If I suspect my flatmate has a severe eating disorder, should I try to offer help?

34 comments

1. I seriously doubt you are equipped for this one, so you can ask if they are okay and see if they take the chance to open up otherwise I suspect getting into your observations around their food wouldn’t go well at all. Might be better to see if there’s a family member that you can contact.

2. Eating disorders have some of the highest mortality rates of any mental health disorders. Absolutely try and seek help for her – you aren’t equipped to do so yourself.

3. I would handle this very carefully. You’re right to be worried though.

4. Beat eating disorders is the UKs eating disorder charity. They have a lot of resources, including info on helping other people. This is a really hard thing to navigate, for all involved, so I would get expert opinion.

   https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/

5. I was 25 stone. My flat mate who was a very good person mentioned he noticed I ate a lot, ordered lots of takeaways. He gave me some good advice which really helped the journey of my weight loss. It seems like you are a very good person with concern for her. It;s a tough situation for you to be in. Maybe try and mention it without being too direct. Maybe she needs professional help? Its tough. I hope you get some proper advice to help her.

6. Thing is, there’ll be a reason behind her eating disorder – that’s the part that needs to be tactfully and delicately approached, not the symptom which is the disorder. But there’s no way of knowing what that is without her telling you. Are you very close? This section is about helping a friend: [https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/worried-about-a-friend-or-family-member/](https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/worried-about-a-friend-or-family-member/)

7. My initial thoughts are you need to build a relationship with her first before expecting to address this with any chance of success. Invite her out with you to a film etc and go from there. Ideally one on one. If she’s locked in her room all day there might be social anxiety. Do you know anything about her hobbies/interests? I imagine she’s either watching shows or reading a lot

8. Need to be careful with this one. If I were you, I’d start chatting to her and deepen the friendship, if you can. Maybe it might encourage her to open up, or to know that she has someone in the house that perhaps she can talk to. (You don’t say whether you know her well).

   Beat has some good resources to read, but eating disorders are very difficult to navigate and so I wouldn’t just openly raise it with her. Nothing wrong with asking if she’s ok though. If she does open up at all, encouraging her to reach out to her GP, or even look the online resources on Beat herself, might be something to try.

   You can’t fix this yourself though. This needs a professional.

9. So, I’ve struggled with eating disorders on and off since I was a teenager. This is a delicate subject and I really don’t envy your position here.

   You’re right to be worried. Eating disorders are very dangerous, and even without the very real risk of death, long-term damage begins earlier than you’d like to think. Starvation fucks a body up permanently. I’ll never be able to eat normally again.

   Having said that, the nature of eating disorders makes it difficult to address them. When I was in university, my housemates noticed I was barely eating. They came to my room to talk to me about it. They were respectful and kind and concerned, but it had two very negative effects on me. The first was that I felt as though my eating habits were being watched and judged (which they kind of were). This made me want to eat less, as I felt self-conscious about my eating and knowing my housemates were aware/talking about it made this paranoia and shame worse. The second was that their concern over my skinniness validated me, felt good, and encouraged me to keep going. I liked how worried they were because that meant I really didn’t look fat. I ended up eating less overall after this well-meaning interaction.

   Like all mental health conditions, a person can only be helped when they want/accept it. This is a slow process. With eating disorders specifically, there’s usually an underlying cause and it’s very often trauma-related (though not always). I think if there’s any chance of you helping out here, the long game is a better option. Befriending her might allow you to get to know about some of these underlying concerns and help her address them, and from there she may start wanting help of her own choice. But eating disorder recovery is difficult, and past a certain point needs medical intervention/supervision. There are serious dangers such as refeeding syndrome, which has a roughly 80% fatality rate if unrecognised and untreated. Refeeding syndrome can be triggered by returning to normal calorie intake after as little as a few weeks of 500 calories or less a day.

   Of course, if you ever feel as though her life is in danger (she collapses, has chest pains, seizures, etc) then 999 is obviously the way to go.

10. Ask if she wants to have dinner with you. Tell her you’ve bought too much stuff. Invite you other mate. She may struggling with money or just doesn’t know how to look after self practically. I lived with a girl who ate nothing but beans on toast for a year. She collapsed eventually! Rushed into hospital and it literally was just trapped wind ffs. She was mortified. I don’t know if she ever ate beans again.

