My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years (both mid-30s). Overall we’ve had a reasonably good relationship, but this week she told me she has been unhappy for the last 2 years and can no longer see a future with me.
The main issue seems to be that after 6 years, I never clearly communicated about engagement, marriage, or kids. I did want those things eventually, but I delayed the conversations because I wanted to feel certain before saying it, and probably also avoided it. I now realise my silence likely made her feel insecure, unchosen, and like we weren’t moving forward. The unfortunate thing for me is that
Over the last few months, I have become certain on my stance about wanting a family With her.
She’s also brought up that over the last couple of years we became complacent: less quality time, less affection, less saying “I love you,” less emotional connection. She says she hasn’t felt like herself in the relationship for a while.
Since this came up, I’ve told her clearly that I do want a future with her, marriage, and kids. But I think she sees that as reactive because she’s now considering leaving. She says she needed to hear this a long time ago and may feel it’s too late.
She’s taking space this weekend to think, but my read is she’s leaning toward ending it.
My questions:
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Is this usually a case of “too little too late,” or do relationships sometimes recover from this kind of delayed wake-up call?
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If you were in her shoes, what would you need to see to believe change was genuine?
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If you were in mine, would you give space completely now, or keep trying to communicate?
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Is there anything I should avoid doing that commonly pushes someone further away?
Looking for honest input, especially from people who’ve been on either side of this dynamic.
My plan is to give her the space she requires whilst remaining positive.
She said until hearing my latest reflections, she was 100 percent out of the relationship. But now learning my stance on the future, it has created an environment that’s hard to think.
TL;DR: Been with my girlfriend 6 years. She says she’s been unhappy for 2–3 years and can’t see a future with me because I never clearly talked about marriage/kids/commitment and we became complacent (less affection, quality time, emotional connection). I’ve now told her I do want a future/family with her, but she thinks it’s reactive because she’s leaving and says it may be too late. She’s taking space this weekend. Is this fixable, or usually too little too late?
34 comments
It might be too late, yes. I’d take the initiative and find a couples counselor and make an appointment.
She’s been checked out and unhappy for half of your relationship, and you didn’t ever notice.
Let her go
Be honest with yourself and her. Do you want a family and marriage SOON? She’s already waited 6 years for you. If this is still “someday”, that’s surely not good enough. If you’re ready to advance the relationship with serious intention, you might have a shot. She’s been waiting while you waffle long enough, time for a real plan. Not just words, but action.
You’re in your mid 30s and you’ve been in a relationship for 6 years. You haven’t brought up marriage and kids in that time. Yeah, most people would take that as you not wanting it with them seriously.
At your big age, you were still talking about “eventually”…and you’re just now talking about being certain about wanting those things with her.
She has the right idea about leaving. You had 6 years to tell her this, but you didn’t until she told you she was unhappy. She deserves better this.
I suspect the only reason why you are even thinking of having kids is because you don’t want to lose her, and that’s not a good enough reason.
Unless you’ve actually changed with regards to direct communication and not being avoidant, it’s not likely to be good news. Some of that is straight up attachment style and not something that tends to change over time. I would think it’s too late, but now you know to be more communicative with the next partner and not make assumptions or take for granted that they want the same future as you do.
There’s nothing you could tell me to convince me you want those things because that’s what you want, I’d always think it’s because I was going to walk away.
To be honest, she doesn’t sound like the only one checked out. Except I’m not sure you ever checked in. Your behavior is centered around you and your needs, wants, timeline and expectations.
Did you ever consider that biology holds the trump card regarding kids, for her?
I’m sure a flurry of ‘yes, but’ thoughts are flying around in your head. Maybe they would have applied but did you ever bother to talk to your partner about this? Did you ever consider that she needed a clear answer the sooner the better? That holding her hostage by her dwindling hope, also means you’ve impacted her ability to fulfill her dream of children and marriage?
Now, I don’t believe you should have children unless you want that.
That, however, is a different thing from being clear and honest with your partner. Or being so self-focused you can’t figure out something is wrong and then follow up on it. Asking if it’s too late?
Well, only she can say.
And it seems like she already gave you her answer. It’s just not the one you wanted. I also don’t blame her at all. She deserved better.
It should be too little too late. You took her for granted and only care now that she’s leaving.
Honestly, she’ll probably take you back because it’s way easier than uprooting her whole life, but you won’t deserve it.
> Overall we’ve had a reasonably good relationship
If she’s been unhappy for a third of your relationship, I’m going to argue that it hasn’t been a reasonably good one.
At this point I don’t blame her and imagine that almost anything is going to be seen as reactionary. If you’ve realized months ago that you wanted a future with her, why did you wait until she said she was done?
Before you waste any more of your time or hers be honest with yourself. Do you want marriage and kids because you truly want those things, or do you want them because she wants them and you know she’s close to leaving over it?
> Is this usually a case of “too little too late,” or do relationships sometimes recover from this kind of delayed wake-up call?
Yes to the former
It’s not a good sign that it took you 6 years to decide how you feel about her.
Honestly it does seem like your desire for kids is reactive rather than genuine. From your own words, you strike me as someone who isn’t sure what they want in life, and that your upset about possibly losing your partner has more to do with your comfort than any real love or desire to raise a family with her.
I guarantee that’s how she sees it.
If that’s wrong, then do whatever is in your power to prove otherwise.
If that’s right, then let her go.
Wanting to be certain before committing is a good thing, but not being certain after six years isn’t.
She rightfully felt like you were wasting her time.
