I’m a 34F and my husband is 36M. We have been together for 6 years and have a baby. A few weeks ago he decided to leave the house for a month to “think” and is staying with his parents. He told me that right now he doesn’t want to be with me and that at the end of the month he’ll decide what he wants. I even asked him if he would choose me or the idea of someone new, and he said right now he would choose something new. We’ve always been brutally honest with each other.
He says his feelings changed because I treated him badly, argued a lot, and there wasn’t much intimacy anymore. I’ll admit I became angry and yelled too much. I was emotionally exhausted and should have handled things better.
From my side, I felt overwhelmed because I carried most of the mental load at home. He would usually come home from work and nap while I cooked and handled things with our child. On weekends I was up early with the baby while he slept in. I started feeling less feminine and more like I had to be “the man of the house,” handling everything emotionally and mentally.
Now I’m stuck between guilt and resentment. Part of me knows I contributed to the relationship problems, but another part feels hurt because I don’t think he recognizes his own role either.
Deep down I know I’ll probably be okay without him, but my self-esteem is so low right now that I genuinely feel like I’ll never find someone better. Has anyone else gone through something similar and come out okay on the other side
TL;DR: My husband left for a month saying his feelings changed because of constant arguments and lack of intimacy. I admit I became angry and emotionally exhausted, but I also felt overwhelmed carrying most of the responsibilities at home and with our child. Now I’m stuck between guilt, resentment, and very low self-esteem while he decides if he wants the marriage or not.
27 comments
I cant imagine how hard this is to navigate. My partner and i are planning to take some space to figure things out also. I feel like my world is falling apart. I have been working on changing my perspective. Him taking this space is also beneficial for you. Now you can take true time to figure out if this is really what YOU want as well and you can reclaim the power you gave him and put it towards your self esteem and think more about what a potential new future can look like for yourself. Change is an amazing yet uncomfortable thing but it’s always rewarding. I wish you the best and happy healing.
Use this time to consider whether *you* want this marriage or not. You have seen the support or lacktherof from your husband after one child, would you really want to go through this again?
F HIM. You have a baby and that alone is a lot to juggle! Wah wah, he’s tired when he’s not even carrying as much of the load? You deserve better! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, he is clearly a turd.
Let’s be serious for a moment: do you actually want him back? A “man” who seemingly does nothing for the marriage, but walks out on his wife AND HIS BABY when things aren’t completely convenient for him?
Girl, file for divorce. And since he left the house, his claim to it is much weaker now.
Postpartum is one of the hardest parts a marriage can go through and it takes a joint effort to work through it. Being overwhelmed is never an excuse to leave your spouse with a young child handling everything alone. It is meant to be a team effort. A lot of my behavior was reactive was it helpful no but my husband stayed with me through my betrayal trauma and has been there to support me through my massive depressive episodes. It’s not about how much you argue or if you do or don’t at all. It’s about how you resolve it and continue to do better for one another and for your child. Personally he sounds like a child himself for abandoning you.
Wow…to prioritize his own feelings over the fundamental responsibilities at home and just fuck off for a month really makes it clear…I’m so sorry
Girl, why are you accepting this treatment? You are already a single parent, start making some plans. Why are you waiting around to see if he will choose you? You already know – he hasn’t chosen you and it will be impossible to move past this if he does return. Initiate divorce. You’ll get some time off parenting if he gets split custody. If you get full custody (since it sounds like this man doesn’t want to have anything to do with his baby) he will have to give you money so you can hire help. Good luck.
He is treating you like a coat in the closet. There if he decides he wants it.
You cannot count on him. That is no husband. He is selfish and will do what he wants when her wants.
How is this about you not being good enough?
He went home to mommy. You are the only adult in the game. I am sorry he is weak but you? You do not need the burden of an adult child.
Get out of the closet, be proud of all you can do. He can stay with mommy and pay child support.
When my ex husband did this to me, he was out with other women. One he was planning a future with, and others just for sexual desires. He came back when the woman he was planning with decided to go back to her BD. I never thought he would do such a thing, but it turned out to not be the first time he had plans with this woman during our marriage. Just something to think about. Might not be your case, and I’m not trying to get you to overthink. But make sure you know what you’re dealing with. If I had known from the first time, I would’ve let him go play house and gotten a divorce.
You are going through one of the hardest times in your life without help. You have been navigating a baby and postpartum depression alone. You are so strong to be able to do that! It’s scary leaving the known and forging a new path for yourself, but it sounds like you have been doing this already and recognize that he is a loser and that you deserve better. After you have time to process and heal and find yourself again, you will move on and eventually find someone who is worthy of you and your child. You will look back (like many women have before you) and feel grateful that you shed his dead weight. You are going to be ok OP!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is weak and a coward. Marriage means you come together during good and hard times and work together as a team to resolve issues. It seems he wants you to hold it all together by yourself while he runs off to his mommy’s for a nap and a cuddle. Will you ever be able to respect him and depend on him again? Don’t let him make this decision for you. You’ve already been doing it all so you know you’re capable. If you let him come home you’re going to be responsible for two babies.
