TL;DR: My ex-fiancée 30F and I 28M had a very intense long-distance relationship with repeated fights about family pressure, money, careers, and expectations. I felt I was expected to be the main provider while also adjusting my life around her career, even though she would keep her income mostly separate. I still tried hard: frequent visits, daily calls, flowers, food, trips, and support during crises. In January, while I had 8+ interviews, work, and my master’s, she ended the engagement after I said I couldn’t properly host her for a one-day visit. The next day she had a short hospital visit and later said I abandoned her because I didn’t get on a train. I was emotionally drained, became cold, and stopped responding after telling her to go back to the hospital/call an ambulance when she said life-threatening things. Months later, I still feel guilty and don’t know if I abandoned her or simply reached my limit.
I’m 28M and my ex-fiancée is 30F. We met around May through padel/dating, talked for about two months, and then got into a relationship. We are both in Germany but lived in different cities, around 5 hours apart by train.
At the beginning, I was usually the one reaching out more. She had been hurt in past relationships and was guarded. Soon after we started getting close, her brother became critically ill in the US. She travelled there for about a month, and I tried to support her as much as possible through video calls while she was dealing with huge family stress.
After she came back, we started talking seriously about life and marriage. She is a doctor and wants to specialize as a pediatric surgeon in Germany, so her career path is not flexible everywhere. I work in computer science, was working from home, doing a master’s degree, and also trying to find better job opportunities.
We loved each other, but the relationship had many intense fights. She wanted her family involved early. In October, she said she had only one vacation left and that my family and I had to travel to meet her family and get engaged, otherwise we should end things. I felt pressured, but I went through with it and paid a lot for the trip.
During the engagement visit, there were major fights about traditional marriage expectations. Her family initially asked for a very high traditional marriage gift/mahr: 150 grams of gold before marriage and another 150 grams if we divorced. At the same time, the expectation was that I would be the main provider during marriage, even though she would also work. After hours of discussion, we agreed on €10,000 before marriage and €10,000 in case of divorce.
After that, we kept having arguments about money, career, and location. I felt she expected me to be the traditional breadwinner while also adjusting my career around wherever she could find her specialization. When I asked how we would split finances, she said she would help “if she saw the house needed support,” which made me feel like my income was expected by default but hers was optional.
At the same time, I was trying hard to show love. I visited her city after the engagement because she felt we had not had enough time together. Two weeks later, she missed me and asked me to visit, so I did. A week later, she had a conference in another city and I went too, even though I was already stressed. We had daily video calls, I sent flowers every couple of weeks, and sometimes sent food when she was tired.
Near New Year, she wanted a trip because she had some shifts off. I was stressed because I had many interviews coming up, but I booked it anyway. One interview time changed and I almost cancelled, but she was very sad, so I decided to go and study early mornings so we could still spend time together.
On the way back, I told her January would be extremely intense for me because I had more than 8 interviews planned, plus work and my master’s. Not long after, we fought again because she felt I was not doing enough. To avoid hurting her, I took a train to see her for one day. Because of delays, I ended up commuting almost 13 hours total, and I told her this was not sustainable every week.
Then she wanted to come visit me the following Saturday. I told her I had two interviews and would be too occupied to properly spend time with her, especially since she would only come for one day. This caused a huge fight. She shouted and ended the relationship/engagement.
The next day, she told me she had gone to the hospital. To clarify, she was there for a few hours and was discharged the same day. She started calling and texting me, but honestly, I was drained and hurt because she had just ended everything, so I did not answer at first.
She then called my mother, who told her I was fine and had spoken to me that morning. After that, my fiancée accused me of not caring about her and said she would have gotten on a train to check on me even if she had been in the hospital.
I eventually started texting back and tried to calm things down. She said if I cared, I would visit her. I said I would try to come, but then she said it would not make a difference and she did not care. That made me snap emotionally. I felt like no matter what I did, I would be wrong.
At that point, I became cold over text. She refused to pick up the phone and sent many messages accusing me of not caring, always being busy, and being at fault. She also cursed at me and said hurtful things.
Later, when she started saying things that sounded life-threatening, I told her to go back to the hospital or call an ambulance. Then I stopped responding.
After that, her father messaged me calling me a horrible fiancé and saying everything was off. I was hurt and sent him a long message saying I felt he judged me unfairly without hearing my side, and that she had also insulted me and said very hurtful things. He replied that I was a bad person and told me not to contact any of them again.
Now, months later, I still feel guilty. Part of me thinks I abandoned her when she needed me. Another part of me feels like I had already reached my limit after months of pressure, travelling, fights, work, studies, and interviews.
I know I became cold at the end, and I regret that. I also know maybe I should have handled the life-threatening messages differently, like contacting someone near her instead of just telling her to go back to the hospital or call an ambulance.
I feel guilt for not getting on the train to visit her during that crisis, after she had already broken off the engagement, because I had important interviews and felt emotionally exhausted.