11. as someone recovering from an eating disorder that got worse at uni (had to drop out twice 🫠) i would check in. don’t talk about their body as that can drive the ed on, just tell them thy you’re worried about them and that they can confide in you. it might be worth finding out what eating disorder services are near you. you can’t force them to recovery, it has to be something they want to do, but honestly telling them that you notice their behaviours can sometimes be a quite a wake up call

    also idk how close you are but you can offer to eat meals together or to spend time together after meals to help distract from the guilt of eating?

    best of luck🤍

12. Just a different perspective, maybe she can’t actually afford to eat? Does she work? Pay rent on time? Maybe she’s struggling financially?

    Maybe you could make a big pot of chilli or bolognaise and ask her to join you for dinner or tell her she can help herself as you made plenty.

13. You mention uni, do you attend the same university? I agree with others you may not be equipped for this but you could maybe speak to student support. They should be able to support your housemate and can do so without saying who raised the concern.

14. Have you tried asking if she wants to join you/flatmates for a meal? Or even just to watch a movie (with popcorn/snacks) one night?

    Also worth considering:

    * Does she know how to cook/prepare meals?
    * Does she have the money to buy food?
    * Is she genuinely agoraphobic? Or even just neurodiverse? There are many other conditions besides eating disorders that could prompt unhealthy eating habits

    Might be worth trying to get to know her before you ambush her with a medical assessment, you’re posting on here so you obviously care and have empathy, just let her see that.

15. You seem like a gentle person from what you’ve written. I don’t know what kind of housemates you have, but whatever you do, don’t let anyone shame her for her eating habits or for spending a lot of time in her room.

    Maybe if you give her an occasional gentle offer to spend time with you, she might take you up on it. If she says no, please accept the answer first time, but try again in the future when it feels right. When you do offer her to spend time with you, please make it something simple, relaxing and not too sociable or with too many people as she is likely a very anxious person.

    Please don’t let anyone be pushy towards her or pressure her to do anything. Please be kind.

16. Check in if she’s OK generally, stressed from studying or lonely or whatever ‘normal’ problems and help her.

    I wouldn’t ask about the food because it might be an extremely sensitive topic.

17. unless its something you already are or can get educated in then i’d say maybe just having a friend might be the most help you can give for now

18. being that short & having such extreme behaviours, sounds like this isn’t a new thing for her., there isn’t really much you can do.

    i’m unfortunately diagnosed with anorexia, i recommend just avoiding mentioning eds/your worry. eating disorders are evil and cruel, no matter what you say/don’t say, it can fuel the disorder and dysmorphia.

    if you feel up to it, maybe try involve her in some stuff. eating disorders are painfully isolating and i’m sure she is lonely.

19. Yeah you are right, if you are not close, do not at any point accuse or mention an eating disorder.

    First, while this looks like an eating disorder it could also be other physical or mental health conditions causing this. Depression and anxiety made me do shit like this. Gastritis made it harder for me to eat anything with flavour. I hated the weight loss that came with that.

    It could also be an eating disorder, and to be honest, it is unlikely that you, as a non-professional will be able to really help her. All you can do is be there, be a friendly face, show up. I wouldnt invite her for meals straight up – she could take offence to that or think you are ‘onto her’, but maybe invite her to watch a movie or tv show together? Or maybe you could need a hand with something, so ask her for help. I found when I was mentally unwell, I felt so useless most of the time that helping a friend with something small kept my mood up.

20. Are you sure she’s not snacking rather than just keeping bits in her room? The sugar could have accompanied a drink/good shes keeping there

21. EDs are usually made a lot worse by isolation. Instead of trying to help her with her ED directly (which you are most likely not equiped to do) maybe instead invite her to some kind of non-food related hang out. Plan a craft evening or invite her to watch a film with you guys. A dinner invite or anything based around food will probably be rejected, but letting her distract herself from her issues for a bit and think about something other than food might actually help.

22. If you’re both in university, your university will have a way to make a report about a student you’re concerned for. Since you said she never leaves her room I guess she isn’t a uni student? Or was that an exaggeration? Does the BF only hang out with her at the flat?

23. I recently did a MHFA course and we covered eating disorders within that and I can say there’s some not great (whilst I’m sure well meaning) advice in this thread.

