I (37M) have been with my girlfriend (33F) for 12 years. We have two kids (14 months and almost 5), and she is still breastfeeding the youngest. Our sex life has always been… okay, but never great. Before kids, we had sex a few times a week, but I often felt something was missing. I could go into details, but more desire, playfulness, spontaneity, and variety.
She has always been more inhibited than me sexually, and it’s honestly difficult to even talk about sex with her. When she initiates, it’s usually something like “should we go downstairs” rather than anything that expresses desire.
During her first pregnancy (and after), things were pretty much the same as before.
But during her second pregnancy, something changed. Her libido increased, but more importantly, she seemed much less inhibited. Things felt more natural and spontaneous. A massage on the sofa could turn into sex on the sofa instead of always going to our bedroom. We did a lot more oral (well, me doing oral on her. I haven’t had a BJ in the last 8 years or something like that). There was more variation, more flow, more playfulness, and it felt more like we were actually in it together rather than following a routine. I felt really desired.
I had hoped that experiencing that would shift something long-term. That she might realize how much more enjoyable sex could be when it’s less structured and more open.
But now we’re back to where we were. We have sex maybe every other week, and if I’m being honest, it feels pretty routine and not very exciting. I almost feel worse afterwards. I really miss feeling desired and having sex that feels alive.
Some additional information: we sleep separately. I sleep with the youngest so she can sleep alone and get better sleep. She gets up early because of work, so it’s not like she has a ton of sleep. She is also still breastfeeding.
I think that if the sex we had before she was pregnant had been good, then I would be optimistic that we could get it back. But it was not. But the sex during the second pregnancy was.
Is it realistic to hope that the version of her I saw during pregnancy, more open, less inhibited, more playful, can come back once breastfeeding ends, the kids get older, and we’re back to sharing a bed? Or do I need to lower my expectations and find a way to be content with mediocre sex?
Does anybody have any similar experiences, and how did it work out for you if you did?
Any suggestions on how to improve our sex life?
I understand that communicating with her about our sex life is going to be some of the advice here, but I know how hard that is for her, and I will put that off for the time being. At least until she stops breastfeeding. I don’t want her to feel pressured or that she is not enough or anything that will give her a negative and more self-conscious view on sex.