This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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28 comments
How difficult is it to date as a man if I can’t contribute much to conversations. I do ask questions but I’m quite introverted and my life doesn’t provide many stories.
I see a lot of discourse online about how much first dates should cost vs who should pay, etc etc.
If you normally pay for first dates (not split the bill), what is your budget target?
As a woman dating men, I don’t expect a man to shell out $100-$150 for dinner and drinks. I live in a high cost of living area, and an entree is $20-$30. I will say I don’t usually order a drink, I prefer water anyway. I also am fine just getting coffee or what have you, I am not too picky about the date ideas suggested to me.
I also say this because we all know that many people often date multiple people at once until they find a good potential partner. I just can’t imagine shelling out $200 a week if I go on two dates, for instance.
Am I low balling myself here? Or is this just my non-profit job/salary shading my view.
Just curious about how people think about dating + spending, particularly as I think a lot of us here are dating around, we aren’t all spending on a tried and true partner. TIA for your insights!
I hadn’t had a relationship since college since I was just focusing on work and other things, so I feel awkward getting back into it now.
I went on a first date with a woman about two weeks ago and I think we connected well, but I was nervous and didn’t escalate touch so we just hugged, but looking back I think there were signs I only noticed recently. She texted me right after that she had fun and we both want to go on a second. Due to her job, we probably have to wait a few more weeks until then, which I understood and is reasonable given what she does. Since then, she’s initiated texting with me a lot, and we’ll go back and forth over a few hours.
I guess there are two things bothering me: 1) the balance of avoiding seeming either disinterested vs needy, and 2) not quite knowing how escalate things naturally since the landscape of dating in thirties is so different from college.
Maybe it feels weird to think like this after just a first date, but I think I connected a lot better with her than others.
Just put in a PTO request for a vacation with some friends…who are all couples. Forget third wheel, I may be a ninth wheel that week
Everyone says not to date someone who’s fresh out of a divorce… I agree… but I’ve been seeing someone who is separated and working on the divorce, for the past year or so. And it’s complicated and there are kids. While I worry that he might break my heart, I think he’s way too attached to me to ever break it off. We’re trauma-bonded. Any thoughts on how this might play out?
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Met up with this guy yesterday and it was great! I’m just trying to keep myself grounded though because I could definitely see myself getting stupid over this guy. My most recent ex still has a chokehold on my physical attraction in a way – I used to be much more open to men of all colors, creeds, shapes and sizes and now I definitely get disappointed when I meet up with men who aren’t a physical match to my ex. But this guy is and I can already feel my emotions/nervous system(?) trying to put him on a pedestal and adjust myself just so he’ll be into me. Any help on keeping my cool is appreciated lol.
I’m a little worried I could be repeating a pattern: being attracted to men who have a high level of separation so that the relationship has to go slow/be limited/can’t progress without my full participation. I separated from my ex-husband in 2024, finalized the divorce in 2025, and had a really intense short-term relationship with a hard out (he was moving) in the summer of 2025. I learned a lot from my dating experiences last year, but took a pause after that breakup until spring this year.
I am now getting more and more involved with this guy who travels to my area for business. In talking through my current dating mindset with a friend, I said that I feel guilty for not having a ton of time to date (1 weekend night, plus phone calls after my kid is in bed). Off the cuff, I said who would want to date that besides really busy career men. She did a good job of pushing back and saying that there’s no reason to self-reject — it’s on the person I’m dating to say if the time I have to offer is or is not enough to meet their needs.
All this is to say that as someone who tends to over-analyze and stay in my thinking instead of my feelings, I was surprised to connect guilt with the logistical reasoning for why I’ve gone for super busy career people. I feel jealous of people who get to date in a different way – no childcare planning, sleeping over whenever they want, going to the gym together, basic weeknight stuff. I love being a mom, and being a single mom has so many upsides compared to the household dynamic with my ex, but I’m getting to the point of truly wanting a best friend and partner again. I feel I could be setting myself up for failure by entertaining thoughts of a long-term future with this guy. It’s still super early, so I need to rein that thinking in anyway. Just wanted to share for any other divorced or single parent daters out there trying to sort through their own patterns.
The guy and I decided to start a band for fun. He’s really into making and recording music, and I like singing. The way his eyes lit up when I asked him to show me how to use Garage Band on my phone so I could mess around with it…so cute! It’s fun sharing our interests with each other.
