I’m a woman in my early 30s and not actively dating right now. I have very interactive hobbies that make me meet new people constantly, be social, and I’m actively putting myself out there to make friendships and connections. My focus isn’t romance as I’m currently taking a break from dating and focusing on my life, but as much fun as I’m having, when it’s time to go back home I feel this emptiness and a sense of grief in my chest.
For a long while I really tried to find a partner but it was not very rewarding, so I gave up. I’ve been constantly working on my mental health, self-awareness, communication skills, personal education, hobbies, friendships, being a better person than I was yesterday, and I am conventionally attractive and get a lot of attention in person, which all feel fruitless since sex, casual relationships, and instant gratification is always at the forefront of most people’s minds these days.
As tired and hopeless as I’ve been feeling these days about finding a partner and genuine love, I still mourn and can’t help this feeling of loneliness I get whenever it’s time to go home. I often find myself wishing to be held, flirt, talk, spill secrets, and share whatever romantic nonsense with that one person who is my partner and not fear falling in love and trusting someone to catch me as I’m falling. I might be romanticizing relationships too much, idk. But I do wish I could go through life being someone’s priority and have their undivided support when I need it…
Does anyone else ever feel that way? Having a full and active life, but also mourning that connection, yet not feeling safe to pursue it anymore? How do you deal with that feeling when it pops up?
17 comments
I’ve always felt that way. Romantic relationships are so much deeper and vulnerable than friendships. Plus there’s the physical side of things like cuddling and hugging. The embrace of someone you love and are attracted to hits so much harder than a friend.
Having a relationship is sooo amazing, until it’s not.
I’m not quite in my 30’s yet but I totally get the loneliness part of it all. I feel ppl have become less inclined to forge strong bonds before getting undressed and or lack of commiting since there’s this illusion of choice everywhere due to OLD apps.
It shows you got a good heart in a cruel world, as do I. You’re not alone in the feeling. What I found works for me is being grateful for some things that you may take for granted and positive scripting. As for romanticising relationships…its natural to do so if you’ve not been in one in ages. They’re nice to have when they go well but no relationship is 100% perfect and I bet you know that. You got this, ok?
You’re doing everything to improve yourself and who knows someone may well fall onto your lap one day😅
>but as much fun as I’m having, when it’s time to go back home I feel this emptiness and a sense of grief in my chest.
it can suck going back to an empty home; no one to welcome you back with a warm, long hug, and lingering kiss. from having dinner, to watching tv, and going to bed, etc. all alone. Granted, being alone =/= loneliness, but you are definitely feeling the latter. not yet having find that one person to share your world with and vice versa. as much as you have an active life-youre still not living all that life offers.
Until you find your person, what you can do is make your home as warm, cozy, and inviting to your standards. invite friends and fam over, fill it with sound, music, and laugther. you’ve made alot of progress making life outside your home fulfilled, but should also fill up your home too
I deal with this regularly, but my life is a bit different than most. I doubt I’ll find someone who will understand, let alone, be flexible with my schedule.
How do I deal with it? I remember how who I am, where I am in my life, and lock into what I need to focus on. I sleep it off and the day erases all of those feelings. But when I’m drained, not every night, it does wander into my mind and I tell myself “now isn’t the time.” Because… i’m complicated as it is.
To me this looks like one of those “made up by the magazine itself” reader questions. It could still be of interest to discuss of course, don’t get me wrong, but isn’t there something robotic about the whole tone, considering this writer is not 78 yo?
Honestly? I love being by myself. It’s truly the most peace I’ve felt in a long time. I give too much of myself in relationships, and it exhausts me.
But I’ve figured out, I’m an introvert and a loner, that’s just who I am.
Perhaps you’re just the type to love people, love company. You thrive when with other people.
We are all wired for pair bonding. It’s natural to feel that way.
It sounds like you feel this way because you haven’t found a guy that you truly click with. There’s nothing wrong with that. Keep on trucking, and he will find you.
What do you mean by safety?
