This is probably my last ditch effort to try to understand what my boyfriend is talking about. Basically we’ve been together for 5 years now. He’s 30. At the start of our relationship marriage was brought up on the very first date. I made it clear I wanted to get married at some point. He said he was open to marriage. Fast forward 3 years… I bring up marriage again. Seems like we’re doing good. He even asked me to move in. He tells me “he needs time.” I’m not exactly sure what this time he’s asking for entails. He tells me he doesn’t understand the concept of marriage. I at this point am very frustrated so I tell him I can’t do this relationship anymore. He asks that we see a pre marital therapist.
I was very against this because it felt like he was just buying time. I didn’t want to be dragged into it. I told him he needed a personal therapist. He refuses personal therapy. He tells me if I don’t do this pre martial therapy it’s me giving up on the relationship. I do it. 12 months of my life taken from me and he still has “no idea” what marriage is or why he should get married. So now we’re in year 4 and it’s fights every single day essentially because I’m beyond frustrated with him. He takes me to get sized for a ring. I calm down. It’s now been a year since getting sized for a ring. I’m over here thinking he’s going to pop the question at any time.
It never happens instead he asks to try a different form of couples therapy to figure out why he doesn’t like the idea of marriage. I tell him. I’m moving out he’s just playing with my emotions. He convinced me to do 4 sessions and he literally just spent one hour each time explaining that he just doesn’t understand. I drop out of the therapy sessions he continues with the therapist one on one. I started packing up my stuff. I’m moving out at the start of next month.
I guess I’m here to ask if there’s any man out there who can understand what he’s talking about. He keeps saying he can see himself being with me forever. He wants to have kids with me someday. He wants us to have this farm (we talked about that). He wants all these things just no marriage. He’ll say marriage is meaningless and it’s just a piece of paper. But he’s willing to let “the love of his life” walk away over something “meaningless.”
I’m not staying with him so I’m not trying to get anyone to convince me. I’m just trying to see if his logic makes any sense to anyone else on planet earth. Looking for closure mostly especially because I’m stuck in the same house with him for the next 2 weeks. I’d like to hate him less.
31 comments
He knows it’s not nothing, that’s why he’s fighting it. Recognize that he doesn’t value you enough and dump him for someone who will.
You definitely got played for at least 2 years there. There is no way to make someone understand something they actively choose to not understand.
He obviously sees marriage as meaningful. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be bothered and would just do it if he sees himself with you forever.
He’s telling you he isn’t going to marry you. So if that’s important to you, you really only have one option.
It’s all avoidance.
I don’t know if this will make you hate him less, but I may have perspective.
I was your boyfriend, except that I did individual therapy to address my aversion to marriage, and I broke up with my boyfriend within six months. Turns out, I didn’t want to be married to him. I still think that marriage is a shitty legal institution and should be reformed or replaced. But I also chose to marry my husband, since I want to be legally bound to the person I trust most in the world. I want us to have all the possible rights and privileges that let us take care of each other in emergencies and hard times. I didn’t, ultimately, feel that way about my ex.
I don’t necessarily think he’s lying to you, but I suspect that he’s lying to himself. The impact on you is the same, though.
You shouldn’t have to fight someone to love you the way you need to be loved in a forever kind of relationship. It’ll never be ok long term if it’s that way
Nah, he knows what it’s about. He just doesn’t want to get married and you keep staying so he doesn’t see a need to actually get married.
He *gets* it.
That’s why he says it’s ’just a piece of paper’ yet wasted two years doing *anything he can think of* to AVOID a ‘piece of paper’.
Side note: One of my friend’s was/is a ‘just a piece of paper’ person, so they spent thousands on an attorney to secure and draft all the documents and legal/financial/medical protections that a marriage license usually covers.
In hindsight, marriage (even a big wedding) might have been cheaper/easier as things were already really entwined by the time they realized how legally vulnerable they were.
This type of man will most likely marry some other girl after a few months of dating her only.
There are thousands of posts here on Reddit about this, women telling this exact same thing about men who lied to them and led them on and on for years, and years, and years, also, some of them having children together. After fighting for years, these women decided to end it, after doing everything possible, just like you, to make their men understand this important boundary/ necessity/ condition for a life relationship. Many, maaaany of these men did marry after that, some chicks they met, after only a few months, not one year, not years, but only after a few months, 6 months tops.
In case of an accident, if your partner ends up needing medical intervention with him being unconscious, the not married partner has no right making decisions for the love of their life and closest family member will decide (if any of them is alive).
Your partner is a selfish man knowingly stole 5 years of your life.
Choose yourself!
Yeah I’m sorry but he doesn’t want to marry you. He wants to keep things the way they are and lead you on until you give up. I’m glad you are leaving and I’m really sorry this guy wasted so much of your time. I hope you find your person soon
The truth is you know the answer and you’ve known this whole time.
Say it’s the paperwork, say it’s the ceremony. No problem, the both of you can skip all that part.
I’m going to be very controversial here.
