I married my soulmate, the love of my life and the light of my eyes 3,5 years ago. Unfortunately, he died shortly after our wedding due to an illness, in my arms and while holding his parents' hands. Suffice to say this was traumatic for everyone involved, everyone in his family tattooed his name on their wrist (I have a marriage tattoo, so not a name but a date tied to him, which is why I didn't do it), and the whole after-death, mourning, etc. period we bonded very deeply over his memory.
For context (this is relevant), I am from country A. My late husband was from country B. I lived with him in country C, and since then I've moved and now live in country D.
As my husband was dying, we both moved from C to B, so that burial and everything else would be easier. I then stayed with my inlaws for a while, moved back to C, sold the apartment I owned there shortly after and moved to D. I am thus now stranded, in a way, between my family (all in A) and my in laws family (all in B ). I travel ~2 times a year to spend time with inlaws in B, maybe once a year to spend time with my own fam in A, and maybe once a year my entire blood family comes to D to spend time with me. It's an expensive and exhausting arrangement but it works in maintaining both bonds. It also means that when I am in B, I am now for all intents and purposes treated by inlaws, and the entire rest of my late husband's family, like I am their child: I live with them, travel with them around the country, eat with them, play video games together with my "siblings" in law, I am on the walls of their house in holiday photos and spend time with my late husband's cousins and now, these are basically my family too, my mom dad grandparents cousins etc. They're just as mom and dad as my own mom and dad are.
And here comes the hard question: I'm in my late 20s. After my hubby died, I did date now and then, with eventually hoping for marriage and kids, but nothing seemed to work, fellow widows know what that's like. And then… I met this guy. And he has been, well, not like my late husband, but you know how sometimes you meet someone and they are YOUR person? And you just know? In a different way, this man is as much a soulmate now as my husband was. And he is very chill with me going to inlaws, mentioning a memory of something I did with my late husband on occasion, having a picture of him in my bedroom, etc. He is caring, loving, understanding and patient, everything a young widow could ask for… and things are moving fast.
Which is the problem.
Thus far, I never mentioned any relationships to my inlaws. They are aware, I am certain, that I do date, have sex, etc. but they don't ask, and I don't talk, about anything or anyone other than my late husband while in country B. I don't feel like that's respectful to change that, buuuuuut – well, I want to move in with this guy. And I want to stop saying I'm going on 'solo trips' when I'm actually going on trips with this guy. And I love him, a lot, and we are already talking marriage, and children.
And I have to tell them that this man now exists in my life, and here I am, in my inlaws' toilet, writing this out at 2am to ask Reddit for advice. With 2 days left before I go back to country D and don't come back here to B until… God knows. Maybe Christmas?
I have to tell them, and I want to do it in person while I am here, but I don't know how. I don't want it to seem ostentatious – there is pictures of me and late husband, together, hugging, on holidays, EVERYWHERE in the house, and announcing a new man in my life out of the blue might seem like I'm bragging or something. I'm not. I also don't want it to seem like I'm leaving them aside – I'm not. They are MY mom and dad in law, my gran gran and gram gram in law, my little brother and sister in law, and this will change nothing. Even after I get married. Even if I have children. They remain family to me and kin.
But how do I even start this conversation? Because they won't ask. And I don't know how to mention it, in a way that we never speak about it again, in a way that respects and shows that my late husband is STILL my soulmate, still the light of my eyes – he's just not the only one, anymore.
I'm scared out of my mind that this will make me lose them.
30 comments
You’re overthinking it because you care, but this isn’t betrayal, it’s life moving forward. Just tell them gently and honestly that you’ve met someone who makes you happy and you wanted them to know because they’re family, not because anything is being replaced. If they truly see you as their daughter, they’ll want you to be loved again, even if it’s emotional at first.
Write them a letter. Take your time over it. Say what you want to say and send it without regret.
How they take it and react is out of your control, but your life is within your control and you cannot spend it looking back.
