I have been thinking about divorcing my husband. We have been married for 3 years, and I haven’t felt this depressed for a long time. He isn’t a bad person, he has done a lot of good for me. He has been patient in situations he shouldn’t have to be in. I can be really difficult to deal with (very anxious person).
It doesn’t happen super often but in our relationship he often yells at me, even when i have expressed to him that it scares me. When he gets angry he will scream at me to shut the fuck up, call me an idiot, tell me im stupid or crazy. I never ever use language like that against him. It’s rare for me to even raise my voice when we’re arguing. One time he called me a bitch for throwing away a really bad quality shoe i bought for 6 euros (he thought i was wasteful).
The problem is that I don’t trust my brain either. I have been depressed before i was married to him too. So I don’t know if this is just another wave im experiencing. But i do know that i feel like i am being squashed in our relationship.
The things i wrote above doesn’t happen all the time. He is really sweet and caring of me often. But i just feel like i have totally lost myself in this relationship.
If i get too excited he will tell me to calm down. He will tell me i talk too much. He doesn’t like when i get silly like i do with my family. We argue almost every time we go out and do something together (my fault sometimes). I think we bring out bad sides in one another. I don’t have an identity in our relationship. A huge part of it is my fault as i have social anxiety and haven’t made space for myself in other areas of my life. But something I haven’t felt before is that im really incompetent and dumb. I think it’s a result of him putting me down when i make mistakes or just go against his opinions.
I don’t know. He doesn’t care when he sees me cry anymore either so i feel like he is on the same page as i am, but he is in denial. We are tied together in a way that will make divorce especially difficult for him. I love him and still want him to do good but i feel like i’m choking. I want to go back to my family and home country. I want to make decisions on my own.
Sometimes i imagine him being married to someone else. Someone who is beautiful and kind and shares his culture, is confident and has great friends and family. I think he’d be another person with someone like that.