    You absolutely should avoid approaching them in settings or times that are related to food. I wouldn’t even mention it in all honesty.

    -If you are wanting to approach her then here’s some advice I can offer:

    Focus on specific behaviours that you’re worried about rather than their weight or what they eat. ‘I’ve noticed you’ve not been out much recently, is everything ok?’
    ‘I’ve picked up that you seemed a little on edge the other day, is there anything bothering you or anything you want to talk about?’

    Avoid making any positive or negative comments in relation to the person’s appearance, diet or weight loss. Eg, if they do decide to open up and say something like ‘I just feel fat’, avoid telling them they don’t. Remain neutral.
    ‘How do those feelings impact you on a day to day?’

    Ultimately they can choose to open up or not but just keep those lines of communication open.

    As someone has already mentioned, Beat is an ED charity that has some good resources on how to support someone you think may be struggling —> https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/tips-for-supporting-somebody-with-an-eating-disorder/

    It’s a difficult one for sure, but tread carefully! Good luck and bless you for wanting to help.

24. What do you mean by “offer help”?

    I know your intentions are good, but EDs are very complex and not something you can really “help”.

    Even if you were a specialist healthcare professional, it wouldn’t necessarily be helpful or appropriate as a housemate. Even if you know someone really well, it’s not really something you can fix.

    I’ve had previous housemates try to “help”, but quite honestly it made my situation worse. I was so ashamed that people noticed that I doubled down on trying to hide my ED, started to believe that everyone hated me and self harmed more to numb myself.

    The best thing you can do is just be kind and supportive. You don’t have to directly bring up food/ED things, just be a kind human

    It’s not your role to get involved

    (I have a long term severe ED)

25. I don’t think you can actually help even if you have the best of intentions, people with eating disorders are so “difficult” to accept help. I have a cousin who still suffers from anorexia and despite all our efforts to help and guide her, she still thinks we are just judging her badly and scrutinise her body. She doesn’t see the real problem. Even when she accepted to see a specialist and start from somewhere,she was eating in front of us and then go to the bath to induce vomit. I really don’t know if there’s anything that can help them unless they took their situation seriously. But what I found very harmful for their situation is the exposure to social media and the positive comments they get there; my cousin is literally like a stick now you can see her bones everywhere and her “friends” still praise her body. I assume it’s something that gives her confidence and she continues the same habits, it’s too damaging.

26. I’m recovered from anorexia. She’s an adult – best to leave her alone. Obviously what she’s doing is very unhealthy, but you have no ability to change her actions in this situation. It has to come from her. If you’re imminently concerned about her physical health at any point, call an ambulance.

27. None of your business matey.

    As someone with an eating disorder and identity disturbance, any comment(or intervention) is going to backfire regardless of how well-intentioned it is.

28. ED s are kind of impossible. Say something, they double down. Say nothing, they continue. Call family, maybe she gets yelled at, or maybe the family doesn’t realize she’s relapsed. Anorexics are very good at pretending to be well.

    But I would err on the side of calling a family member to see if they can get her into treatment.

    If it were my daughter I would want to know.

29. It might not be anorexia, it could be something like autism causing ARFID or OCD.

    You should try to build a relationship with her first and see what happens after that.

30. Invite her to have dinner with you. Maybe say that you cooked a bit too much and it would do you a favour if you could share it with someone. Especially if you are cooking something that can’t be reheated as leftovers.

    Don’t mention the eating disorder.

31. As someone with an Ed, Yeah she needs help. The bowl of sugar and the secrecy is shame.

    A bowl of sugar seems wild until you realise that a body will reach for easy to access energy when it’s starved and desperate. It’s a survival response in a way.
    Sounds like she’s been at this for a while

    Are you all at uni?

32. Id have said ignore it – I’ve got weird eating habits myself – but a bowl of sugar is madness.

    Id play it direct. Say something like “if you need help, I’m happy to try my best”.

    You know what she’s doing. She knows what she’s doing.

    Dont patronise her. Don’t poke. I image her family has already done all that.

33. are you at uni? if so definitely report it to student services.. they have a duty of care and obviously are trained to deal with this!

34. i’ve seen people post helpful links so i’m just here to say always check in if you feel like you need to, that helps more than you think