I relate 100%. I have always been one to prioritize love and relationships. I’ve daydreamed about being in love since I was a kid. I’m happiest when I have someone, even if I have a very fulfilling life. I have family a few hours away, local friends, a house, a career, and too many hobbies and not enough time…. Yet something is always missing when I’m single. I crave intimacy. For the first time in my life, however, I’m trying to take a break from dating. I’m burnt out from all the men I’ve dated this year who left because they don’t want anything serious/need to be alone. I wish that could be me. I hate this constant desire for romance that I try to ignore. I’m trying to be grateful for all the time in the world to focus on myself and my goals, and to enjoy the peace and quiet that I always longed for in my last relationship, and to not have to deal with all the anxiety that comes up with dating for me. Every time I start to have thoughts of loneliness and dating, I try to immediately redirect my thoughts to my goals. I’m making effort to get out and go on fun adventures as much as possible because physical endeavors/adventures fills my cup more than anything and serves as a helpful distraction to my aloneness. It’s kind of working.
I’m in a comically similar boat. (M) so somewhat different perspective, but it’s really the same story spelled differently so to speak. Like everyone else I’ve had some really wonderful relationships and some really bad ones. Finally said fuck it I want to put my energy elsewhere creativity, adventures, self discovery and whatnot. All I’ve ever heard from people, media, etc. is to be yourself and be true and naturally you’ll find someone that fits your mold perfectly and no one needs to change themselves for anyone or hide pieces of themselves from one another. Well my viewpoint on that was never really optimistic to begin with, so day by day I feel like the likeliness of that shrinks. I wanted the classic high school sweetheart, the person you grew up with and hung out with, going through so many different stages of life together. and one day woke up and they looked different and you knew why, but you were afraid to admit you loved them but you couldn’t fight against it. Obviously I’m a bit past that now.
But hey! If it helps bring some hope: there are a few very close friends of mine quite a bit older than I. All of them have gone through bad situations (late 30- almost 50) and have found strong love after the bad situations. Some even (re)marrying and seem blissful. And seeing that happen to my friends is keeping my head up.
I think we are in a very similar position. I love my alone time and have a life i am happy existing in alone. It’s just nice to have someone to do life with. Someone we can be very close to, play with, get shitty about the day with and enjoy good and bad times together. I think it’s also really difficult to find that someone when you put a lot of effort into leading a wholesome life. Like the pool of fish gets smaller as we grow wiser. Many are not living life on that wavelength. And those who are, also have to be attractive to you or have similar direction/needs/wants in life.
It’s just hard. That’s for sure.
You wish not to fear falling in love. So when you were in a relationship with someone you feared that you could fall in love? That it is not the right one?
Some people who are anxious or avoidant or both at the same time have this feeling stronger then others, to chase that perfect partner. I wonder if love is about commitment then attraction, attraction can work in many ways, someone might be atracted becouse someone is pretty and independent and calm but then he can also be manipulative and so it won’t work even if he is so pretty and someone is perhaps not atractive but is loving, calm and independent but is avoidant but through commitment you create safety and can grow your own way of love trough being there for each other creating safe space to that person because he fears abondonment and intimacy, but it is a long walk and most people don’t have will for it or are not so masochistic.
Sure, I have been groomed by society to believe that my life is less rich without a heterosexual life partner. I think we do ourselves a disservice by buying into this idea that we are all owed some sort of deep committed lifelong monogamous sexual relationship. I can create romance without a boyfriend. I am safe in my community without a man by my side. Dating is a journey and a fun one, at that. Be careful with the frequency you transmit because it will be reflected back to you.
Similar, but I don’t have a big friend group nor a very social lifestyle so it compounds that lonely feeling. My battle is between my introvert side and feeling loneliness because of it.
I’ve just gotten far too comfortable being single. I hit the gym, got in the best shape of my life and still had no desire to date until very recently.
I feel ready, I plan on actively meeting people this summer/year/however long it takes or until I just get comfy single again and give up. Lol
Your feelings are super normal. You’re gonna have to let yourself be a lil vulnerable and get out there to date again tho. I promise there’s plenty of good men still out there.
Well im in my 20s we can talk if u like?