Updateme
You need to be honest. If the love you as much as you believe they do, they’ll be happy. They’ll want you to continue to live. You can’t be a widow alone forever. Deep down they know that.
If you telling them that you’ve found love again has them discard you, then they never really loved you in the first place. If they truly care about you, then they’ll understand that it’s been a few years now and that, while you loved their son, you’ve been fortunate enough to find love again. So, ask your parents-in-law if you can sit down with them and talk to them privately. Reiterate that while you loved, and still probably love, their son, that you’ve met someone and it’s serious enough that you want them to know. Be clear that you don’t love them or your late husband any less and that you still consider them family; they may need some time to process but how they respond will tell you how they really think/feel about you. And if it turns out they only ‘loved’ you when you were a single, reminder of their son, then that’s not really love, is it?
Just gently tell them you are seeing someone and you see the potential for something serious here.
Maybe slow down a little with your guy. Please don’t rush into it, even though everything seems right at the moment. Give it at least a year before moving in together. I would say that in any 28 year old’s situation, and even my own! (Late 50s, widowed, trying to find the right time to tell my stepchildren the same thing!)
Your in laws may have bittersweet feelings, or they may not understand. If they don’t support you, leave the door open for communication, but live your life.
Your late husband won’t be any more or less gone if you move on and be happy.
Mom and Dad – you know how much I love you and the family but I have something to tell you and I am scared you won’t accept me anymore after I tell you. I don’t want to lose our family but I also want to include you in my life. I have started dating someone that seems more than casual. And I hope that doesn’t change anything with our love and relationship. (Do not say anything about moving in – and I would slow that roll a bit too). See how they react and you can take your cues from that.
I’m not much older than you, but I am a parent. If my son married a woman, and I loved her as much as your in laws love you, I’d want her to move on and find someone. I wouldn’t want, nor expect, you to remain single for the rest of your life. They love you, they want what’s best for you. Just tell the gently, they’ll understand.
I think you can do it with sensitivity but without acting like you think you’re doing something terrible. My advice is to bring it up as though everyone is reasonable and knows you will eventually find another partner and you expect them to be adults about that, but also you recognize it might bring up a lot of feelings for them. So I’m thinking something like, “I know you guys know that I’m not going to stay single for the rest of my life, but I wanted to ask how comfortable you will feel about me talking with you about dating new people.” Because probably they don’t want to hear about every first date, but they also probably don’t want to be surprised one day with wedding invites, and this is a good way to find out where they fall in that middle ground. Once you have an idea of what they would feel ok with, you can then use that to gauge whether it’s time to tell them about your new partner.
Updateme
I know that there are different cultural expectations in different countries, but in the US where I am, a widow as young as you would be expected even encouraged to remarry. I am happy that you have found love again.
you’re probably going to tell them about your new partner at some point, and it’s great that you’re thinking about how to do it in a way that respects their feelings. what’s really going to be tough for them to hear, is it the fact that you’re moving on, or the fact that you’re moving on with someone who isn’t a part of your late husband’s life or culture?
Have a conversation over coffee. Tell them you have been dating off and on. You never imagined you could find another special someone but your new man is pretty special.
My husband died unexpectedly at 35. His family also always accepted and loved me. I will be honest with you- the death of my husband changed our dynamic/closeness and when I started dating someone else our relationship felt a bit different. Not bad, just different. We are a bit more disconnected in some ways, but that has actually helped me to move on and forward.
When I was agonizing about telling them I met someone I thought about the worst- what if they screamed and cried and yelled and said I was dishonoring my husband? But they didn’t. They told me they supported me in finding happiness and wanted to meet him. We still go to some holidays with them because I still see them as family.
Ultimately, however this goes it is you moving forward. Good luck!
Op, as a widower myself, after a few years I started dating and I just informed them on a phone call that I have started dating again and by no way would this affect their grandsons relationship with them.
I would go out of my way to encourage him to communicate and visit as I pulled back from that relationship.
