I’m turning 30 soon and getting married. I never really thought I’d get old or get married. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about death in a way I never really did before.
When I was younger, it always felt far away like I had plenty of time to figure life out. Not that I’m not settled in life or whatever, but now it feels more real, and I catch myself thinking about what death is actually like, or what (if anything) comes after. It’s hard to wrap my head around, and the uncertainty bothers me. I mean I’m know I’m not dying or terminally ill or something but it’s inevitable.
I’ve tried reading about near death experiences, but I’m not sure what I believe. Part of me wishes someone could just experience it and come back with a clear answer. Hell I even tried seeing a shrink, but I guess I really didn’t get the answers I was looking for.
For those of you who are older did you go through something like this? How do you make peace with the idea of your own mortality, if that’s even possible?
38 comments
What other choice do I have?
Either live a life and enjoy it and die, or spend my days worrying and die anyway. I am still scared of like dying young and leaving my wife and kids behind but we dont get to pick when our time’s up. Just gotta make it count. I went through this at 30 too. I cant say Im not scared but Im more at peace with it.
I just don’t think about it. It terrifies me too. Had a year or two where I spiraled and now I just don’t think about it.
Have you had people in your life die (yet)? I don’t have a premise here, just wondering if that’s impacted your thoughts.
Yeah I think about it every so often. More of a reminder to just live my life on my own terms and do whatever the hell I want but to also live with the best of intentions. My Mom and Dad both died in 2023 at 65 & 66 years old. Worked their ass off their entire life to not even enjoy it while they could. Life ain’t worth stressing over, it certainly won’t follow me when I’m dead.
Life is long if you know how to live.
By that, I mean, accepting it is short, and that is what gives it meaning. It is precisely the things and actions you pursue, over others, that make it what it is.
Don’t obsess over the scale, obsess over what you can balance on the scale.
I think we all just have to laugh at it. We live an absurd existence so embrace the absurdity. The only thing someone can never take away from you is how you face death. Embrace it with a laugh and with courage. But maybe first treat life the exact same way.
Its not mortality that is the big concern, its more living longer than I wish to with poor health, not being able to do the things I love to do, not being able to enjoy things I like without being in pain. And as for life after death, oh please no. This life was quite enough to deal with, I don’t want another.
43 with 3 kids and I have been freaking out about this recently.
Honestly I don’t have an answer. It’s terrifying.
It’s always healthy to be aware that we won’t be here forever. That way we can live the best life possible and stop wasting time on things that are irrelevant.
Every day we get to wake up is a wonderful day.
Get old enough and tired enough and sick enough and be in pain enough and it becomes easier.
It’s actually a lot easier to deal with my mortality than my loved ones’ mortality. Grief is harder to deal with than your own death.
For me, I treat all that I love with care because it’s all temporary. There’s no guarantee of a tomorrow to fix things. Fix them now, or be ready to deal with grieg *and* regret.
And it’s a billion times better to love and grieve than not love.
Seek religion or philosophy for a sense of meaning and purpose. Start a family and/or find a way to serve your community so you can identify with more than just yourself. Fear of death comes from an inflated sense of self-importance or a lack of perspective outside of yourself. The more you think of reality from the viewpoint that you are lead protagonist of the entire story, the harder it is to let go and accept death.
I see my own parents approaching old age and it scares me a little. Ive also started thinking about my own physical health. I could be 10kg lighter definitely. Just gotta do a little bit better every day. That’s the only way. Be a little bit better every day
I make peace with it by doing one thing every day that enriches my life.
Like ogle women.
I like to keep this quote from Mark Twain in mind. It’s not always so easy to dismiss the concept of non-existence, but there is a certain logic to it.
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Memento mori. We all die, that’s the curse. The blessing is remembering that we die; that knowledge used properly helps us cut to what’s important and ignore trivialities. It’s the impetus to live well.
