TL;DR – Late 20s male seeking advice on their transition plan out of a long heterosexual relationship.
I do not have people in my life with healthy relationships and I'm wanting to get advice from humans, not just AI. Much thanks to anyone that reads my post and provides their thoughts and perspective.
I've been wanting to leave this relationship for at least half of it, but our co-dependency, monetary commitments, and history kept us together hoping things would get better. We're all each other have ever known intimately and this decision is scary and I can no longer put it off. It's cumulative and this isn't being spurred by a single event like infidelity or a fight.
My partner does not make as much as me although the difference is not drastic. She is not as responsible with saving and managing finances. I've been mainly responsible for logistics and managing our utilities, relocations, etc.
She moved across the country with me several years ago and I feel responsible for her given how much of her youth I've potentially and partly wasted although I know she had agency to leave, I deeply care for her. I know the breakup will leave here devastated and I want to help ease the post-breakup period as much as possible. My mother and AI both mentioned that I may be being overly generous and setting up unhealthy dependency.
PLAN
- Our lease ends in three months and I was going to cover her share fully along with utilities all while absolving her debt for things I've covered for her.
- I was going to pay for her move whether that be staying in our current state or relocating to our home state where we have family and friend networks.
- We have two older cats that she would most likely keep due to attachment and me taking security clearance work with a remote project that starts up in November. I want to contribute to their care since they are my animals too and it's more than fair given she will be solely responsible for them.
- I was going to leave her with most or all of the assets we've accumulated like our bed, washer/dryer, electronics, (you get the gist.) This isn't all altruistic as I want to start leading a more minimalist life style and most likely have the means to rebuild more easily than her.
- I potentially would co-sign a lease if her income isn't sufficient, but I'm concerned about having an eviction if she gets depressed and throws in the towel temporarily. I don't want this to cause mandatory communication or reliance. She may have to grow and make a hard choice of securing a roommate, staying with friends or family, or living below her means.
- This plan will partially set me back in terms of savings, but I won't be overextended. I feel awful and this is weighing heavily on me. I love her, but we are not compatible anymore. Is staying together through the lease a bad idea; are clear boundaries needed?
- How can I approach this to avoid a messy breakup?
I had a very harsh childhood riddled with daily physical and verbal fights with my single mother and her partners. My partner didn't have the easiest upbringing either and had the patience of a saint while I worked through communicating better, curtailing my anger, and she never called me out of name. She was a verbal punching bag early on while I processed my trauma and learned to cope and I will forever be grateful.