I feel a bit embarrassed even putting this into words, but I need to be honest about how I’m feeling.
I’ve been with him for over 10 years, and I’m really struggling with the fact that nothing has moved forward. We don’t live together, and while he talks about the future and what he wishes we could have, it never actually turns into anything real.
I’ve worked consistently to build a stable life, and it’s been hard watching him struggle to hold down a job. At the moment he only teaches one student a couple of days a week. I’ve supported his passion for music because I do believe he’s talented, but I also feel he needs to take responsibility for his life. I’ve asked him to find something more stable and full-time, but it doesn’t feel like he’s willing to do that. What makes it harder is that even when he’s at home, he often spends time gaming or drifting instead of seriously focusing on music. When I'm sleeping because I've had a hard day at work, he is often fucking around on the PC.
This year, I didn't receive anything on my birthday or Valentine's Day. It made me feel extremely unimportant.
He disappears for days/goes ghost and then blames it on his mental health. I've had my time to be understanding, but I'm also dealing with depression and anxiety (medicated for it) and I still make an active effort in the relationship and my life.
I feel like I’ve reached a point where the resentment is building and becoming overwhelming. It feels like my time, my life, and my future are being wasted. I care deeply about him, but I’m starting to realise that care alone isn’t enough to sustain this relationship… It makes me feel like I'm in a relationship with a loser.
I know this probably comes from a negative and one-sided place, but I keep asking myself – is this relationship already over, or is it actually worth trying to save? I feel like I can’t force someone to change or meet me halfway.
25 comments
Better late than never
Good you shouldn’t live with losers
U literally called ur bf a “loser.” It’s over lady. Ur not compatible anymore. Ur hesitation is sunk cost fallacy, but it’s pretty obvious from ur post u neither respect him or like him very much anymore. Save both urselfs the headache and don’t drag this out.
Hard to say from just this post alone, but no birthday gift? He sounds checked out completely
It’s been a decade. If he were going to grow up and be an actual partner to you, it would have happened by now. The only thing continuing to wait around in the hopes something will magically compel him to get his act together is going to get you is more wasted time.
artists … they keep your heart full and your belly empty.
Sounds like you can leave with minimal damage. No kids or combined finances or mortgage. Good for you.
Bail yesterday, no fucking way 10 years and they FORGET a holiday like they have so much going on they could forget.
You can date someone who is fine with being a bare minimum human or not.
You won’t change him. You accept a broke entitled baby-man (assuming he lives with parents and doesn’t pay bills) or you move on.
10 years and you aren’t even LIVING together? Yeah no. Better late than never. People say that 30 is actually pretty great time to be living.
I think i feel the same way watching you waste your life with this guy. What advice would you give if your best friend had this exact problem? Do you give him more of your life? More of your stable years? Its great to have passion, but passion doesnt pay the bills. – A theatre kid, who became an accountant. Sure im not on the stage, but I get to take my girlfriend to Europe.
He sounds like a 15 year old. Trade up for a man
Have you posted on reddit before? I swear I heard this exact story a while back
I read once that we fall in love with people that we want our partners to be and not who they actually are… I can’t understand how he would watch you work and bust your ass while he sits at home and plays games and doesn’t try and has no ambition. This isn’t gonna change, you’re still young, don’t waste it on someone like that, because life‘s too short. And if he loved you, he would be doing everything he can to prove it.
Its not going to change. I stayed because of love. Sometimes thats just not enough. Don’t be me.
I think you’re looking at the situation rationally and with a sound mind. You’ve been with him for more than a decade, but no major milestones have been achieved, and it looks like none are realistically coming anytime soon.
And you said it yourself, the resentment is building. Once that happens, it will keep growing unless something is done.
If you really are conflicted about leaving him (I can understand, you’ve been with him for over 10 years), maybe sit him down and let him know everything you pretty much said in this post. How you feel about how nothing is moving anywhere, how you don’t feel appreciated, how you feel like time is wasting away.
Perhaps don’t mention anything about how he doesn’t seem ambitious. If you do, I feel like the conversation will be derailed into him getting defensive about that. That isn’t the main point of YOUR concerns. Your concerns are about whether it is worth it to stay in this relationship.
And if you talk to him, do not let him gaslight you into making you think you’re not being sympathetic to him enough. He may blame it on his mental health, but that’s not an excuse to let you suffer.
If he has a mature and realistic conversation with you, that might be a good sign. If he doesn’t, it will be all the more proof you need to leave.
Don’t get pregnant on your way out. How does he even support himself? Does he live at home with his parents?
This is as good as it will get with him. I hope you find the partner you deserve.
Time to break up and move on, he’s not worth it and you already know that. Get him out of your life. And get an STD test. Guy disappears for days at a time. They’d quite possibly drugs or cheating
You are only 33. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go find somebody to share it with who isn’t this deadbeat.
I verrrry much understand trying to be supportive and kind. But we women can often confuse support and patience for sacrifice and endless compromise.
Been there myself!
You deserve a partner who is on an active path with you, not one who is barely paying attention.
You don’t live together. Honestly, that’s GREAT news.
You are indeed describing a loser. I’m so sorry. But breaking up will be one of the best things you ever do for yourself (and possibly him) … and I’d bet a little money that your anxiety and depression might decrease once you’re free of his dead weight.
It sounds harsh, I know. But honey… you’ve got one life. This relationship is not the goal.
I don’t see anything worth saving, do you? Love is not enough. Never. You can love someone and they still be a terrible partner for you.
If you stay with this person, I can guarantee you – your time and your life and your future will be wasted. But you already know this. If you need permission to leave, permission granted.
It’s been ten years, OP. A full decade. Do you want to make it another, wishing he were someone else? Because this is who he is. This is who he has been, this is who he is, this is who he is going to be.
Don’t waste another day.
So do you want to be 43 and making a follow up Reddit post about how your Bf is still a loser? Cause that’s where this is going. Don’t give in to the sunk cost fallacy. Do what you need to do and move forward with your life.
I think you know the answer to your question. You need to be with someone who you can build a future with and not someone who only dreams about it.
The time is gonna pass either way. You decide how/where/with whom you want to spend it.
>I’ve supported his passion for music because I do believe he’s talented,
… when he’s at home, he often spends time gaming or drifting instead of seriously focusing on music.
Doesn’t sound like he has passion for music
Where does he go when he is ghosting you and not at home or work?