Soon to be 34, and I honestly don’t think about it. Average life expectancy for men is 76, so assuming I don’t develop any serious health issues, my life isn’t even halfway over. There’s still time for me to do the things I want to do.
I don’t know if this is totally mad, but I think you can come through the fear and make peace with it. Ever since I was like 16 I have been terrified of dying. I even had a whole summer where I went into a horrible funk for months where it was all I could think about. I would wake up in cold sweats, panic attacks, the lot.
But now I’m 41, and I think about it and it’s just not that scary any more. It’s like I’ve felt all my fear about that topic and I’m ok now. I didn’t do anything to stop it. It just kind of seems ok now. My mum used to say this would happen and I didn’t beleive her “at some point you’ll just make peace with it”.
Maybe it’ll happen for you. I hope so.
Scary seeing as I’m a dad and want to see graduations and grandkids and etc.
But my own mortality makes me more anxious about my parents’ morality even more.
But the inevitable is inevitable 🤷
Ya man. Ye old existential crisis. You go through waves of these. Everytime you think about that shit, go kiss your wife and kids and hop on the grill/make a nice dinner. Also use it to motivate yourself to stay healthy and to set them up with life lessons, healthy relationships, and financially (life insurance) if you can. At the end of the day we gotta accept this, not fight it.
You should learn about consciousness. Its a fascinating topic in both the lens pf philosophy and science. I recomend the book Being You: A New Science of Consciousness by Anil Seth. Im not saying it will help, but learning as much about the subject has really help me grasp what I believe and come to terms with it.
For me, I realized it would actually be way scarier if we lived forever than if we lived a mortal life and then rested in peace. But either way existential dread isn’t easy to shake.
I think it’s just a phase that most people have to go through. My dad died in my teens, so I spent much of my 20s worried about it. For most people having kids is the trigger.
I take comfort in the fact that generally, people seem to worry about it less the older they get. It helps me to remember that we all face the same fate.
I should have died a long time ago fucker won’t do it
“Get busy living or get busy dying”
Regardless of the outcome, no good comes from contemplating mortality. Survival instincts are enough to keep you from dying accidentally. Wasting time thinking about the inevitable gets you nowhere.
I went through my existential fear of death phase at 14 but also had to deal with it again around 20 when my brother became suicidal.
What is there to make peace with? You cannot have life without death. It is inevitable. All you can do is make the most of the time you have.
So I got married, had children, made a home for my family, and enjoy life. No amount of concern of the afterlife will do anything positive for us. I have a great work life balance and lifestyle. I am very content.
When you realize the fragility of life and how short we have on this planet it seemed like making the most of the time we have is the best option.
Be a good person. Raise a good family. Live your life to the best of your abilities. And if you have children you will discover a whole new world of different fears while being simultaneously fulfilled. It is a wild ride.
For me the answer is to accept it. There is no other option.
you can choose not to.
won’t make it go away but you’re free to fear the before and after
Death is like being in 1921. How was 1921 for you?
Perhaps this is a comforting thought: there is nothing it is like to be dead. There is no blackness or loneliness or anything at all. And you’ve already “experienced” non-existence, in a sense, in the billions of years before you were born. Was that so bad?
And if there is an afterlife, whether that be a place our souls go, or whether it be resurrection in the future, or even some physical inevitability due to an infinite multiverse, you are not going to experience that “in-between” non-existent state. You’ll just “wake up” from a dreamless sleep. Have you ever undergone anesthesia? Count down from 5, and then suddenly you’re teleported three hours into the future.
We are all hurtling towards the abyss of existence. I worry about the how, not the when. I can mostly control the how, but if my time is up then that’s it.
Death sucks. It is an unpleasant reality. I don’t think that’s something that can really be fixed.
My dad died a few years ago. He was terrified of dying. He once told my younger sister that if he could, he’d have made himself young and her old, like some kind of vampire who fed on youth. As far as he was concerned, it was the worst thing that could happen to him.
