I marked NSFW because I mention sex. I'll try to keep this short but I have so much on mind right now.
My boyfriend and I will have our 3 year anniversary in June.
At the beginning of our relationship, we had sex nearly every chance we got, so probably 3-4 times a week.
Things stayed like that until a little over a year ago when we moved in together.
Moving in was stressful, we had shitty roommates, and my boyfriend was starting a new job, so | assumed things slowed down because of the stress life was throwing at us. However, over time, things only got worse.
In September we tound an apartment we could rent. No roommates, nice area, and affordable. I thought things might start to get better. However things slowed down to where we're now having sex maybe once a month. I've tried prying a bit before. Asking if he wanted me to try initiating more, if I was doing he didn't like, etc. every time he told me he was just stressed or tired.
Flash forward to a few days ago, and we're laying in bed together just cuddling and talking. He then told me he was unhappy. I asked him "Why? What are you unhappy with?" He responded saying he wanted to tell me but he didn't want to hurt me, so I told him to just say it. He said
"I'm unhappy with our bedroom life" I asked him why again and he responded with "I don't want to hurt you" again. So I asked if I was doing something wrong. He is my first everything so all my experience is with him, and I wouldn't know unless he told me. He responded "No you're not doing anything wrong, I love how you touch me"
Now for context, I'm 5'7 and was 135lbs when him and I met. Sure, I wasn’t skin and bones, but I was in the midst of an eating disorder that did irreparable damage to my body. After a few months of dating, I realized that maybe I didn’t have to thin in order to be loved. I ended up recovering from that illness and getting to a more sustainable 150. About a year later though, something personal happened and I ended up with a binge eating disorder, as well as a drinking problem. My weight skyrocketed to over 210. I became incredibly self conscious. My New Year’s resolution was to get better. I quit drinking and stopped binge eating. I’ve also been doing a lot of physical work. Although I’m still obese by bmi standards, I’ve been seeing the scale slowly drop and my waist shrink. I was starting to feel good about myself.
Which is why it hurt so much when I asked “is it because I gained weight?” And he said “yes”.
I wanted to scream and cry so I got in my car, drove to an empty church parking lot, and did just that. He ended up texting me saying that it wasn’t necessarily my weight he was unhappy with, but that my ass isn’t big enough. That made me cry even harder. I sat in that parking lot for 4 hours until my best friend was free to talk. I drove to her house and ended up spending the night there. She told me I should just break up with him. That I should take his previous offer of him buying me a bbl and leave him once it was done. Which wasn’t much help.
I came home the next day just to lay in bed and cry all day. My boyfriend and I ended up talking and he apologized saying he loved me and he shouldn’t have said those things. But the problem is, he did. And he said them because he thought them. I asked him how long he’s felt that way and he said “a few months” though I suspect it’s been longer than that.
Since then, he’s been nothing but sweet. Constantly telling me loves me, kissing my face, burying his face in my neck with every hug, etc. He’s even tried getting me my favorite candy and tried to take me to the store to get things for my fish keeping hobby. However, it all feels so fake at this point. I mean before all of this I could barely get a conversation out of him without him getting annoyed with me. The sudden change in attitude feels like some kind of ditch effort to keep me from leaving.
I just don’t know how to proceed. It all hurts. I need an outside perspective on this.
I’m sorry this post is so long. It’s hard to decide what’s relevant to the story and what’s not.
TLDR: Boyfriend of almost 3 years told me he’s unhappy with our sex life because I gained weight and/or my ass isn’t big enough. Has been acting super sweet since but it feels fake/forced.