F/late 30ies here. I've been in long-term relationships until 32, living together, pets, the whole nine yards. It was exhausting. I started therapy, learned about childhood patterns and attachment styles, about who I feel drawn to, and why. I feel healed, confident, happy as a clam.
But ever since I can't keep a relationship (if you even want to call it that) going for more than a few months.
I'm child-free and happily single, so there is not pressure for me to find a partner. But every now and then I meet someone I really like and I can't make it work. Am I the only one?
19 comments
After reading this i don’t understand why you think that you are unlovable.
Hey your not alone
Honestly, loving myself just made my standards higher… not everyone can keep up, and that’s fine.
Same. Female 32. Never been in a serious relationship. Dated a lot. Situationships. Never settled for anything less coz I love myself. Even know I feel repulsed by some guys I date coz not matching my standards. But I will not settle for.
You keep loving yourself gal. We are rare.
I’m 31F but feeling very much at peace in life on most levels. However, the more in tune I am with myself, the fewer men I genuinely feel interested in (and there already weren’t many earlier in life). I think this specific knowledge about yourself can make it harder to compromise in areas that might have been easier to gloss over prior. It’s just important to separate that from the individual problems that come up in relation to any one specific man you try to date, or any parts of you that maybe aren’t healed yet.
I don’t understand , what is the correlation between you “loving yourself” and not maintaining relationships? Did you improve on setting boundaries so put up with less stuff now? Were you chasing toxic/bad people before and are finding yourself bored in “healthy” relationships? I don’t understand why you say loving yourself is the cause of not being able to maintain a relationship?
Feel like we’re missing important info here.
Why have the relationships been short term or failed after a few months?
You should have some idea about why they’re not working out, even if you’re not told directly.
Crappy Childhood Fairy (a therapist on YouTube) explains it best. Basically you are using “healing” as avoidance. When you find someone you like, do you get the urge to run, nitpick little things about them, panic about them getting too close and ruining your happiness, or keep them at arm’s length? Solitude is a trauma response. If you feel perfectly fine alone that’s totally okay. But if you’d like a partner and you’re just struggling, then maybe next time work through the uncomfortable feelings and try to make it work longer than you normally would.
Been there. The issue is you didn’t realise you tolerated shitty behaviour previously because your esteem was low. Now you’ve put the work in, helped yourself and learnt/ hold valid boundaries, the world feels a lot smaller. It’s not because you’re doing anything wrong – you’re doing the right thing. The people you entertained before are no longer acceptable: but they never were in the first place. You just didn’t see it.
The pool has gotten smaller – that *isn’t a bad thing*.
Not unlovable…… you just can’t be bullshitted
What happens that makes relationship not work?
Yep having the exact same issue. Things just fizzle out around the 3-month mark.
I can always tell that there just isn’t enough compatability. It’s beyond frustrating.
i understand what you mean. but honestly i think it’s better to protect yourself and have high standards than to be with someone who isn’t worthy of your love.
I think people are frightened of finding something good. If there’s red flags and drama, it’s what they’re used to, but stability? That means this could turn into something REAL, and that frightens people who’ve never been in a healthy relationship.
I’ll tell you one thing, OP, I rather spend just 3 months with someone and it not work out instead of spending anymore time than that.
Coming from a very late 30s (39!) female who just wasted 15 months on someone whom I should have dropped 14 months and 29 days ago. I gave a few too many chances and it finally came to a head that he and I are in very different stages of our lives.
I have my shit together, my bills are paid, credit score is good, dogs are fed and happy, I’m self sufficient. I spent the last year with someone who had wayyyyy too much going on wrong.
But in my eyes, it’s progress. I still struggle with leaving the wrong men at the right time but I left sooner than I have in the past.
I also developed a very low tolerance for bullsh*t. I can and will compromise but as soon as repeated disrespect start happening, it’s time to go.
This isn’t exactly dating but similar: I used to accept some pretty bad treatment from my “friends.” Then I figured my shit out, cleared out the people who didn’t treat me well, and now the people I call friends are absolute gems.
This is a healthy outcome of raising standards. It filters out a lot of people who previously would have remained. Looking at my life before and after, I can see that’s a good thing.
Gli standard che hai ora potrebbero essere un pretesto per non aprirti all altro. Ci sono cose che sono insindacabili ma su altre bisognerebbe venirsi incontro. Devi capire se i consciamente stai cercando il partner perfetto o semplicemente non prendi più chiunque ti si presenta davanti.
Ever since I stopped dating and focused on myself and my friends, I haven’t even had interest in dating. My standards are so high for how I want to be treated and the kind of partner I’m looking for that I completely understand and accept that I may never fall in love again. My completely friends constantly set the bar higher in the way they treat and show up for me. I feel like if someone is to come into my life they will find me and be sure of me from day one, and I’ll never have to doubt mine or their feelings. If they never show up, I’ll be completely content and happy. There is more to love than just romance. Love is all around.
I’m 29F and also child free. I think I’m gonna start taking lovers. I don’t want to deal with the issues of relationships but I do enjoy companionship and the physical aspects of relationships
There’s a fine line between self-love and narcissism. I’m not saying you’ve crossed it, but it’s just something to keep vigilant over.