Why on Gods green earth would it be Your fault?!
Marriage is between Two adults. If he’s not pulling his weight and has to run away because he’s not the focus of all of your attention anymore, Confront him! Either way he’s financially liable to support his household and girl? you have got to toughen up.
Girl this might be the best thing that happened to you! Honestly this guy doesn’t seem like he’s worth a shit! You have no idea how much happier you’re going to feel. He has no right to make you feel guilty especially if he has no part in the family. Taking a nap while you cook seriously? Get rid of this boy!
Of course people have gone through this and come out okay on the other side. You are going to be okay, too.
Of course you feel like you won’t find someone else when your self esteem is this low. Having low self esteem means feeling that way. Feelings are not facts.
Do you feel like everything is your fault because you are the only one who does anything?
If you would be okay without him, and he does this to you instead of stepping up, then why wait for him to give you permission to keep doing everything on your own?
Fuck this guy, especially for tricking you into thinking you’re to blame
Taking care of a baby is HARD. It’s totally usual to have some emotional meltdowns. I did that with my husband too when our first baby was an infant. I was sleep deprived, hormonal, and trying to adjust to being a new parent. But my husband stuck around!! We found a routine that worked. I feel bad for you because this is a time when you need a ton of support. 🙁
Not to excuse his sleeping every afternoon behavior, but now I can’t help but wonder if that signals some health problem(?) like, even at his mom’s house, hmm.
op wtf
imagine if you left for a month to think and decide…
does he even visits his child?
serve him w divorce papers while hes away and live a happy peaceful life caring for just one child. never stay in a horrible relationship because there’s a kid involved. trust me, all I saw was my mom suffering for ‘our sake’ 0/10 do not recommend that
eta: have you checked yourself for Postpartum depression? please do
He’s doing this to make you feel bad. He is actively manipulating you and trying to scare you. Don’t do his work for him and torture yourself. You have legitimate grievances and if he’s not willing to work with you to create a life that works for both of you, the rest of your life will be a hellscape of tiptoing around, always trying to please, and being scared of him leaving anyway. If you play this smart, you can have a life that is free from this manipulative bullshit and probably get child support and alimony while you rebuild.
You are not a failure if your marriage isn’t working. You are worthy of a situation that prioritizes you, even if you’re the only one. Focus 100 on you and baby. Post partum depression is no joke.
the f*cker take an out ticket to his parents while you’re managing a baby ? oh and you’re not sexually active after having his baby ?? oh and you’re also tired from having his baby?
He just show you that he can’t be bothered with real life stuff, he just wants the good part and that’s it… why would you stay with him ?
So you birthed a baby and have been physically and emotionally adapting experiencing post-partum and taking on the entire load of child care… and he’s annoyed that you’re not putting his needs first anymore when he apparently doesnt give you support?
Girl. No one needs an anchor like that dragging you down. No one wants to be a mom to their husband. He apparently hasnt learned that yet.
OP it seems like your marriage was with a terrible human. I’d recommend that you take the time to spend it to understand if you are truly happy.
He’s not a good person or a good husband. I understand that it’s hard but honestly he sounds like the most selfish person ever.
Nothing is your fault. Stay strong and leave him.
Who takes care of the baby while he’s finding himself at his parents? The custody should be 50-50. I wonder if he’ll change his tune once he has the full responsibility of childcare on his days?
Edit to add: I know it is easier said than done, but try not to be sad and be mad instead. This guy has left you with all the responsibility of y’all’s child and the household, all while you’re still recovering and your hormones are all over the place. You said in another comment how you’d be better without him. You should try to focus on that, go to therapy, set a custody agreement so he takes the baby part of the time since they’re his responsibility as well. If he wants to do things alone, he can start learning how it’d be. Honestly, I don’t think you should take him back, at least not for a while so he learns that it isn’t as easy as he thinks. He wants to act single. His parents shouldn’t be supporting that BS, btw. You should go to therapy and start taking care of yourself. Sorry for the rant and good luck!
Do you have family you can go to? Might be a good time to pack up yiu, baby ,pets, and important papers and go live with them. You have time to think if your want to stay with him.
Any man who abandons his wife and baby while wife is post partum, is well… Not a good man. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Just make sure to keep being an amazing mom, no matter what happens with the “man”. ❤️
Don’t wait for him to decide. YOU decide what is best for you and the baby. From what I’ve read you both might be depressed, neither able to be strong for the other. Sometimes it’s best to separate and work on yourselves.
Was he contributing in other ways? Financially?