I'm not angry at the world or bitter or lonely. I have friends that I occasionally see or keep in touch with. I'm just unbothered with being alone.
I do have my "old man shakes fist at sky" moments. But I'm 42. You live long enough, it becomes easier to recognize that a lot of people are dumber than you thought or are just not worth your energy.
My friend thinks that last part is a problem, though. That you can learn not to give a fuck *too well* — to the point that you give too little fucks.
I dunno, man, I think this is really normal. Maybe not common. But normal.
But…this *is* normal, right?
37 comments
Here’s an original copy of /u/does_this_have_HFC’s post (if available):
I’m not angry at the world or bitter or lonely. I have friends that I occasionally see or keep in touch with. I’m just unbothered with being alone.
I do have my “old man shakes fist at sky” moments. But I’m 42. You live long enough, it becomes easier to recognize that a lot of people are dumber than you thought or are just not worth your energy.
My friend thinks that last part is a problem, though. That you can learn not to give a fuck *too well* — to the point that you give too little fucks.
I dunno, man, I think this is really normal. Maybe not common. But normal.
But…this *is* normal, right?
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At 42, you’re close enough in age to Gen X to have received some of our traits. A lot of us have been the way you describe since Day 1.
Meh I’m 42 and I’m busy with work and kids.
I’m happy enough, don’t socialise with friends much and don’t miss it. I’m sure when the kids get older I might get out again more.
Some people are just a bit more insular. I don’t want to be a socialite and be chilling with a wide variety of people, my own company is fine when the family have all gone to bed in the evenings…
You might be a fellow Schizoid. Nothing wrong with that.
I’m 39 and I don’t associate with alot of people outside of acquaintances type talk. For me to Many people are just angry and chronically online and wanna fight about anything. Hard pass I’ll just say my ” hi how’s so and so and go on about my day
Looking at the state of the world now and how people are behaving sometimes, being able to not give a fuck is a blessing and definitely not a problem
I am a 37M. Nearing 38 soon this month. I have felt this way forever. I enjoy my peace and solitude and do not need the validation nor the attention of others to feel good or comfortable about myself. Even with a wife and son and a relatively large family. I just don’t have any interest in people in general.
I think your friend might be projecting. I had a friend do that before, he’s no longer my friend. Some people can’t stand being alone, others don’t mind it. I’m annoyed by people that hate solitude and then try to make that my reality. Buzz off. I’m 41.
I’m 36 and married and feel this way. Lately, it has been a struggle and some days it feels like I’m closer to a cross roads or threshold moment- a decision that needs to be made- for my life.
You’re good. Just be polite or professional when needed.
Totally normal. I’ve never felt the need for external validation. And haven’t really bothered trying to date since my divorce. My mom thinks I’ll end up becoming a hermit, but jokes on her because I like the sound of that lol. Fr tho, I have enough casual friends to where I don’t feel lonely. And even then I only see them once every 2 or 3 months at most. I’d probably be fine to date again at some point, but I’m in no rush because I enjoy my solitude.
My dad lives a hermits life for the last 30 plus years. My aunt has never had an so. It’s ok to be alone
Honestly, I would look into why you hold these limiting beliefs about people. My advice is to not fall into trap thinking, which you could be and may lead to some regret down the line by missing out on time and opportunities with people. I’m not sure if you have kids or a family, but if you do it’s easy to get lost in that life and pretend it’s forever. Then your kids grow up and you realize you didn’t build anything for yourself, no friend group no support network.
Give life a chance to show you that people are more than just annoying or a chore. I promise you will be rewarded with rich experiences
I can understand you. I ditched three very long-term friends and my best friend died all within a four year time period. I don’t communicate with my brother sister or mother because they ride the Trump train and I can’t reconcile myself to the fact that they’re not good people. So essentially I don’t have any friends except my dogs and my hubby. It’s cool.
Yes, you discover that many people are not worth your time. Take that energy and double down on the few who are.
They said Reagan was friendly without friends. My dad, brothers and me are the same. Maybe it’s an Irish thing. A couple of my ancestral names have died out because the men never married. I’ve always been a loner but have always been happy. So it’s normal for me. Have been happily married for 30 years tho.
I think being social is very important even if you dont like it. we are human but we are also mammals and I think we need connection even if we dont want it. just like anything its best to do certain things in moderation, being a recluse is one. youre 42 and you have friends that care about you. youre extremely lucky because I know younger people that dont have that and older people that have lost that. Enjoy your company but also enjoy those of your friends as much you’re able to.
I wasted too many years thinking that surrounding myself with people was the way to go.
What happens is I spend all of my time trying to juggle everyone else’s crap while mine piles up and god forbid I get any help. At the end of the day everyone goes home happy but me.
So yes. I think you’re normal.
You’re fine. I’m 47 and do the same.
You can both be right.
It’s somewhat natural for introverts especially to shrink our circle of friends.
Your friend is also right that if you close off too much you become an island. You run the risk of becoming the nice old man next door who died last week only no one noticed. His cat ate his eyeballs.
There is always the chance that your retreat is driven by hurt and pain that you’re avoiding dealing with. And that might be what your friend is most worried about.
Maybe have a few sessions with a therapist to gauge where you really are and what’s motivating it.
Totally normal. That’s where I’m at too. Focus on those worth of your attention. Only thing to watch out for is to assume everyone is shit. So don’t shut out everyone by default as you don’t know them until you get to know them.
I don’t want or need the interaction of others, except my spouse. When I do interact I am always courteous and respectful, if somewhat brief.
