Hi everyone, I’m (F late 30s) trying to figure out a guy’s perspective on "the wait."
I recently met someone I really like. On our first date, he asked how I was doing on the apps, and I was honest: I told him I’m tired of younger guys just looking for hookups. I’m looking for something serious.
A bit of context: He’s divorced (as of last year). I originally swore off divorced men after being ghosted 3 months into a relationship with one, but in your late 30s, it’s hard to avoid.
On our second date, I invited him back to my place, but specifically said "just to chill and have a couple of beers because I have work tomorrow." He didn't make a single move, no pressure, no testing boundaries. While I’m happy about this because I want to delay sex to build a connection, it’s left me wondering:
Do guys intentionally hold back when they see long term potential? Or is he just being respectful of the "work tomorrow" boundary I set? Would love to hear from guys who have done this!
23 comments
I had a guy I was into in college delay sex and we actually never did anything besides make out. He was super into me but also neither of us were ready for a relationship. I was confused because I was wondering why he didn’t want to do anything with me if he liked me so much
Guys who see you as a person first and foremost will listen to you and respect your boundaries.
My late wife and I “delayed sex” until after we were married. It’s not that weird.
Wtf?
You were clear on your intentions and he respected your boundaries, what else do you want? Do disrespect your wishes and make a move even you clearly stated that you didn’t want it?
Fr, an adult woman with the behaviour of a little spoiled girl
Sometimes guys are just nervous and would rather date for a bit before having sex.
I don’t think this is a situation where generalizing all men will offer any more insight into what he’s thinking/planning
You told him you didn’t want hookups. You invited him over to simply hang and drink. He seems to be hearing and respecting you.
If he’s divorced, he’s obviously no stranger committed relationships. So I’d assume yes, he sees you as long term potential and isn’t trying to disrespect you by attempting to make a move too soon
My word of advice: make it very clear when you are ready to move to the physical stage, because you’ve made it clear that you didn’t want that up until this point
We have to get away from “do guys” and “do women” questions. Neither are monoliths. Some do. Some don’t. It’s the answer to every one of these questions. When it doubt just ask the person.
As a prude myself, I’ve seen it go several different ways for my friends or associates. Ive seen couples have sex on the first date and get married and stay married, I’ve known people wait a little longer: married and still married. And I’ve had friends literally wait until marriage to have sex(virgin or celibacy).
That said, I do think there are a lot of benefits to waiting. And would encourage both parties to do so. Especially as we get older. Really getting to know the person before coming intimate with them seems to be the best route.
And I know it’s not popular or encouraged outside of religion, but I truly do see the value in waiting until you’re married as well.
I know a lot of people will make arguments against that and I’ve heard them all before. But building emotional and mental connection to me is a better foundation for a serious relationship than leading with physical attraction and pleasure.
Whatever you decide, it has to be you and the other parties decision. And you both need to be in the same page
There is no standard. Some guys will hold out a long time for sex and then peace out shortly after, others will have sex within a few dates and keep coming back.
O è gay o non li piaci abbastanza, un tizio che era entrambe le cose rifiutò di rimanere a dormire da me dopo la nostra uscita, e spoiler un mese dopo era fidanzato con una tizia, e in segreto frequentava uomini
Lol no
Delaying sex is a common practice.It’s recommended by love & relationship coaches for those that desire a long-term exclusive relationship or life partner.
It gives both people an opportunity to get to know each other first before the cloud of bonding chemistry activated by having sex.
We aren’t a monolith, can’t say yes or no
Wow. What a world. A man listens when you speaks and respects your boundaries, and you find it unnerving while suddenly being ready for a long term commitment and wedding bells. I’ve been here and get it. That’s insane to me. Everyone across the board deserves better
I’ve just started dating someone who’s made her preference for going slow and steady very clear, so I just intend to abdicate all responsibility in physical intimacy decision making to her. We will go at the pace that she’s comfortable with. Disclaimer that I’m not a normal man, as I’ve never had sex or even kissed a girl before, because I’m autistic. So I’ll feel much more at ease just letting her lead on these things.
No. But we’re not all the same single human being.
Some will and some won’t. Not all men are the same ffs, just listen to your guy and communicate with each other.
I want something serious. I’ve been just as happy to delay sex as I have to jump straight in with it. It doesn’t mean I want something serious any more or less. It just means I’m reading each woman and what they want and are comfortable with individually.
I have to say ask 10 men and you’ll get 9 different views on sex. Personally I (M21) am waiting for marriage and am sometimes fighting with myself too because of it. Should be obvious I suppose (male, early 20’s, trains a lot and has a lot of stress).
I will continue this battle until I find the right woman. But even exuding sex. Some men will deliberately withhold most physical contact for a certain reason.
For reference: whenever I go on a date on someone, I do so with the intention of actually finding someone to settle down with, not fck.
In my case I’m thinking: “This woman might be the mother of your kids. You would disgrace/disrespect her if you were to even touch her (except for a handshake/fist bump) without you two actually being a pair. Keep your distance until you two are actually together!” You can imagine how my thoughts towards hookups/sex would be if THOSE are my thoughts regarding just touching
Bestie, respectfully – how are you asking this in your late 30s?
He’s obviously just being a respectful date. It doesn’t always equate that there is a connection or potential for LTR. Were you inviting him back to test him if he’d make a move…?
Also stop inviting men from the internet over to your house on the second date.
On my bf and I’s first date he literally told me “I was gonna try and have sex with you but you’re actually so nice” or something along those lines, so I think he was implying he would delay it to get to know me more. But I said no I’m here for sex so we did it anyway😂 it depends on the person but remember you have just as much control over this as he does.
Personally, I’d let it come on naturally rather than “intentionally delaying” when I have sex. She wants several dates to feel things out? Fine by me. First date things get hot? It happens.
I will say that if we aren’t having bedroom time by a few months into dating, then I’d likely dip. While sex isn’t the entire point of a relationship, it can be an important one. Especially if you find out you aren’t sexually compatible with the other person after seeing them for so long.
Some guys or even girls will still delay sex even if that is the only thing they are after. Once they get it they will still ghost. Hoping this is not the situation but it can also mean that he also respects your boundaries and also not rushing into having sex to see where this goes.