I used to say "let me know if you need anything" to friends going through it. I meant it, but nobody ever took me up on it.
Then I read that when people are struggling, vague offers create more work for them. They have to figure out what they need, decide if it's worth asking for, and risk feeling like a burden.
So I started being specific. "I'm going to the grocery store Sunday, want me to grab you anything?" or "I have Thursday evening free, do you want company or do you just want someone to sit there with you?"
People actually said yes. One friend told me later it was the first time she felt like someone genuinely wanted to help vs just saying the polite thing. It also made me feel less useless in situations where I had no idea what to do.
Has a tiny communication change ever made a noticeable difference in a relationship for you?
30 comments
THANK YOU!!!!!
Yes yes and a thousand times YES to this š great advice
Thatās a much stronger offer. Specific help is easier to accept than vague goodwill.
I pray for that. You are a good person
I knew this at some level, but great post!
that’s actually banger advice this never crossed my mind damn. thanks op
When my dad died I felt supported by friends who showed up with specific offers. One friend told me let me know if you need anything. I felt paralyzed and didnāt know what I need. He later said he was upset I never reached out to ask for help. Maybe he didnāt understand grief back then
I was reading this recently too! Thank you for sharing.
Itās very easy to offer help, but sometimes people do feel so overwhelmed that they donāt know how to ask for help even if they need it.
What great advice! Thank you so much for sharing this. I have so many neighbors and friends than have lost loved ones or are dealing with illness . My go to is to make them a pan of stuffed shells and leave it at their door. Then I feel guilty that they feel they need to thank me in some way. That by trying help – I put a burden on them. I put a card that reads condolences and no expectations for the pan back- just here if you need us. I love your idea to be more direct and offer something specific.
If short term of from time to time – sounds awesome. It just should not become the default and one sided effort (like you doing the thinking for others all the time, while they just receive). Although it’s nice and generous, it shifts some of the effort that should belong to them onto you – basically to anticipate and frame what might help other people.
If you repeat this approach often, it can also mean others won’t have to practice identifying and communicating their own needs with you, and the dynamic becomes one sided with you carrying the crystal ball with you all the time. It might result in you feeling responsible for figuring out also more complex needs than groceries, and that becomes tiring over time.
Anyways the core idea is cool and it supports clear communication, just make sure there is balance (like doing it only when the other person is very overwhelmed, etc) and ideally also reciprocity.
Great story and insight ā¤ļø
When I had hand surgery friends swarmed me, my neighbor Brenda took over like a mom. People from church came with food and to babysit me. I was drugged so wasnāt aware of everything but it was among the most loved times I felt.
Now I bring food š
Thank you for sharing this, youāre an awesome human being.
When my Mum was unexpectedly diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer at 59, I was lucky to have people showing support. They were genuine and I knew I could get help if I needed it which was nice to know but I would never ask for it.
A co worker who I got along with but wasnāt really close to wrote her mobile number on a piece of paper and handed it to me saying Iām about 15 minutes from you, anything you need at all, drop off milk, sit with your Mum while youāre out etc, Iām there. The difference was that she took the next step by giving me her number and was very clear about how she could help me if I needed it.
That was 27 years ago and I still think about it. I have since done the same.
Like your Thursday night free example, being with someone rather than doing for someone (which many of us struggle accepting) has been so helpful to me at times. I know how it has helped me so I say to friends with similar personalities to myself going through thingsā¦I would like to pop in on ā¦, we can talk about it, not talk about it, talk shit, anything you want. Would that be okay? I have seen their relief from talking through things, and from not talking about it at all and having some sense of normality.
These friends have later told me that they didnāt want to burden me etc, but were pleased that I was āinsistentā š Itās the same way Iāve felt when people have done it to (for) me.
This!! Thank you!
This is great advice, but also situation and relationship dependent. Sometimes, especially when someone really close is struggling, you want to help but you don’t know where the need gaps are. In that case, it’s completely okay to say, “How can I help? What do you need?” It hits harder than “let me know if you need anything” because it accepts their state of need and your determination to help as a given. It allows you to avoid a situation where the specific type of help you’re offering is turned down because it’s not needed (e.g. they already have a pantry full of groceries, and they really need someone to walk the dog).
The nice thing is that these two strategies can be pretty easily combined. You can make the specific offer (or offers) and then make it clear that you’e open to doing anything else.
All of this said, I’ve learned that in times of struggle and grief, it’s the checking in and offering to help that means something to me, more than the actual provision of help. I won’t necessarily remember what you did for me, but I will remember feeling supported and thought of. Don’t overthink caring for others. It’s the caring that counts.