What truly, on day to day basis, makes you a girlfriend? There’s no piece of paper clearly. And it’s not the guy asking you out. If the guy ask you out, but refers to you as “his friend” with his family, his friends, his colleagues, in the very real sense you are not his girlfriend.
And the truth is on day to day basis what makes you a wife is not the ring, nor the ceremony. My aunt and my uncle were poor when they got “married”, couldn’t afford the money for a ring or even a ceremony, did not understand enough of the language (immigrants) to do the paperwork. No matter, they just started referring to each other as “husband” and “wife”, to family, friends, colleague, customers. I don’t think anyone to this day would consider them not married.
This is the last ditch effort if you want to try…but you already know the answer. Ask him if just starting to refer to each other as husband and wife is a workable compromise.
But you know deep in your heart, it’s not.
And the reason is not different from the guy who refers to his girlfriend as “his friend” to the people around him.
The truth is “I don’t want to be tied to you in that way”.
The truth is that there are many things we expect from a husband that are not expected from a boyfriend and he doesn’t want those duty.
If a boyfriend said “My gf is having a lot of financial trouble, she might not be able to cover rent this month, I’m very worried for her” no one would bat an eye.
If a husband said “My wife is having a lot of financial trouble, she might not be able to cover rent this month, I’m very worried for her” everyone is thinking “What do you mean?..she’s your wife, you pay for rent this month that she can’t afford it”
If a boyfriend said “My gf is having a heart surgery in another state tomorrow” no one would bat an eye.
If a husband said “My wife is having a heart surgery in another state tomorrow” everyone is wondering WTF are you here and not there with your wife.
If a boyfriend said “My gf is recovering from a major surgery but feels lonely most of us can’t visit her everyday” no one would bat an eye.
If a husband said “My wife is recovering from a major surgery but feels lonely most of us can’t visit her everyday” people would go WTF you are her husband you should visit her everyday.
(Same duties go to a wife)
Leave, find someone who does want to marry you. It’s a legal agreement and protection for both sides which is why he doesn’t want it. Also he sounds the type to dangle kids in front of you until you lose your fertility.
You are young, don’t waste any more of your youth on this man. Leave now and enjoy your life, no one should be this much hard work.
Leave. I have been with my bf for 16 years. We have a child and more on the way, and bought a house together. He doesn’t want to marry me because he doesn’t love me. He told me he could have been with whoever. He just choose me because I am a loyal person. He doesn’t like me for my personality. He wants someone to cook, clean, make sandwiches for him when he comes home. Someone who does everything like his mom did so he doesn’t have to do anything but work, play computer games and go to sleep. He doesn’t do anything. I do everything. He doesn’t care that I am burned out, because he doesn’t love me. He said he even has been thinking about replacing me with someone else that is better at the “wifely duties”. I supported him economically for 10 years. After kids he makes twice what I do because I am giving up my career to do everything with and for the kids and him. I will die you g from not sleeping enough, working too hard and not caring enough about myself. He still will not marry. He only wanted kids to spread his seed. I am continuing to cook, clean and give him blowjobs. I do not want to leave and for my child to grow up in two homes. We do not fight often at all. It is just… Indifferent. We talk about his job (he talks, I listen) we watch what he wants to watch, we listen to the music he likes… I am doing stuff I like when at work. Listening to my own music, watching my own movies on the train to work. Talking to my mom about my day. She is the only one that really loved me for who I am. It sucks being in a loveless marriage. Since we are not married, if he dies first I have to sell the house and give half to the kids, meaning I will be very poor when old. Spending most money on rent and not having enough food. That is what I know will probably happen. And he does not give a f. Please leave before kids and house… Find someone who loves you for you. Even if he is broke, ugly or whatever.
He’s not sure he wants to stay with you forever but is wanting to have kids and buy property with you? It doesn’t make sense. He can just move in to the next girl and waste 5 years of her life. Good on you for finally leaving.
Oh I really feel you. I was with and married someone who wasn’t bothered for 17 years. I didn’t get the ring or the proposal of my dreams – I got a ‘shut up’ ring, and the marriage was clearly just a path of least resistance for him. I divorced him after 10 years of marriage, and I’m getting married to someone on Halloween, who proposed to me on top of a mountain with a beautiful ring he spent time and effort in finding.
There’s a sub for people, r/Waiting_To_Wed – you might find more people with a similar situation, and hear from people who have been where you are. It’s never too late to choose yourself.
You are wasting your time. You want different things. He doesn’t want to get married and you’re not going to be able to convince him.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
There’s no secret hidden logic.
You’re doing the right thing.
I know you already said you’re leaving him, which is great, so this is not advice for you, but more for anyone in a similar situation who might be lurking here: please don’t marry someone who has to be therapised into marrying you. If you need multiple people to convince your partner that they should make a commitment to you because just you wanting to be married isn’t enough, it’s not going to be a very good marriage.
My sister got married NYE this year, a sweet cermony in their garden and then we had the regular NYE party.
They already had bought a house together. This was their second house, which they had bought after their child (2M) was born.