Not everyone who is elderly is emotionally prepared for their own mortality. Not everyone is able to deal with it in a way that is healthy. At the same time, being able to confront and live with this reality doesn’t mean the fear goes away; we are biologically inclined to be afraid of death, because it keeps us alive. We are designed to take care of ourselves, our bodies and minds, as best we can, and that means putting off death for as long as we reasonably can — but that doesn’t mean anyone lives forever.
Death is a part of the universe. It is a part of being human. In a way, the impermanence of our lives gives us meaning; it gives our lives urgency and impact. We live our lives as best we can, and then we return to the universe, in the same way that a wave formed in the ocean crashes on the shore and returns to the water that it came from. Everything in the world is connected to everything else, and long after we’re dead, what we do matters, even if it’s just a little bit.
The universe is a different place because you are here. It will be a different place because you *were* here. We don’t just live on in the memories of the people we leave behind; we live on because of cause and effect.
I’m autistic, and one of my special interests is in systems analysis, systems theory, and strategy. Part of this includes what’s called cross impact network analysis: tracing the nonlinear, cascading effects of a single event through a larger system. Small events can impact things that come before, and after; there’s a concept called recursion, where you can see how Y impacts X, even though X came before, which itself makes Y impact Z. The world is going to be at least slightly different in 1,000 years, because you were here. You can’t know what that is, but it’s real. It’s there.
The human brain isn’t built for permanency. We need novelty, purpose, and connection. If we lived forever, that might actually become a terrible thing; imagine you do everything possible, there is no novelty, and you still have the rest of eternity stretched out before you. It may sound comforting, but the reality would be a devastating sort of ennui.
The *world* isn’t built for our permanence. We have to pass away so that others can come after us. New ideas, new cultures, new missions, new people — all of that happens because the dead make room for the living. So much change and meaning and innovation happens because new people are born into this world; and studies show that old people often don’t change their views, and democratic changes happen specifically because the people with old ideas die out, and their bad ideas die with them. Both of us are full of bad ideas. Hopefully in 100 years, we’ll be part of what lets the next generations make things better.
I think part of our conceptualization of death comes from the way we tell stories, because in stories, death is always awful. Death always comes too soon. But it can be its own sort of good, too. Our bodies break down, and life can so easily break us down. I think moving on from this life (even if we don’t necessarily move into the next one), and returning to the proverbial water, can be a kind of rest; it can be its own kind of completion. We’re here, and then we’re not, and that is going to be terrifying to confront — but maybe it’s also okay.
Something else to consider is that you’re turning 30. You’re getting married. You’ve had 12 years to be an adult. You’re going to be an adult for *50 more years* on average. You have an entire, very long life stretching ahead of you. You’ve got a wife, you’ve got a career — but you’ve also got every person you’ll meet, every family member you’ll have (blood relatives and not), every hobby and interest that you’ll build. You’re far from dead, and you’re far from dead. Life is by some measures too short, but it’s also very long, and you have yet to see the full shape of what you’re here to experience.
I don’t know if I have an easy solution here; mortality is something that I have to grapple with. But the reality isn’t that you can stop being afraid of it. I think you just have to find a way to move forward that lets you deal with that fear; that gives it a purpose. And I think you have to find a way to conceptualize mortality so that it isn’t this awful, overwhelming thing. You’re not going to let go of the fear, but you can accept it, live with it, and die with it — and, I hope, allow yourself to be complete.
I really hope I’m making sense, lol.
I had a near death experience. I only know what I experienced, and I guarantee you don’t want to find out like I did.
Everyone on this planet is potentially one moment away from death. Your birth is the beginning of the death process. No one is exempt. As the saying goes “No one gets out alive”.
Witnessing my grandma die did it for me. I watched both of my children’s births via c-section and it was beautiful. My grandma died of liver-cirrhosis so it wasn’t exactly smooth but her passing was just as beautiful as my children’s births. It helped me understand death is an inevitable conclusion to our experience
Live life like there is only the here & now. Appreciate the moment & think of every day as a blessing.
