I've 'F/43' been with my partner 'M/46' 3 years but we've known each other for 25. The first two years were amazing. I always thought of him as one of the best men that I've known. He was kind, caring, empathetic, did small little things for me. Then he cheated on me a year and 4 months ago. He admitted to me that he was a severe alcoholic and asked me to stay with him and help him get sober, so I did. He became a completely different man. And not in any good kind of way. I don't recognize him at all. He is robotic, has no empathy. Pretty much only concentrates on work.
Even though things weren't great last December we decided to move in together because we were drowning in our bills. It was already something that we had talked a lot about. Just after I put in my 30-day notice I was rushed to the hospital. I had a pulmonary embolism, double pneumonia, and hypersensitivity pneumonitis- which is a severe allergy that attacks the lungs. I was told that I almost died and was incredibly sick. On top of that while doing routine blood work the doctors discovered that I had rheumatoid arthritis – a severe degenerative autoimmune disorder which I was officially diagnosed with a short time after being discharged.
I was a mess when I got out of the hospital. All of the antibiotics had caused my hormones to spiral out of control and my mental health to decline. I had to stop the birth control that I was on for 13 years because they were afraid it was the cause of the blood clot. I didn't just take it for birth control I took it for my pmdd/ my hormones. I was put on a new birth control, a blood thinner, a super high dose of oral steroids, a shot of a different kind of steroid for the RA, and another medication for the RA. On top of becoming severely unstable, I was having to navigate the side effects of the new medications that I was put on. During this whole thing my boyfriend didn't once bring up any of it. He never asked me if almost dying was scary, he never asked me about my hospital stay, he never asked me about a literal life-changing diagnosis after I was diagnosed with RA. He never asked me how I was doing off my hormones. He never asked me about any of the medications, what they were or what they did or if they had any side effects. Even though we could have made the money up he didn't even take a day off of work to stay with me after I had gotten out of the hospital and suddenly I was living in a new house that I had never been in before completely unable to take care of myself. When he was drinking he never would have left my side. He would have asked me questions literally about everything.
I sank into the deepest hole. I feel so worthless and alone. I am trying my hardest to navigate all of this myself but I keep forgetting important medications and I've been so depressed. This man who said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me didn't even say a word about any of my medical issues. I told him how upset I was and that I was on the verge of leaving. Which he knows is BS because I have nowhere to go, my car isn't working, and most days I'm in so much pain that I can't do much for myself. I told him that if he could, of his own volition, bring up all the medical stuff and we could have a discussion about it that it might make me stay. It's been 4 months and he hasn't. I've gotten angry and yelled at him about it and he says excuses like he just keeps forgetting, or it's not a good time.
I genuinely need to know if I'm overreacting. How would you handle it if your long-term partner had a serious medical event? Is expecting him to bring it up on his own without me explaining it to him too much? If so, is there a way that I can handle it differently?
TL;DR: I just went through a life-threatening and traumatic medical experience and a subsequent life-changing diagnosis and my partner just won't talk to me about it at all.
20 comments
no you’re not overreacting get rid of him. if the roles were reversed would he accept you not being interested whatsoever in his recovery or current state of health, especially knowing how many men behave when *they’re* sick? there’s no explaining this to him lol he’s nearly middle aged, he knows what he should be doing
You were there for him but he hasnt been for you. I would leave or have both ppl attend counselling
It’s pretty clear that this man does not like you at all.
You’re asking for basic care, not too much.
A lot of men leave when their partner experiences medical issues. It’s incredibly common, so much so female cancer patients are counselled on it specifically.
Sounds like he doesn’t like or care about you at all. It’s up to you if you would like to spend your life with someone who doesn’t care about you.
Stop letting this man drain you of life
I don’t think there’s anything you can do or say that will suddenly make him empathetic or compassionate towards you or your situation, because he hasn’t ever been. You say you always thought he was this great, wonderful man, but a year and a half into your relationship, he cheated on you and told you he was an alcoholic. He lied from the very beginning. He is not a good person at all, so you can’t expect anything from him. He doesn’t give a shit.
I don’t think you should be questioning how to magically make him start giving a shit. I think you should be questioning how to get out of that relationship and out of that house. The longer you stay in this situation, the sicker you’re going to get.
I hate to say it, but living with an addict is my area of expertise.
I need to establish some base knowledge here. 1 – people with excellent or even adequate coping skills don’t tend to become addicts. You begin using your substance/behavior because it *relieves the pain.* It’s not even necessarily that it feels good; but it takes away the pain/suffering/anxiety, etc. It’s *relief*, and your nervous system LOVES that. Why do breathing exercises, yoga, introspection, talk to friends, when you can have much more powerful relief on demand?
2. Sobriety does not equal recovery. That might not mean anything to you right now, but essentially, it’s that just quitting the substance/behavior *does not negate whatever issue or trauma caused you to seek that relief in the first place.* Very, very rarely can someone quit drinking cold turkey and then just… be fine. They’re not okay at baseline. They do not have the capability to be ok at baseline. Recovery means facing those inner demons and also developing the skills go cope with them in a healthy way. Recovery, especially in the beginning, should be taking multiple hours in his week.