I’ve always been content alone, even in my younger days when I’d see friends multiple times a week (I’m now in my 40s, happily married with kids). I like seeing my friends, talking to people I like, family, etc., but I can go without it for a **really** long time. It’s like once my social battery is full, it takes a long time to deplete enough for me to think “I really should interact with people”.
There’s likely introversion/extraversion at play, plus having 2 hyper-verbal, energetic (and frequently argumentative!) kids – after a run of dealing with them all I want/need is just…silence, not having to go anywhere, do anything, only be responsible for myself, etc.
I don’t think there’s anything at all unhealthy about being happy alone. Yes it’s worth being aware of not tipping into social isolation, but then what’s the right amount of fucks to give? A lot of people are a pain in the backside, or take too much effort to deal with, or simply that there’s not enough benefit to interacting with people. Everyone’s different.
Of course we have no way of knowing if you’re way more isolated than you think you are, and your friend is noticing side effects that you’re not, or if it’s just that your friend is more outgoing (or even needy) and given they might feel miserable if alone for too long, they just can’t comprehend that anyone might be happy that way.
I’m now 73. In my life I had a large circle of friends. At 58 I went through a divorce. Living alone in an apartment I did a lot of reflection. I realized I had all those friends because I always initiated the dinners and get togethers. Once I stopped the number of “friends” dropped significantly. The remaining folks would reach out to me and I to them and they really are true friends.
When you’re young, most people want to be ‘liked’, but when you get older you realise you don’t really care about being liked by strangers.
https://preview.redd.it/w8aqmd9iykug1.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=cc4d684d94f84d627ffde107256c9493d435fdda
The longer I live, the less I care about the outer circles. I think this might be just a measure of maturing. Once you reach maturity, you start to prioritise who you give your time to. Now that I’m nearing sixty, I become more frugal with spending my time on people I consider unworthy of my time.
I’m turning 60 this year. I’ve worked in retail for 40 of those years, in the beginning mostly swing shift and graveyard shifts. Lost touch with 99% of friends during this time. Got married and had kids. While they were growing up I worked mostly swing shift. But do you know who I got to socialize with? My kids. They had Not a day of day care, i took care of them every day. To me that was worth having pretty much zero friends. I’ll never regret that and have so many memories. And I think I have a much better bond with them. So now that they’re grown, I’ve cultivated friendships with a few guys in the same boat. I’ve really never needed any friends I’m happy in my alone time. I’ve also been remodeling my house for the past four years and have had zero time for anything else.
42, very similar. Except I love having the neighbors over, doing a bit of socializing, and then having them leave to be alone.
Some folks are absolutely worth investing time and energy in. A lot though you’ll find are better kept on the other side of the door. Less about how dumb they may or may not be, more about how their maturity and behavior.
I think your situation is sort of normal. You’re more confident in yourself, so you’re choosy and thus happy with your choices.
On the surface, I’m similar to you – 47, fine being alone, can see patterns in people, etc. But I’ve also spent most of my life in a socially rejected state. So in those rare moments when I do meet some one I want to know, I’m kind of needy as hell. I do my best not to show it, but it is flailing about in me.
I hope to be closer to your state once I find “my people” and feel more accepted.
I’m much the same.
Mainly since some bereavements.
Got almost no interest in socialising or much else either.
Most of my interests just evaporated.
I think it might be part of the ageing process, or a part of grief. Or perhaps both.
46. Right there with you.
friends that you see “occasionally” how occasionally we talking
if you are single, well that is a bad adaptive strategy for the rest of your life
if you are partnered and raising kids, well i guess understandable having less time, but still not ideal for the whole happiness thing
Let’s put it this way, I am doing the same thing and i am super depressed 😉 Not normal for me
TBH I often feel like the whole “I give no fucks” thing is performative and over-used too often. At some point, to paraphrase someone smarter than me, “the man doth protest too much.”
That said, I don’t think there’s anything whatsoever wrong with just going with the flow as friendships expand and contract. At 57 my social life is pretty great and right where I want it, a good balance of family, friends, colleagues, and alone time.
What HAS happened to my social circle over the last few years is that I have my old friends, I enjoy meeting new ones, but there’s just sort of this third group of people (husbands of my wife’s friends, parents of our kids’ friends from years ago, the random neighbor) that I no longer really prefer to spend time with. At most I’d see them once a year or maybe twice but now it’s like…why bother. If I cared more I’d reach out more.
It’s normal but can easily turn into a bad trend. Speaking from personal experience. My MEH outlook was fine in my 40s but now that I am nearing 60, it’s becoming problematic, even though I still feel personally fine with it.
Pick a lane
You can’t not care what people think and also be worried about what’s “normal”
LOCK IN
It’s like what John Marston said, “We all need friends, we die alone but we live amongst men.”
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve definitely outgrown a lot of friends, as we all do, but I also think it’s important to pick up more along the way.
I think your right to be unbothered alone, but I also think it’s important to pour into your relationships. There’s a lot of science out there that says being lonely flat out isn’t good for you.
I think you have a good friend. I don’t know whether it’s the case for you but it is absolutely possible to give to few fucks. Whilst it makes you immune to disappointment, it also dampens life’s highs as well, so you just live a flat existence. It’s like playing a game with the intention of pursuing a stalemate, because you know if you do that you wont lose. Personally I feel like lifes highs are worth chasing.
I’m 46 and have pretty much no daily contact with people other than email and here on Reddit.
During the pandemic, I went 18 months continuously without seeing another human being and it was totally fine.
I forget where I heard this analogy, might have been in a stand-up routine. If anyone knows please chime in so they can be credited:
But it’s like we’re born with a field of fucks to give. And each year as we age, some of those fucks die, and we have fewer to give. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for things demanding my fucks to give.