I got my first pen pal 🥹 why do people do this? Lol I have already lost interest in him and don’t even remember why we started talking on Hinge.
Every time I visit the daily sticky the comments always outweigh the likes.
Come on people; show the sub some love and give it an upvote.
First date last night, wasn’t really expecting much as communication leading up to it was different (to me), but in a good way— no mindless chitchat, and set a date, and she followed through
Vibes were good, and convo flowed. Felt like we could’ve easily closed the bar down if it wasn’t a Tuesday night. Walked her to her car, she gave me a deep hug and thanked me for dinner+drinks.
I haven’t been feeling too hot mentally and physically lately for multitude of reasons but it felt good making someone smile. She travels a lot for work (leaving this weekend) so maybe in a couple weeks we’ll go out for cocktails and a walk (assuming I’m not completely misreading the situation again 😅)
Saw a social post with a woman trying to schedule a dinner date with someone. She suggested some moderate restaurants ($20-30 entrees).
He replied, paraphrasing, “you have expensive taste. Those are girlfriend restaurants, not first date options. I do not want to set the bar too high and get used as a foodie call.”
Foodie Call 😂😂😂😂😂. That is a bar.
[no one is using him for $30 dinners]
Also, can someone please make a foodie call dating app. Instead of matching with people, you match with dinner dates. If the date is a bust at least you went to the spot you wanted to try. :D.
I(29M) just came back from a vacation last Saturday and one thing I realized was that I was the only solo traveller there. This was an adult resort so 80% of people were couples, 19.98% were in a friend group and 0.01%(literally the minority and prob a lot less than 0.01) were solo travellers aka me.
Which brings me to my point that. I’m grateful that I was able to go on this trip but I’m always the minority, like I’m always the one that is always different from everyone. I was the only one who never got married from my high school, I was the only one who took time to actually focus on my education and career where as others people and now are living a better life than me. It sucks a lot being a odd one out.
Ladies, if a guy has a high paying job do you expect them to pay for more than the first couple of dates?
Had a really weird conversation the other day. We’ve been seeing each other for about 12 weeks, however we had a lot of travel in between with both of us going on long trips – so our “in person” dating time has been only about 6 weeks. We maintained strong communication while we were apart, and have been exclusive pretty much since the beginning (though we only said it explicitly about 5 weeks ago)
I kind of assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend since our exclusivity talk…I don’t really get how you can be exclusive and not in a relationship. When I brought this up a few days ago though, he was reluctant to say that and said we hadn’t had enough in-person time to make that decision. He reiterated that he wanted to date me and didn’t want to date anyone else, but said there were conversations we needed to have before the label (like politics) and he would prefer to wait a couple weeks.
I was really taken aback and honestly I’m kind of peeved. He has been, and continues to be, very kind and caring and an excellent…partner or whatever he is to me…but ever since our conversation I have this small nagging feeling of unease.
Can anyone give me some perspective one way or another? He got a big promotion at work that becomes official next month and I had originally planned a special weekend trip to celebrate but now I feel weird about it if I’m not his “girlfriend”. I also don’t feel comfortable bringing up the exclusivity conversation again given that I brought it up last time and he shut me down, so is the right move to just wait until he does?
I was recently in a relationship where I allowed myself to be strung along for nearly a year in this fashion so I feel like part of my issue is stemming from that, even though he has displayed none of the red flag behavior that other guy did, I think I’m on high alert and I want to know if I’m being unfair.
It just sucks feeling this way because I otherwise like him so much and we have such great chemistry and so much fun together.
Talking with and setting up a first date with three women from Hinge who so far have shown consistent, fun, and flirty communication. Ladies, more of this please!
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This made me laugh https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8gyLaBN/
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Damn, I guess I am moving further and further away from dating becoming an actual possibility.
I bought a house, not quite voluntarily, and spent the last weeks renovating it. It is in the suburbs, technically closer to my work, but practically even further out in the sticks than my current place. When walking around the town there, taking the bus or the train, I’m noticing that the only people I’m seeing are middle-aged married couples and school children.
I can already hear the crickets for when I falter and stupidly try the apps again. But who am I kidding, it wouldn’t change much at all. I barely met any woman who is single since high school. I’m just so ridiculously behind on this stuff…
I want to dump every little detail of my dates here but I’m too scared of the guys I went on dates with finding my account if I’m too specific lol.