Go check out the waiting to wed subreddit.
She’s mid-30s, you’ve been together for 6 years. You never communicated your desire for future plans with her.
You didn’t shit, so she’s removing the pot.
Any ring you produce she’ll interpret as a shut up ring. You screwed the pooch, OP.
After four years you don’t know if you wanted to get married? You’ve wasted her prime reproductive years.
If you didn’t know for certain after 5 years then you were wasting her time.
You were waiting to “feel certain”?! And what if that took you till you were 45 and the odds of healthy children wildly decrease?
Stop tying to validate your. Hold it with phony excuses. You got comfortable, you didn’t like the idea of the hassle and stress of wedding/kids/ eing a responsible adult so you just kept on keeping on.
And you blew it.
Good luck starting over. Maybe you can find a nice single mom with some baggage from her failed previous relationship because most women your age have already started having families and you’ve pissed away your best chance already
Dude, it should be done. You both deserve it to be done, her so she can be with someone who doesn’t take 5.5 yrs to figure out if he wants her and then is so complacent about the relationship that he still even doesn’t bother to say it let alone change anything when he does figure it out, and you because if you **actually** had made up your mind to commit to this relationship fully a few months ago, youd have done **something** about it. You did absolutely sweet fuck all about this resolution, instead. You still haven’t committed to it, you just now feel like you want to. And that’s not enough when she has felt unwanted for 2 whole years.
You two should split. You’re still not committed the way she wants. And honestly, that’s okay that you’re not, but it’s not okay to keep stringing it along. This isn’t even “too little too late”, this is just … Nothing… Too late. It’s nothing, you’re doing nothing, you’ve done nothing. You only said a few words, and that’s not *doing* anything.
1. Too little, too late for her.
2. *Maybe* it would help if you gave her a concrete timeline, a list of professionals you’re going to see (about pregnancy) and any financial plans you have to get the ball rolling (dates, locations, clinic, any new lifestyle changes).
3. Present info but give space.
4. Stop saying you’re ready. The words mean nothing to her.
She wants someone who wants her. Not someone who only acts when she threatens to leave.
Your lack of communication about important things will eventually kill the relationship if you do get married and have kids. You just don’t have the most foundational skills needed for a relationship.
Nah if i were her id leave you no matter what at this point.
I would always wonder if you only committed to me because i said i would leave.
Unfortunately if she came to you saying she’s been unhappy and needs space – she made the decision at least 6 months ago. It just took her that long to accept it and say it out loud. But she’s most likely done. My guess is she talked to you about this stuff about 500 times until 2 years ago, when she gave up. That’s when it started to end.
You wasted a lot of time with your lack of commitment, and now you want to act like you are serious about her because your comfort is being threatened. Just let her go so she can have a real relationship.
Brother I am surprised you got 6 years out of her. I think most women with self-respect and a plan may have left you in half that time of not sooner. Some people are fine with waiting as long as there’s a plan but you sound like you have the consistency of runny yogurt.
Sorry to be harsh but how the hell do you, yourself even bother with a relationship this long in your 30s without an understanding of what YOU want out of it.
r/waiting_to_wed
Wow. You said you were waiting because you weren’t sure. So you were happy to waste her time while you waited around for something better to come along and since nothing did, you’re now sure about her? It doesn’t take 6 years to figure out if you really want to marry someone. Let her go.
Brother in your mid 30s you don’t have the luxury of waiting YEARS to figure out if you want marriage and kids or not. You strung her along and you’re definitely being reactive now. Too little too late. I couldn’t imagine taking this long to settle these two very important things when you’re like 28, let alone 35.
I think your only hope is immediate action and follow-through. Not just buying a ring and proposing ASAP (with some thought and romance involved), but then being the one to take initiative to keep pushing things along. Bring up wedding vendors you’ve researched. Suggest a (near future) date. Come up with fast-tracked timelines for marriage and a baby, and take the lead on every step. Then she might start to believe you and feel more secure, and like your dreams are aligned.
6 years? Mid 30’s???
Please, for the love of God. Leave her.
Six years in your thirties is a damn long time to wait for a commitment. If she’s checked out now, it’s time for her to be checked out. Usually if a woman loses that emotional investment it’s gone for good. Next time you meet someone you see a future with, don’t drift along for years without making it permanent.
I ask you this: if she hadn’t said anything, would you have, or would you still be “deciding”?
I honestly feel upset for her. It must have been so emotionally draining to be in a relationship where you are feeling unwanted. Also you know the worst part, you had no clue about that until now. That means you were never focussed about her, her feelings, or her comfort.
Let her go, if you feel you are going to be the same.
If it was me, even if you convinced me that you genuinely wanted these things and wanted to move forward with it all right now, I would NEVER be able to trust that you wouldn’t treat the rest of our lives after this point with the same apathy you have already shown.
It took 6 years to get to this point, I’d need to see about 6 years of genuine change, effort and stability before I believed it was a permanent change. I would NOT be willing to waste any more of my 30s and the last of my child bearing years on taking that chance on you. I would rather take the chance on someone else who hasn’t yet let me down.
I’d never describe my relationship with my husband as ‘reasonably good’. That’s not strong enough to build a future on. In 6 long years you didn’t mention marriage, kids or the future because you weren’t sure about it. I think you love her but if you were always ‘all in’ you two would be married with a kid by now. I usually don’t jump on the “break up with them” train, but this relationship won’t stand the test of time. It’s best to break up, work on yourself & heal, then try again. If you stay & marry her you’ll be divorced after 2 years. You waited too long.