hours by car/train).
He has helped me through a lot of difficult moments, and I used to love him sincerely and deeply. Now I’m not so sure how I feel. He is a good person, has a nice sense of humour and cares about me, but I often feel annoyed by him. I try to hide it and act like everything is fine, but I honestly don’t really know what I feel about this relationship anymore.
I feel like we don’t have many topics to talk about and we don’t really share interests. On a daily basis we get along fine, we rarely argue, we cook together and spend time like that, but the feeling of irritation is still there.
The thing is, he may be neurodivergent (possibly on the autism spectrum, though not diagnosed). There are situations where I talk to him and he doesn’t seem to register it -like I’m talking to a wall. He’s also not very observant, so if something needs to be done around the house, he usually won’t notice unless I remind him. He’s quite clumsy too – often spilling or breaking things because he zones out and isn’t aware of his surroundings.
He also doesn’t remember many details I’ve told him about myself. Sometimes I feel like my online friend, who I’ve known for much less time and only play games with, knows more about me than my own boyfriend, and that really frustrates me. He has always been like this, but it used to bother me much less.
I know I’m still young, but after finishing my degree I would like to start thinking about having kids. I hate these thoughts, but I sometimes worry I wouldn’t be able to leave a child in his care and go to work or even just run errands, because of how unobservant and clumsy he can be. It makes me anxious about what parenting with him would look like, and I catch myself thinking he might be a bad father – which makes me feel guilty.
That said, he is extremely hardworking. He hasn’t finished school yet, so he studies full time and works almost full time at McDonald’s. His home situation is very difficult – his parents are abusive and don’t support him financially, so he basically has to work to afford school and living. He’s away from home from around 7:30am to 12:30am most days. This lifestyle clearly takes a toll on him – he’s constantly tired, often sick, and has no real routine.
His eating habits also frustrate me a lot. He hates vegetables and mostly eats junk food (mostly McDonald’s at work), though I understand he barely has time to eat properly. He has gained a lot of weight since starting this job. I’ve also gained weight, though I try to eat healthier when I can.
Our sex life is almost non-existent. I rarely feel in the mood, and when we do have sex it’s been quite boring and we have different preferences. I don’t think this is related to his weight – I’m not someone who stops loving a partner because of that.
When we meet, we usually just snack, watch Netflix, sometimes barbecue or go to the cinema. If I try to suggest a cheap weekend trip somewhere, like the mountains, he usually starts complaining and we end up not going anywhere.
Last summer we worked together at McDonald’s and it was a really bad period for both of us. We barely did anything, I gained weight, and his family situation made things even worse.
I’ve already talked to him about breaking up and that I feel we might be incompatible. We went through everything, and I can see he is trying to improve [planning a bit more activities when we meet, remebering more about my daily life], but my feelings haven’t really changed. I feel sad about it because it seems like my brain can’t appreciate what he does for me.
He doesn’t really have many friends, and his family situation frustrates him a lot. I’m pretty much his only daily support, and I would be heartbroken to leave him knowing he has almost no one to talk to about this.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on whether this can be fixed or how to approach it would be really appreciated. I don’t want to give up on this relationship and i would prefer to try other options first.
**TL;DR;** :
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, but lately I feel emotionally disconnected and often annoyed, even though he is a good and hardworking person. He has a very difficult life and I’m his main support, which makes me feel guilty about possibly leaving him. I’m unsure whether our relationship is still compatible, and I don’t know what to do next.