Hi, I need some advice. I’m 22M and have been in a relationship for about 2 years. My girlfriend is also 22 and we’re in the same undergrad course.

Overall things are good—she’s caring, loyal, and we’re serious—but there’s one recurring issue that’s been bothering me a lot. During arguments, she says very hurtful and disrespectful things. I’ve communicated multiple times that this crosses a boundary for me and affects me deeply, but it keeps happening.

What makes it harder is that after the fight, she doesn’t take accountability or acknowledge what she said. Instead, she says she was angry and that my actions caused her behavior.

This pattern has been going on for a long time and hasn’t changed despite multiple discussions. It’s been building up and has left me feeling frustrated and emotionally drained.

Recently, we had some serious fights and haven’t been in contact for the past two weeks.

How do I handle a partner who repeatedly says hurtful things during arguments but doesn’t take accountability afterward, even after it’s been communicated as a boundary?

TL;DR: In a 2-year relationship where my girlfriend repeatedly says hurtful things during fights and doesn’t take accountability despite multiple discussions. How do I handle this pattern?


4 comments

  1. Sounds like a perfect opportunity to let the relationship run its course. She is mean spirited and you have not been in contact for two weeks. Why not treat it as a break up?

  2. two weeks no contact after 2 years is pretty telling already. if she can’t take accountability for crossing boundaries you’ve clearly set, that’s not gonna magically fix itself with more time

    the “you made me do it” excuse gets old real fast when you’re trying to build something serious together

  3. > How do I handle a partner who repeatedly says hurtful things during arguments but doesn’t take accountability afterward, even after it’s been communicated as a boundary?

    You don’t. 

    You leave. 

    Don’t tolerate a partner who treats you badly. 

  4. What’s the boundary that it crosses? A boundary isn’t something that you don’t like. A boundary is “I will not allow someone to be mean and aggressive towards me repeatedly , and I will exit the relationship if that happens”.

    Let it go now. She’s shown you exactly who she is. She understands perfectly that her words hurt you, she just doesn’t care.

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