Just here to hope for a nice ending to this. Hoping that this bond you have with them keeps alive. It’s a story with pain, but one that felt worth it. I beleive that they will understand that you have your dreams to pursue. And i know that they know how much you love(d) their son. I like that you plan to do it in person. It shows that you want to be there for them, it shows how important it is for you. Tell them that, start with that. Make it clear, that you love them and want them to be in this life you’re building.
It might be hard for them to hear. But they will understand it eventually. They might even expect it.
“So I wanted to let you know that I’ve met a man worth mentioning because he is wonderful and I’m wondering if you’d like to meet him sometime?”
Tragic as it may be, I would never wish loneliness on my son in law or daughter in law. I would wish for the m a strong and loving relationship and even more so at such a young age as yours. I would pray for you to regard us as family and hope your new love would accept us as just someone else who loves the person he also loves regardless of the reason. I am pretty sure only as a husband who loves his wife that your husband would of also wished the same for you. Life goes on and on and on.
If anything, I am sure they will want to make sure you stay in their life. Once you are family, you remain family. Good luck and take care.
Move on!! They will want you to be happy
Updateme
“There is something I have been really nervous to talk to you about. I keep putting it off because I’m so worried but it isn’t fair to any of us.
Carl was such a big part of my life and after losing him, I really wasn’t sure what my future would look like. I didn’t know if I would find someone who understood what I had lost and was respectful of that, someone who understood and respected the relationship I have with you (inlaws). You are so important to me.
But i have. About x months ago I met a lovely man named Dave. He’s a good man, treats me well etc. And the relationship is getting quite serious.
I dont want to feel I need to hide part of my life from you, I just haven’t known how to discuss this with you.”
You don’t need to mention in this conversation that the 2 of you are thinking about moving in etc.
Then just see how they react and go from there.
I don’t really think your late husband, if he loved you (and I think he did) would want you to stay a widow forever.
If it was me I’d want for my partner to live their life the fullest, and of course that means finding someone else.
And his family also won’t begrudge you this. You deserve to love again, to marry, to build a family.
This doesn’t mean you stopped loving your ex-husband. This just means that love never subtracts, only grows. You loved your ex and you’ll love your future. One thing doesn’t cancel the other.
For as long as you live and remember your ex-husband he won’t really be dead, because he’ll live in your memories. That’s the best way to honor his life. But you don’t need to stop living because of it.
Please be happy.
I hear your fear and it is very understandable. What we all desire from those we love is to be accepted for who we are. Your late husband accepted the woman you must become after him. He was wise enough to have this conversation with you ahead of time to prepare your heart. So that is an amazing gift he gave you.
That being said his parents are an unknown. There are a few things they have going for them. They have already shown great love for you. They could have pushed you away as soon as their son was gone. Second their son got his wisdom and compassion from somewhere. While they may not be as directly and overtly open as he was, there is a good chance that they helped point him in that direction.
There really is no way to know how they will take it until you just do it. Here is the truth, they either are the amazing people that you think they are and will find joy with you in your happiness, or they are not who you had hoped they were all this time. My money is on acceptance and love, it’s just a guess but all the right clues are there to lead me in that direction.
Tell them not just about the guy but about the conversations you and your late husband had. Share that he knew this day would come and despite your own doubts, he was right. Tell them you hope to celebrate the joy of this with them as this only means your heart and ability to love are growing larger. Make it clear that your love isn’t exclusionary and how he has expressed excitement in meeting your second set of parents. True love grows and expands. Give them a chance to surprise you.
On the slight chance that it doesn’t go as planned, recognize that this isn’t your fault. They are either people that truly love you or they are not. If their love is conditional on this then it’s not really the love you thought it was to begin with. I hope it goes well.
If you lose them, you never really had them. A healthy family will want you to keep living and achieving your dreams. I see this as a really good test to see if you are a placeholder or a true member of their family.