Inheritance laws here rules, that if they weren’t married and something would happen to either of them, their assets would go to their son, including part ownership of the house they bought after his birth.
They got married for the logistical reason that if one of them would die, the other would still be able to manage their life with their now single income, without any benefits/assets getting locked down until son turns 18 except the basics that are legally his.
Your STBX is just using weaponized incompetence and willful ignorance to avoid committing to a life with you. Once you buy big assets together like property, or have children which affects inheritance orders, marriage is essential to keep things in order. Its a contract to make sure neither gets screwed over.
Girl stop it.
He’s dragging you along hoping that you leave (aka trying to force you to do martial counselling etc and making the hurdles higher each time).
Or he hopes that he clock runs out.
Here’s his point of view: this girl is great for now, she’s good looking, we have sex, she is great around the house, I don’t want to lose that, but i don’t want to marry this specific girl, but if I’m honest, she’ll leave. So let’s see how long I can avoid it coming to a head.
The benefit of having you in his life is too attentive for him to say goodbye to you. However he’s making a conscious choice to rob you of the chance of happiness when you were upfront from the beginning, that’s not how someone who loves you, acts.
Even if he actually proposed, it would be another xxx years of waiting and arguing. Find someone on the same page as you. Why marry someone you have to force?
It’s exactly what you thought it was a year ago; he’s buying time. He’s hoping if he wastes enough of your time, you’ll give up. That’s why he manipulated you last year, by saying if you chose not to do counselling, that was you giving up and not him; that’s bullshit manipulation and nothing more.
He is hoping to wear you down into giving up. Nothing more.
I’m sorry.
Fwiw, I found the love of my life when I was almost 29, and he was 32. 8 years later, and I just got back from the pool with our two kids, to him cooking us dinner. You’ve got plenty of time to find your person still.
He doesn’t want to marry you atm but he may not actually be willing to lose you over it. (Hence all the therapy attempts to keep you around). Be prepared to stick to your guns in a few weeks when suddenly he offers a shut up ring. This boy should piss off and stay gone.
Don’t let your boyfriend prevent you from finding your husband. This guy does not want to marry you and he has shown this at every step. I presume his IQ level is high enough to understand what marriage entails, or you likely would not be dating him to begin with. Stop eating up all his excuses and move on with your life.
Hey, I’m SO SORRY about the crap you’re going through. Though you could have wasted a LOT more time and money on him and his future faking. Life is LONG.
If he does pop a surprise proposal – at this point there’s no shame in not giving him an answer just to see his surprised pikachu face when you still move out. Like, buddy, a relationship isn’t a means to ease your financial burden.
Different, but on the “confused” note – I have a friend whose husband just ended it, won’t leave their shared accomodation (both on lease, she can afford it and he can’t on his own) and has been dragging her through months and months of couples therapy (they were already in therapy for a couple years together) because he’s “confused” and “scared”. He’s passing up apartments that are perfect for him because he doesn’t know what to do. I guarantee it’s because he’s broke and she isn’t. It’s so messed up.
Guys like this usually end up married to the next gf. It’s not that he didn’t understand marriage, he just didn’t want to be married to you.
Thank goodness you got out, sad that you lost so many years on him.
I as a 42 year old male also feel as if marriage is a stupid institution. I don’t believe you should need a piece of paper to prove that you love someone. Other than tax benefits, marriage is pointless to me. BUT, I still married my wife because she wanted to. And she didn’t have to force me to, I knew it was what she wanted, so we got married. And I was happy to do it because she was happy.
Your boyfriends unwillingness to even consider it even though it means a lot to you, means you don’t mean much to him.
You should leave. He won’t change his mind.
He’s lying. What doesn’t he understand? It’s not even a convincing lie. He just doesn’t want to marry you.
The fact that he’s said he’d have kids with you (as if that’s a lesser commitment!) tells me that the reason he doesn’t want to get married is probably money. Some men believe that if they ever get divorced, they’ll have to give their wives everything. When they want to instead be able to walk away anytime and leave you with nothing.
To not be married leaves you completely unprotected legally, financially, even medically. Especially if you do have kids and end up having to give up your job to look after them. *That’s* the bloody point in marriage!
This man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care about protecting you. He doesn’t even care about making you happy. No matter how good some parts of your relationship are, that’s the real truth of it.
Don’t waste any more of your time. Don’t let him keep convincing you to stay because of what you know are lies. Even if he did propose at this point, it wouldn’t be because he wanted to marry you. It would only be to stop you leaving. Please love and respect yourself more than he does. This is not what you deserve.
And if you need further convincing, head over to the Waiting to Wed subreddit. But be prepared to be fucking depressed…
Would you even want to marry him at this stage???
If it’s ’just a piece of paper’ he wouldn’t be fighting for his life to avoid it.
Sorry this happened OP, he’s led you up the garden path for 2years *at least*. Well done leaving. I hope you find your person 🫂
In my experience most men don’t think they want to get married/understand marriage until they meet the person they want to marry. Someone will want to marry you for sure but he cant do it with this guy in the way