I (20F) have been talking to a guy (25M) for about 4 months. We live in different states, so we’ve never met in person (it would be a 4–6 hour flight).

From an emotional/personality standpoint, he is everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s kind, empathetic, introspective, consistent, and makes me feel understood in a way I’ve never experienced before. I’m usually quite sceptical and tend to notice flaws quickly, but with him I couldn’t find any. I genuinely admire him as a person.

The issue is that I don’t feel physically attracted to him. Whenever the topic of looks came up, I felt awkward because I knew I didn’t feel that way.

Another factor is that I wasn’t looking for a relationship to begin with. Before him, I had intentionally stopped talking to guys to focus on myself. I have a busy life and struggle with executive dysfunction, so I didn’t feel like I had the capacity to invest in someone. I only replied to his message initially because I was sick and bored (despite not answering a single message besides his and for months) and it unexpectedly turned into something deeper.

Over time, we became very emotionally close (talking almost every night, being each others comfort space), and I realised I had become quite attached and somewhat emotionally dependent, which I didn’t feel was healthy for me.

A few days ago, I ended things for two main reasons:

1.  I still don’t want a relationship right now and want to focus on myself.

2.  I’m not physically attracted to him, and I didn’t think it was fair to continue something that might lead to issues later, especially if we met and that feeling didn’t change.

He’s a really good person, and I know I hurt him. I’m also hurting more than I expected.

Am I being shallow for ending it partly because I’m not physically attracted to him, even though the emotional connection was so strong?

TL;DR: I (20F) ended things with a guy (25M) I had a strong emotional connection with because I’m not physically attracted to him and don’t want a relationship right now. Am I shallow?


13 comments

  2. Hello!

    I don’t think it makes you shallow cuz everyone is different on that part. Some can date people they’re not physically attracted to and some can’t and that’s fine. But also, if you were not ready to date someone, that’s also a valid reason to end a relationship even though you love him. It’s better to do it as early as possible cuz it’s just the right decision for the both of you.

  3. Honestly are you being shallow, I mean yeh a little but at the same time you feel like it was unfair to him which is very mature.

  4. Youre not being shallow, its totally okay (and makes sense) to not be in a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to!

  5. Aah, I feel for you.  One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was a finish with the loveliest guy, for exactly this reason. 

    He still pops into my head sometimes, and I really hope he’s happy with the best life, because he was such a lovely person! 

    However, I also know he wasn’t the person for me.

    Let him go so that he can find a person who appreciates all facets of him.

    I personally don’t think you’re shallow.

  6. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone.. you’re not attracted to him and that’s your preference. With the combination of wanting to focus on yourself (good decision, you’re young) and not being attracted to him, this was for the best.

    You are not shallow for having preferences despite what anyone might tell you.

  7. Strong emotional connection isn’t always a key factor to keep the relationship going. If the bond is something more than that, the look doesn’t matter that much. Turns out he just might not be “your human”. Also I don’t think you’re shallow. If you were, you wouldn’t be wondering like that.

  8. I wouldn’t say shallow cause in the end it’ll be your preference. But ending it is a great choice for both of you, on your side you can be more focused on yourself and pursue what you want and for his side, he can avoid getting hurt even more.

  9. Ended it? You never started. Never-met relationships are basically just fantasies.

  11. Why would you settle for someone your not attracted to? Attraction is a really important part of a relationship.

    Also, how do you think he’d feel finding out years later that you were never actually into him? No one wants to be the personality hire.

  12. No, you have to be true to yourself. Besides, you are only 20 years old and should give yourself time to explore what you’re really wanting from a partner. But instead of cutting him off completely, maybe a heart to heart talk about how you really don’t feel ready for a relationship could have allowed you two to remain friends.

  13. No it is not shallow. Imagine someone was feeling this way about you. Isn’t attracted to you but you’re nice enough so they are asking Reddit what to do.

Leave a Reply