I 30F and my boyfriend 34M have not had sex in almost 18 months. We have never had a sex life that was fulfilling to me anyway but now it’s just nothing. We have been together for 5.5 years. Throughout most of the relationship it has been maybe once a month more like every 6 weeks. The first 9 months we were together was the only time I felt like we had a good sex life and that was apparently just the honeymoon phase. Once I moved in he was basically completely disinterested in me.
Flash forward to when things completely dried up a year and a half ago, partially stems from him gaining a few pounds and he claims if he isn’t working out regularly his already low interest disappears. He refuses to see a doctor if this is just a physical problem but I don’t think it’s just that. He is in therapy though. We don’t even kiss really anymore just grandma pecks before work or bed. It has basically been like this for years. Before the 18 month “dry spell” We had almost no affection (kissing, making out, cuddling, holding hands etc) until he’s trying to fuck me and that includes him rolling over in the morning grabbing a nipple and poking me with his dick. I don’t even think I ever got him hard because the sex we did have was basically always random or just morning wood. Seems like the brief horniness would show up and then he’d come have sex with me because that’s who he’s supposed to have sex with but I don’t think it really ever mattered who I was or what I did. I did mention that this type of completely unromantic sex made me feel like I wasn’t important in the situation and like I was just being used for his satisfaction and my needs and desires didn’t matter. This was close to the last time we had sex so I feel like my desire for any romance drove him away even more and may be contributing to the continued problem. But I’m not wrong to want to feel like I matter too?
I’ve tried talking about this issue multiple times since this dry spell began (month 3) and it goes no where. He claims we’d have more intimacy if I initiate but my confidence has been completely destroyed over the course or this relationship and I do not feel capable of withstanding the inevitable rejection there. I have throughout this time tried putting on sexy lingerie, asking for dates, tried being more casually affectionate. He shows no buy in or interest in any of these efforts so I have never “initiated” in his opinion but I think I’ve tried taking steps and met a brick wall.
About 6 months ago we almost broke up due to significant fighting that makes me feel like he just doesn’t like me. He’s the one that tried to break up but then changed his mind. He says I’m his best friend and his favorite person but apparently not a sexual partner. The last time we talked about this issue over a month ago he said he had considered initiating but because it’s been so long there’s a lot of stress and pressure and it’s all on him. I tried to tell him it wouldn’t be if he engaged with any of the ways that I take steps towards sex but he says those things aren’t initiating and when asked what would be he basically tells me to hop on his dick and act like a stripper. So I truly feel like I’m not enough because that’s just not me.
I’m at the point that I’m convinced he’s cheating on me, I’m not actually his sexual type, he has a kink or fetish that I do not meet and he is unwilling to ask for, or god knows what. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or ask at this point I feel like I’ve tried everything I can.
How do I start another conversation about this?