We’ve been married for 11 years.
He was never a kisser.
When we got married we were both virgins. We were both inexperienced.
I really tried my best with everything. Like doing what he likes in bed, accepting certain kinks. I never treated him weird or ridiculed him. But he didnt focus on me. For the first years he didnt even let me come (sorry for being specific). He was a bit selfish and I had to ask everything. “Could you try this?” “Would you do that?” “Can you try this?” I felt so stupid, having to ask for everything. He didnt initiate pleasuring me, so we had a lot of friction, because he said “you are always nagging that I dont please you, stop bothering me”. It was stupid and sex made me upset. It also hurt, because I wasnt aroused when we did it, since he didnt “warm” me up. I really thought it was normal to have pain. At one point he even accused me of being not motivated, because I didnt “move along” while doing it. He didnt understand that it physically hurt. I really thought I was broken. I wondered how other women felt, because I heard all those stories of good sexual experienced. So I figured it was my fault.
The last years went better. He listens actually when I tell him something in bed. He seems more mature and less petty. But there are still things he wont do. Like kissing. He tells me that he doesnt like french kissing because he feels like he has to throw up when there is a tongue in his mouth. I am not wild, I am actually very considerate. I dont force him at all. I always start with a few pecks on the mouth but I feel him stiffening, flinching. It makes me so uncomfortable. So then I stop. He doesnt like the sensation. Its too close and too intimate for him. He is in general very sensitive for touch and smell. He does kiss me on my hands and cheeks, like a lot.
I always take care of my hygiene, I always smell good, look good. He compliments me daily and he gets aroused easily around me. He likes our sexual connection, but mostly on his terms.
And it actually bothers me. I am 30 plus, and I just want.. a good make out session. Call me childish. But at this point I dont even care about sex in itself. I like the intimacy of kissing, breathing each other in. He told me I am too romantic and watched too much movies. In my head I answer “and you watched maybe too much porn”, but I never talk back when he calls me stupid for wanting what I want.
Its becoming my secret now, a secret thing I really want, and probably will never get. I go to that mentally happy place everyday, fantasizing about a day were I can experience real kissing. And then I bury those thoughts again.
He is nice to me, he cuddles me, thinks I’m cute and hot, but is doesnt seem enough. He isnt bad, I dont think I can leave him for this. We have kids. And its just way too complex. I though at one point: does he even like me? Is he gay? Maybe its me?
But he is glued to me, he wants to be in my presence all the time. He wants to have quality time every day, buys me my favourite snacks, he surprises me with romantic things (like flowers, little notes). It gives me emotional whiplash. He is also very jealous and posessive. I feel too much and also not enough from the things that I really crave. Things are good as they are now, but if I comment too much in our intimate relation, he gets upset, angry, almost petty. I feel spoiled and bad for wanting what I want. And sometimes I cry on the inside, because I cant let it out.
Does anyone have some experience with this problem? Any tips on what to do?
Tl;dr: anyone experience with a partner that doesnt like kissing while you are into it? Is it something you can let go?
TIA