I’m here to get other opinions because I’m honestly conflicted. I’m a 26F (rather not say real), and my boyfriend is 26M (also rather not say real). We’ve been dating for almost a year now.
Right before we started dating, he was still talking to his ex. He would tell his friends and his ex about me—how much he liked me and everything we had in common. We would stay up all night on the phone, and he asked me why my past relationships ended. I shared that I had been cheated on and that one of my exes slept with someone else and how that affected me. He replied, “Good, so I can make sure I never do that.”
Intimacy has always been very important to me. I’ve always wanted to wait for someone who shared the same morals as me—someone who was also waiting for the right person and hadn’t been with anyone before me and being in hs this isn’t that crazy.My boyfriend told me he had only been with one person (his long-term ex—the one he was still talking to and telling her abt me ), but in reality, he had been with two. The second was a one-night stand at a party. Even though this went against my standards, I kept talking to him because I was really interested.
While we were talking, things got pretty serious, and it seemed like we were going to start dating soon. I remember seeing a girl’s name pinned on his phone, but since I didn’t know her name or anything about her, I brushed it off as a close friend or family member.
Some time passed, and one day I got a message on Instagram. When I clicked on it, it had been deleted. It was from a fake account. I asked why they messaged me snd why they deleted it,and the person said she was his ex. She told me they had been talking for some time and that she suspected he and I were talking too because she recognized my name and had seen a message from me pop up on while they were cuddling together on tik tok.
For background: he had blocked me and told me he was deleting his Instagram because it got hacked. He made a new account to talk to me—but in reality, she had seen me on his phone and asked him to block me.
He would call her all day, and meet up with her when his dad wasn’t home and then call me too sleep otp like nothing.
She then told me that they had been intimate the previous Thursday. That completely crushed me. Everything I had shared with him—everything—felt like it meant nothing.
I started texting him and went crazy because I was so hurt. It turned into a huge situation, but somehow it ended with me comforting both of them and being there for both of them—even though I was the one who was betrayed the most.
What frustrates me is that she knew about me and still did those things with him. She even insulted me while I was comforting her, when I was the only one who didn’t know anything and got hurt in the way that mattered most to me.
He told her they could never be together, that he wasn’t thinking clearly, and that he knew it wouldn’t work out between them. He said he loved me and liked me more. She reacted badly and even told his family she was pregnant (which wasn’t true).
Now, almost a year later, I’m finally starting to process everything, and it’s hitting me hard. I catch myself reading their old messages and seeing how he treated her when he was also talking to me. He even had recordings of them being intimate together but deleted them after the whole situation-which still really bothers me.
I feel distraught and disappointed in myself for staying after everything I believed in and letting it pass like nothing.I know it’s been a while, but it’s just now starting to affect me the most.
He treats me well now and we’re always together. and he reassures me and i have his stuff. but it doesn’t feel like the same level of effort he gave her or at least in the messages i saw.
I’m also kind of friends with his ex now we don’t really talk even after everything she said about me, and he knows She has a new boyfriend, and he doesn’t seem to care much.
I’m glad to say he hasn’t spoken to her since everything happened, even though she still tries to contact him. I chose not to make it known to her that we’re still dating because she was very upset and didn’t want her too go crazy again.
I’ve talked to him about everything, and he’s told me that if this is still making me upset or disappointed in myself, then maybe I should leave and find someone who shares my morals. He said he doesn’t want me to feel bad over something he did and that he truly regrets it and doesn’t like how it’s making me feel bad about myself.
I chose to stay and i really don’t want too leave him hoping the feelings would pass, but I still find myself upset about the situation.
Thank you so much for reading and for any advice you have—I really appreciate it.
TL;DR:
My boyfriend was still involved with his ex and dishonest about their situation when we first started talking, including hiding contact and downplaying what was happening between them. I later found out they were still intimate while we were getting serious. Even though I was deeply hurt, I stayed in the relationship.
Now almost a year later, I’m only just starting to fully process it, and I feel conflicted and upset that I compromised my own values. He treats me well now, says he regrets everything, and hasn’t contacted her since, but I still can’t stop thinking about what happened and feel hurt by how things started.
Had someone on here tell me it’s like getting punched in the face even if they’re nice afterwards it doesn’t change what he did and i get that but it’s just that he’s kinda proven too me that he won’t do it again and that he loves me but i still can’t stop