Anyway a different question. So I’m going to this comedy show with my friend who’s been occasionally flirty and I’ve been trying to keep distance because his affectionate/flirty tendencies have been confusing to me but it seems like he is not interested in more based on things he’s said. Nevertheless, I agreed to go to this show, possibly shouldn’t have but it is what it is
A part of me wants to ask if he wants to get dinner before the show and catch up. I enjoy hanging out with him and haven’t seen him in a few weeks. The downside is that it will probably not be good for me in terms of the whole keeping distance, not getting hurt thing.
A few people told me i should be clear that his behavior is confusing, which I will bring up for sure if it comes up. But also adding dinner into the mix is a bad idea, right? Part of me is like “but it’ll be fun I like hanging out with him” and another part of me is like “girl why are you making this situation worse for yourself.”
The other day my ex-husband went off about how I looked ugly in my work glasses. Today when I picked our daughter up, he bragged about how “protective” he is of me and that if we were still together we’d have “a better lifestyle.” Apologized on his own for insulting me and said that the glasses actually look kinda cute (they do). About how good he’s doing “as a man” and how it’s “insane” that he’s single. Called me hot and a good mom. Had to cut him off and redirect the subject back to our kids and summer plans for them.
1. I make about double what he does, my lifestyle really wouldn’t change with his income pooled in, his lifestyle would (He’s financially fine, I didn’t leave him destitute).
2. The “insult to lower self-esteem and then apologize to imitate bonding” cycle worked on me at 23, not at 30. I’m human and have flaws, but I’m cute and overall pretty great and I shan’t be convinced otherwise.
Dude doesn’t even like me, he just wants money and sex, we have nothing in common and he could not have tried harder to get out of date nights I’d arrange when we were married, so this is extra annoying. Co-parenting is fun.
Checking the gym class today as we’re trying to restart our gym era ritual. Sadly, the barre was taken off from the schedule, and I can’t seem to find the instructor in the system either. A bit of heartbreak for us
After a short break for holidays, I’ve two first dates scheduled for the coming days. (And therapy, also).
Though I’m not necessary very excited at this point, it should be nice moments.
Also I’ve been thinking about my ex today, and I really miss having someone to love.
I kinda realised I may have messed up.
So when my last relationship ended I explored a lot of self-therapy because I’d never been broken up with before in a long-term relationship, at least not in a relationship where the break-up actually hurt rather than it being a relief.
I haven’t actually had that many adult relationships. Three in total and with two of them, when they ended it was a damn relief. Also in the first one I was barely a child when we got together.
I think where I went wrong is that all the breakup self-therapy guides and the like were like “Well that person wasn’t for you.” and sure, I realise the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us. Both had our fair share of issues and when we moved in together, it all became too much. We also both struggled with our mental health while we were together.
I was dating too soon following a very abusive relationship and she had problems of her own that obviously I’m not gonna get into here.
Guides I’d follow would be stuff [like this](https://youtu.be/3CeUzycW8Ms?si=5RIhFuVZSkop92iJ) where it seems to focus more on the idea of “It’s okay, work on yourself and eventually someone else will come along but make sure you put in the work first.” it doesn’t treat a relationship as a “reward” for the work you put in but it’s the idea I think of the break-up not being the end of the world because if you do put in the work, someone else will come along anyway.
So you can’t fall apart over it.
But I’m starting to think that this idea of the other person coming along isn’t going to happen for me. And sure, I’m in a good place in my life with my platonic friendships and my career and other things. I do have a lot going for me right now.
I’ve put in the work. A lot of my friends would agree with that.
But I guess I never figured out how to deal with that break-up if this idea of the other person just didn’t work out for me?
And yeah. I kinda handled that break-up (and it was really bad) because I believed that it wasn’t the end, because I believed someone else would see me.
And right now, that doesn’t feel possible. I’m being seen, but by people I know are bad for me.
I didn’t expect her to be my last ever relationship. That’s all.
Argh. I feel like I am constantly criticizing my partner in the hopes that it will be a mirror that allows him to see himself clearly, and to change in the ways I want him to change. I hate it, I feel like a monster bitch. I want to be the best partner I can to him, and lift him up, and if I can’t without needing him to change, then it sounds like I might have my answer. And if I do break up with him, knowing this might be the kindest thing in the long run, I want to make sure I treat him with so much kindness, so I have no regrets looking back on the relationship.
Context: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1skdeda/comment/ofyjp3i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1skdeda/comment/ofyjp3i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)