Why am I so unsatisfied with life? I’m 17 M and I’ve been feeling this constant dread and unsatisfaction in my life since I was about 9 years old. I can’t really explain why, I don’t hate anybody, nor am I depressed. I have a couple of people who would call me their “friend”, but I don’t see them as such, I can’t feel a bond with anyone at all, almost as if I was alienated from the world. I’ve been trying to make my life better by working out and enjoying “the small things in life”, joining clubs, going out… at one point I’ve found about the “primal diet” (one that I’m still on right now) and shit like that and convinced myself that I was just missing bacteria, but it just didn’t cut it. It was never enough. Matter of fact, I barely feel like a human being at all, I can’t feel like the people around me and I are even the same species. To make things worse I’m also kinda struggling with a spiritual warfare. I’ve converted to Christianity some years ago after what I would describe as an “enlightenment”, maybe I’m too ambitious, but even after that life doesn’t just feel “enough”. Recently I’ve got sort of a weird obsession with gnosis, I want to discover the absolute truth of the world, something that goes beyond enlightenment itself and i key to understanding divine nature. I’ve quit everything and I’m spending my days rotting in my room reading books all day, I've got into basic theology and metaphysics hoping to find said “gnosis”, knowing it won’t happen. I've also got fixated with freedom, but i don't really feel like explaining it right now, but my final verdict is how death will be as close as a human being can get to be free.
I’m just typing what comes to my mind right now and English isn’t my main language so I might edit later