We are only guaranteed 1 life.
You were already dead before you were alive, it’s not really any different. Focus on the things you can control like your diet and exercise so you can age as gracefully as possible. With a bit more time you’ll make your peace, so just try not to dwell on it.
53M. The fear of death isn’t so much what’s on the other side. Its the fear of missing out. Missing my wife, not seeing her smile again, missing sunsets, warm breezes, the sound of the ocean at night. It sounds cliche, but really you have to love each day like it could be your last. Kiss your wife goodbye before work. Tell her how much you love her. Plan for tomorrow, but live for today.
At 30 you will soon notice Death will start creeping up around you. Classmates, coworkers, friends, relatives. You don’t get used to it, but you recognize anyone’s ticket can get punched anytime.
This hits hard when it hits – it was the thing that had me going to see a therapist for the first time. I always thought there was something after we die (not really the traditional heaven and hell, but something). But one day it just hit me that maybe there isn’t anything. That when I’m gone, I’m gone. And everyone I know and love who is already gone is just gone, and I’ll never see them in any capacity again. Or if something happens to me I’ll never see my kids grow up. It hit like a freight train and kind of broke my brain. I still struggle with it sometimes, but you gotta enjoy the ride while you can and let the chips fall where they may.
That we exist at all is fundamentally absurd.
I could never get on a religious cause in good faith (pun intended). As a kid, any profession of faith was fear-based. But with that fear gone, and asking the big “why” and not landing on a satisfactory answer led me to believe that its all just a ridiculous accident.
That doesn’t mean I dont fear for the effects of a potential early exit. My wife and kids’ lives would be materially more difficult, and if I’m working towards anything in this life its towards easier, happier, more fulfilling experiences for the life that I share with my wife and the lives we created.
I cant choose when I go, unfortunately. But I can optimize to best of my abilities and knowledge to be around as long as I can for them.
My hope is that in my dying moments, the only pressing need I feel is to make sure my wife knows that the trash cans need to be on the curb Thursday nights, and that my food only tastes better because I add extra butter and a mix of 90% salt and 10% MSG that I have in a special shaker in the back of the pantry.
My perspective shifted when probably my closest relative, essentially my age, dropped dead at home WAY too young. He left behind a wife, two school aged kids and frankly a financial mess that his widow didn’t need to have to deal with. It’s not that I didn’t know I was going to die at some point, but it highlighted the fact that sometimes the show ends early, so you’d better have your ducks in a row, which I do. I’m hoping to be here for a long time, but if I’m not, I’ve done what I can to make it easier for those I leave behind and that truth brings me peace.
Like an old Irishman I know once said, “get busy livin’, or get busy dyin'”.
I’m 43. I used to have quite a few negative thoughts about mortality. It can create a real existential crisis.
As I’ve gotten older, there are many things that I have simply stopped caring about over time. Like when I was in high school, constantly nervous about what people thought about me. Or when I was in my 20s and dating, and much more full of hormones and jealousy. Or in my 30s, when I was really hustling and concerned with getting ahead at work.
Now I’m in my 40s and have a fairly established career, and my main goal is more or less trying to maintain my job so I don’t lose my income because everything costs so fucking much and I have a family now.
My point here is that with every passing year I make some sort of mental progress and things I used to be obsessed with or that bothered me no longer do. I’ve just gotten over them. I’m sure that whatever my concern now is I’ll get over in a few years. And I like to think that by the time I’m in my 70s or 80s I’ll be more or less over day-to-day life.
I recall my grandma in her mid 80s saying she was ready to go. But saying it in a really nonchalant way. Not that she wanted to die or anything, but that she recognized it would happen at some point soon and just didn’t give a fuck because she’s seen enough.
I would not want to die now. I at least want to live long enough to see my kid grow up into a proper adult. But I think once that happens and I’ve had a chance to be retired for a bit, I’ll be at peace with it.