Me 20 F, my ex-boyfriend 19 M have been or were dating for five months now and it was great for the first four. We’re long distance but not far enough to where we can’t see each other on most weekends. He’s in college and I have a full time job for more background info. So we got into a big argument and he broke up with me at the sort of start of April. But then the next morning we called crying saying we didn’t wanna break up and I drove up there for the night. Then a week passed and he’s supposed to come up for this weekend then but he has a block party at another college he wanted to go to so he skipped again.
Then he broke up with me again and then we got back together. Then last night he broke up with me again because apparently he’s failing this semester because I’ve been distancing him. But during my lunch at work I’ll call him to wake him up and tell him to have a good day at class and he tells me that he has A’s and B’s. How can him failing be my fault if I don’t even know he needs more time and it’s an issue? But then we had a talk this morning. I thought the last time was actually the last time so I told my family, so then I had to tell my sister in law, 23 F, we were together again because he was going to come to our home for the weekend. This time we were on the phone and he asked if my sister in law, 23 F, and my brother, 24 M, who was visiting her for the weekend (weird living situation but it works rn lol) were going to be mean mugging him. I said not my sister in law but yeah my brother but what can you expect? He then went on mute and I said baby what don’t do this. He hung up and blocked me on everything but messages. So I texted him a lot to text me, nothing mean I promise. I didn’t mean for my comment to sound rude if it came off that way to him. But what do you expect? My big brother isn’t going to be the happiest with the person who broke up and got back together the next day with me. Doesn’t that just make sense? I’d feel the same way for him or my younger siblings.
Now the reason it’s hard for me to leave him is because he’s my first everything besides kiss. He was the first guy I felt safe with and could trust. He’s my first love. Every time we get back together he says he can’t imagine a future without me but then he keeps doing this. He says in previous breakups that maybe we’ll find each other in the future but I don’t want to be alone right now. But I also don’t want anyone else. He’s a great guy and is going to try to be in trades since college isn’t working out and he’s pretty handy. I know this isn’t good for me but I can’t help but want him back. I’ve never loved anyone like this or felt like this about anyone before him.
I do have a somewhat good support system if we break up fully this time. I have my sister in law but we’re not that close, yeah she’s here but it’s not the same. We just work nearby each other and I had to move almost an hour from my hometown where my family and friends are all at. Now with gas prices my friends and I can’t afford to drive out to see me a lot and my family is busy. So I am mostly on my own besides the occasional call. But soon I am going to be living in my own in the summer. It’s going to be hard and I’m going to have less money than I even do now. I just want my boyfriend to be there with me. I feel like I shouldn’t get back together with him for my own self respect but I feel like if he asks me again I’ll just want to be with him again and I’ll say yes. I love him too much to say no. I really don’t think I could find a better guy right now.
Any advice is very much appreciated because I really feel lost right now. Thank you so much for reading all of that I know it’s a lot.