3. People tend to stay kinda stuck at the mental/emotional age that they became an addict at, at least until they are doing meaningful recovery work. You don’t specify how long he has been drinking, but we could be talking about decades of mental and emotional growth that he skipped because he simply wasn’t present in any meaningful way.
All this to say, No, you’re not overreacting. You are dealing with a man who, it sounds like, is white-knuckling sobriety (assuming he didn’t distance himself because he’s still drinking or has moved on to other substances/behaviors). He may not actually even be capable of being there for you emotionally. He does not have the capacity to hold any kind of water for you, at least at this time.
Furthermore, I am but a stranger on the internet, and this is a man you’ve known for decades. I just want to add that addicts are, by and large, extremely skilled liars and manipulators. They can and will gaslight you and lie to you. It can be absolutely crazy-making. This man you don’t recognize may have been the real him the whole time. I would have sworn on my child’s life that my ex husband would NEVER have done the things he did. It screwed with my sense of reality and my sense of trust in my self.
I invite you to check out SMART Recovery Friends or other resources for addicts’ loved ones. As far as what you can do right now, start with stopping threatening to leave unless you’re willing and able to back it up. Make no threats. Set boundaries *for yourself*. Boundaries are ALWAYS for yourself. Think of them like an invitation – I would like to be close to you, and I need these things to feel safe. You may not be able to leave, for example, but you can choose not to speak vulnerable with him about these things and give that care and concern to yourself. It sounds like you need to be your own best friend now anyway.
Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
I went through a 10 day hospital stay, ICU and all. My husband ( boyfriend of maybe a year at the time) took days off, was in constant contact and took care of me when I finally made it home and was a mess.
If he wanted to, he would.
You deserve better🩷
Being with this man has and will continue to make you sicker.
I was just starting a new relationship when I was diagnosed with cancer. I just had to step away and focus on my health. As a doctor, I am well aware of the seriousness of your diagnoses and how much the medications have likely affected you. Given the preexisting problems, I think you need to jettison the relationship and focus on adapting to your new normal.
He doesn’t sound “sober” – he sounds like a dry drunk.
Did he get therapy? Attend AA and work the steps? Do anything to change/heal from the issues that made him turn to alcohol in the first place?
Let’s be honest here. If he hasn’t acted like he cared over the last 4 months he’s not going to suddenly start acting like he cares tomorrow. And if he really did bring up this conversation you want about your medical event would it really mean anything? Do you really want what comes out of his mouth if you have to force feed it to him? He has answered your question and that is that yes, expecting him to bring it up on his own without you explaining it to him is too much.
Yeah, he’s not the one for you. The whole situation is for his benefit regarding saving money. He doesn’t love or even like you. Only likes what you can do for him, and right now, that’s nothing.
You need a partner who sees you, and is there for you. Youll end up feeling lonelier in the relationship rather than if you were out of it.
What’s your thoughts on whether he has truly conquered his addiction just because he’s sober? I knew people who were addicts or had eating disorders and when they didn’t have long term therapy, some of them just swapped their unhealthy coping mechanism with something more socially acceptable such as non stop working or excessive gym use. The selfishness and lack of empathy makes me think he’s mentally stuck somewhere.
I am wondering why you still refer to him as a “partner”?
Oh sweetie, this isn’t love. As another woman who went though a very similar life or death medical experience and is dealing with those same medical issues plus fertility issues many years later, leave him. My husband has stuck by me and helped me, talks with me, takes days off, takes care of me, goes out of his way for me. I would do the same for him in a heartbeat. It makes me so sad to hear other women and men who are going through health issues and their partner is ignoring them. Our medical lives are hard enough! I couldn’t deal with my mental health tanking on top of that. It’s bad for your physical health to even recover. Please, for your health leave him and get a good therapist to discuss your medical trauma. I have one and between my husband and her I’m dealing with things so much better.
As a person with RA, my husband will wake up at 5 am to rub my joints, hold my water bottle for me if I can’t hold it, help me shower, inject the medications, etc He also struggled with looking up the medications, the complicated disease process, and in general seeing me very sick makes him at times shut down and avoid talking about things – but that being said, your partner’s lack of empathy is making you worse.
Autoimmune diseases are made worse by stress and the stress of the disease is hell enough. Chronic stress and the inability to say no (which is a stressor in itself) leads to a lot of confusion of physical systems since stress does have a psychoneurobiological response.
I’ve had to unexpectedly cut off a lot of people who I thought would just be more after I got sick, including family. Illness is a great mirror. Listen to your gut. You are doing such a hard thing. I hope you have 1 or 2 people in your inner circle you can truly be honest with. Lean on them. I’m so sorry, RA sucks, wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I suffered a medical emergency in January requiring surgery and a colostomy, with a possibility of cancer (which thankfully ended up false). My significant other and I have been together for 7 years. He didn’t leave my side. Please prioritize yourself and choose to let him go.
not overreacting. this is basic partner support and he’s just not showing up at all. “forgetting” for months sounds like avoidance tbh, and that’s not fair to you. honestly i’d be rethinking the relationship too..