Like someone else said, be gentle and own what you say. Reiterate what role they play in your life and reassure them. Maybe drip feed it your new relationship details (like leaving out moving in for now) to gauge their reactions. That’s all you can really do!
Oh wow what a niche situation and I’ve been here!!! Am sort of here currently. Husband died about 4 years ago, it was traumatic and sudden and it trauma bonded my in-laws and I (even though we weren’t close when my late husband was alive…). I live in a different state and started a whole new life, and yes ended up meeting my absolute soulmate.
Telling them was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Like you, I wanted it to be in person and I don’t see them a lot so “springing it” on them was my only option. Telling them at the end of the trip though would actually be perfect, let everyone go home and process without the pressure of reaching back out immediately.
That being said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with sending it in a letter or doing this over the phone. My in laws did not take it well (for a different flavor of reasons; they’re conservatives and I was also coming out to them as a lesbian), and in hindsight it wouldn’t have been a bad thing to not have to IMMEDIATELY hash that convo out right after the bomb is dropped. Like don’t get down on yourself if you can’t get yourself to say anything and you decide to bring it up after they’re gone. That’s ok too!!!
Everyone constantly told me that I didn’t “owe” my in laws the information about my dating life, but I feel like you understand the circumstances where after you’ve been through stuff like this there’s almost a layer of respect you want to offer these people. That’s how I felt at least. It wasn’t that I “cared” about their opinions or needed their approval, but I didn’t want to live like I was hiding from people who’d gone through something so traumatic and intimate.
This was just over a year ago for me. Things still aren’t right between me and my in laws and may never be. We all really tried (and are trying), but when I started publicly talking and posting about my new wife and our life and stuff it got really hard for them. Anything I do feels like some sort of diss to their dead brother, and I encourage them to keep distance if that feels better.
My brother passed some years ago and we continued to see his girlfriend as family because they had been together for 8 years and had a child together. She eventually moved on and got married and we do not view her any differently. She is still family.
If you were their blood daughter and son was in law. They would desire your happiness of that I am sure.
If this new man needs to treat you well and respect them as family.
Have him meet your father in law let them chat.
This is a parents worse nightmare alas they also must move forward.
I have a ten year old son. If he married, found love, and was brought happiness and then died in his wife’s arms, I would forever be grateful for the peace and love his wife brought him in both life and death. She would always be welcome, even if it was with another man – that man would just be another son in law to me. I’d give them a spare room for when they want to visit and bring them all over town eating at fancy restaurants and seeing the sights. And when they have kids? Hell those are my grandkids in my eyes, even if they weren’t my son’s.
I have two stepkids I love fiercely. I am in a polyamorous relationship with a married woman, so they already have active parents and I kind of take on the role of “uncle boyfriend” in their lives, but I’m always around and they love me and have known me much or most of their lives. Both autistic, hate person-on-person contact, and often give me big hugs anyway. What’s so different about them having kids even if my son has none? I’d love them just as much and would (hopefully) always be around.
And if something were to happen to my partner, she would want me to find love again because she knows I’m a hot mess without anyone around. Her parents suck so no loss there, but her kids would stay in touch with me and we would likely grab lunch or dinner here and there in that case. If I found someone else? Nobody would hold it against me and I truly believe they would be happy for me. I’d just wear the wedding ring my partner gave me (off the books, polygamy is understandably illegal) on a necklace and never take it off.
It’ll be difficult to navigate and it’ll be really awkward at first, but I seriously doubt your in laws would want you to be alone forever. Just let them know that they’ll always be family and that you’re not going anywhere as long as they still want you around. If they truly love you, they’ll be happy for you, and they’ll love your kids like their own. If they’re anything like my family, they’ll want you in their life.
The truth is that this will change your relationship with them and that’s okay. They wonton be angry I’m sure but it will probably make you and them drift apart somewhat and become friendly acquaintances with a very sad connection. This is reality and another adjustment in the long line of changes that come with a devastating loss