The first feels like being polite
This is so helpful! I also find offering something I know I have the capacity for to be helpful. In the past when Iāve given a vague offer of help to be socially acceptable when Iām really not doing great myself, Iāve found it awkward to say no if someone actually has reached out for help. Then we both ended up feeling awful. So specificity helps both ways!
I think this is so important! So many people donāt have the brain power to muster up ideas for what they need.
I usually say in the lines of, āno pressure but Iām here if I canā¦.ā
-Get you any shopping
-Bring over some food so you donāt have to cook
-Deliveroo something over/send a voucher so you donāt have to cook
-Come and sit with you/call you whenever you want a chat
-Come and do any cleaning at home/run any errands
Of course it all depends on how close I am to the person and what theyāre going through. The above are examples Iāve used for friends who I know well enough to offer these things without adding extra pressure on them to āhostā me – though Iām very laid back and muck in and do whatever, sometimes if youāre really going through it you just want your own space.
I also usually send a care package in the post with a āthinking of youā note and this has always been really appreciated.
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When my friends are going through it emotionally, I ask things like “do you need friend time?” “Would voice chatting be good for you?”
People donāt want to intrude and feel like a burden of itās open ended
And lmk if you need anything sometimes people donāt mean it and follow through
Any suggestions for long-distance friendship where the other person is struggling? Canāt just swing by with a care package but would love to offer specific help beyond the āif you need anythingā line.
For people I know close enough. I instacart over some groceries, toilet paper, microwave meals, fresh fruit, things that will help you survive.
Awesome idea. I lost a baby recently and I felt like “let me know if you need anything” was an overwhelming request. I appreciated the people that took initiative to offer actual specific help.
What does “let me know if you need anything” mean?I m 57 just lost my husband ,have a daughter,and we need lots of things.Is it meaningless,just small talk?
I’ve always disliked the “let me know if you need anything” phrase. It feels so hollow and meaningless. It’s putting the burden on the struggling person to come up with what they need, what’s appropriate to ask for, whether it would be too much to ask for, etc. And if the person who offered “anything” can’t fulfill the request due to time, money, scheduling, etc., then the struggling person feels even worse for asking.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with cancer. Treatment has been intense, and life changing. Those vague offers of help, while we’ll meant…. they don’t help. I love the specific offers, they are so useful, and even if not right open the door for me to let people know what WOULD help.
When I gave birth, I donāt remember who got me onesies or a bottle warmer. But I remember every single person who dropped off food. Like premade meals I could throw in the oven. Now every time I know someone is struggling I show up with food. Because when youāre in it, figuring out how and what to feed yourself can be paralyzing.
absolutely this!
my dad died about 10 years ago. I had moved out of the country a few years before that. I had been back just a few weeks prior to surprise him for his birthday and caught up with some old high school friends I hadnt spoken to in years. When he died and I had to come back and deal with that & his house and everything, one of those friends was the one there every single day. she just showed up every day with breakfast for my family and helped us clear out his house. she didnt ask if there was anything she could do, she just *did*. it was so ridiculously kind and helpful, and I think about it all the time. we hadnt spoken for years before that, and haven’t really spoken much since (diff countries and all), but 1000% i would not have messaged anyone for vague help things, but the offer to just come by with food and then help out was incredible.
OP speaks the truth. Example from the other side: When my partner died unexpectedly in November, a friend texted me a few nights later, āI just made a big batch of chicken soup. Can I please bring you a couple jars full. I can leave them on your doorstep if youāre not up for seeing people.ā āØāØāØ This was such a powerful form of help. My friendās care showed up in concrete physical form, and I could feel her care for me as I ate the soup (while crying). A couple other friends joined the soup brigade and kept me going for those first few months.
As someone whoās struggling and going through it! My friends who have told me ālet me know if you need anything.ā Are the last people I ask for help šI feel like theyāre just saying it to fill the gap. I need some money to buy food but did you really mean that I can ask you for some. Iād really like you to bring me at least a kilo of sugar when you come to visit me but did you really mean I could ask. I never end up asking for anything. Until the friends who call me and specifically ask if they should bring me food or ABC. So Iām so glad that thereās someone on the other end who gets it. Thank you for being there for your friends.Ā
In a bullshit world like this, I am glad that people like you exist, who think beyond themselves and are a good soul for relating to such a deeper level with the broken people. Thank you.