I am looking for perspective on my relationship because, as this is my first and only serious long-term partner, I don’t have a frame of reference to know if what I’m experiencing is a normal phase or a sign of fundamental incompatibility. I’ve been with my girlfriend for four years, and it has been long-distance the entire time while we finish our degrees.
Lately, I feel completely drained. We have a 3-day holiday coming up, and I realized I double-booked it between a long-standing trip with my friends and a visit to see her. When I brought it up, she was understandably upset, but my internal reaction has confused me. Instead of feeling a desperate need to fix the plans to see her, I find myself deeply preferring the plan with my friends. The idea of the visit feels repetitive and tiring, while the time with my friends feels like the mental break I actually need. If I don't go, we won't see each other until June, yet I still feel a strong lack of motivation to make the trip.
This burnout seems to stem from our conflicting attachment styles. She has a very anxious attachment style and requires constant communication and 100% of my focus during my free time. Over the years, I feel I’ve become increasingly avoidant as a response. I’ve spent a lot of energy managing her anxiety and trying to be the "stable" one, but I’ve reached a point where I struggle to be affectionate or say "nice things." It feels like the emotional gap between us is widening; she feels the relationship is fine, while I feel like she is much more invested than I am.
We recently spent two weeks together to see if we were still compatible, and for me, it confirmed how much I value my independent space. I’m now at a crossroads. I don’t know if this indifference is a common hurdle in 4-year long-distance relationships or if I’m simply staying out of habit and fear of the unknown.
In fact, we recently started to talk about our future together, and she told me how she wanted to live together, and I honestly just want to live alone the next years. I don't know, I feel like a shitty person.
I’m trying to decide if I should push through and go this weekend to see if being together changes my mindset, or if my lack of desire to go is already a clear indicator that the relationship has run its course. I feel a lot of guilt, but I don’t want to continue a cycle that leaves me feeling this disconnected. How do you distinguish between temporary LDR exhaustion and a permanent loss of interest?
TL;DR:I’ve been in a long-distance relationship (LDR) for 4 years and I’m emotionally burnt out. I accidentally double-booked a holiday and realized I’d much rather travel with my friends than visit my girlfriend. Her anxious attachment has made me avoidant; she wants to move in together, but I want to live alone. I’m struggling to tell if this is just "LDR fatigue" or if the relationship is over.